Withnail and I quotes

View Quote I often wonder where Norman is now. Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. A cat, rain, Vim under the sink, and both bars on. But old now, there is no true beauty without decay.

View Quote It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when he awakens and quite reasonably says to himself: [He puts his hand on his heart] "I will never play The Dane." When that moment comes, one's ambition ceases. I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butchers' shops.

View Quote How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns, where royalty comes in gangs. Come on, lads, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall, and we shall be forced to camp.

View Quote [Withnail sees Marwood drinking from bowl with a spoon]
Withnail: You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?
Marwood: Coffee.
Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

View Quote Withnail: Are you the farmer? [To Marwood] Shut up, I'll deal with this. [To Parkin] We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Stop saying that, Withnail. Of course he's the ****ing farmer.

View Quote Marwood: You never discuss your family, do you?
Withnail: I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.
Marwood: Why?
Withnail: I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.
Marwood: Then they must be delighted with your career.

View Quote Withnail [reading from the paper]: "In a world exclusive interview, 33-year-old shotputter Geoff Woade, who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. 'He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the ****er!
Marwood: Please, I don't feel good.
Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No, he'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull your head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head."

View Quote I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary!

View Quote Marwood: What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail: What happened to my cigar commercial? That's what I want to know. What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.

View Quote Marwood: Where is [Monty]?
Withnail: Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.
Marwood: Suits me. He can eat his ****ing radish.

View Quote Marwood: What about what's-his-name?
Withnail: What about him?
Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
Withnail: What for?
Marwood: Ask him about his house.
Withnail: You want me to call what's-his-name and ask him about his house?
Marwood: Why not?
Withnail: All right. What's his number?
Marwood: I've no idea - I've never met him.
Withnail: Well, neither have I. What the **** are you talking about?

View Quote Withnail: Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting feelers soon.
Marwood: There's black pudding in it.
Withnail: Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!

View Quote [gets pulled over by the police]
Cop: I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag.
[Withnail shakes his head, "no"]
Cop: Are you refusing to fill this bag?
Withnail: I, most certainly, am.
Cop: I'm placing you under arrest.
Withnail: Don't be ridiculous, I haven't done anything!
Cop: [pulls him to the police van] C'mon!
Withnail: Look here! My cousin's a Q.C.
Cop 2: GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

View Quote Marwood: There's the supper!
Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
Marwood: Eat it.
Withnail: Eat it!? ****er's alive.

View Quote Marwood: If my father was loaded, I'd ask him for some money.
Withnail: If your father was my father, you wouldn't get it.