Withnail and I

Withnail and I quotes

29 total quotes (ID: 633)

Multiple Characters
Uncle Monty

Withnail [reading from the paper]: "In a world exclusive interview, 33-year-old shotputter Geoff Woade, who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. 'He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the ****er!
Marwood: Please, I don't feel good.
Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No, he'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull your head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head."

I often wonder where Norman is now. Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. A cat, rain, Vim under the sink, and both bars on. But old now, there is no true beauty without decay.

Marwood: You know what we should do? I say, you know what we should do?
Withnail: How should I possibly know what we should do? What should we do?
Marwood: Get out of it for a while. Get into the countryside. Rejuvenate.
Withnail: Rejuvenate! What good's the countryside? I'm in a park and I'm practically dead.

Old woman: What do you want?
Marwood: I'm a friend of Montague Withnail. He's lent us his cottage. I wondered if you could sell us some food. Eggs and things.
[she stares at him with a blank expression]
Marwood: What about wood and coal?
[he spots her hearing aid]
Marwood: [bends closer to her] I'm not from London, you know.
Old woman: I don't care where you come from!
[She slams the door. He walks away.]
Marwood: [To himself] Not the attitude I'd been given to expect from the H. E. Bates novel I'd read. I thought they'd all be out the back drinking cider and discussing butter. Clearly a myth. Evidently country people are no more receptive to strangers than city dwellers.

Marwood: What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail: What happened to my cigar commercial? That's what I want to know. What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.

[Withnail sees Marwood drinking from bowl with a spoon]
Withnail: You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?
Marwood: Coffee.
Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

Withnail: Are you the farmer? [To Marwood] Shut up, I'll deal with this. [To Parkin] We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Stop saying that, Withnail. Of course he's the ****ing farmer.

Marwood: What about what's-his-name?
Withnail: What about him?
Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
Withnail: What for?
Marwood: Ask him about his house.
Withnail: You want me to call what's-his-name and ask him about his house?
Marwood: Why not?
Withnail: All right. What's his number?
Marwood: I've no idea - I've never met him.
Withnail: Well, neither have I. What the **** are you talking about?

I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary!

Marwood: You never discuss your family, do you?
Withnail: I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.
Marwood: Why?
Withnail: I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.
Marwood: Then they must be delighted with your career.

Marwood: Where is [Monty]?
Withnail: Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.
Marwood: Suits me. He can eat his ****ing radish.

[They pass some schoolgirls.]
Withnail: Scrubbers!
Scrubbers: Up yours, granddad!
Withnail: Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
Marwood: Shut up.
Withnail: Little tarts. They love it.

Marwood: There's the supper!
Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
Marwood: Eat it.
Withnail: Eat it!? ****er's alive.

Marwood: If my father was loaded, I'd ask him for some money.
Withnail: If your father was my father, you wouldn't get it.

[gets pulled over by the police]
Cop: I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag.
[Withnail shakes his head, "no"]
Cop: Are you refusing to fill this bag?
Withnail: I, most certainly, am.
Cop: I'm placing you under arrest.
Withnail: Don't be ridiculous, I haven't done anything!
Cop: [pulls him to the police van] C'mon!
Withnail: Look here! My cousin's a Q.C.