Withnail and I

Withnail and I quotes

29 total quotes (ID: 633)

Multiple Characters
Uncle Monty


Monty: Laissez-moi respirer longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux! Ah, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford.Oh, Oxford.
Marwood: [Voice-over] Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman, who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets.


I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium. The carrot has mystery. Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees. There is, you'll agree, a certain je ne sais quoi oh so very special about a firm young carrot.

Danny: I happened to be looking for a suit for the coal man two weeks ago. For reasons I can't really discuss with you, the coal man had to go to Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow, had the weight under his fez. We worked out that it would be handy karma for him to get hold of a suit but he's a very low temperature spade, the coal man. Went into court wearing a kaftan and a bell. This doesn't go down at all well. They can handle the kaftan but they can't handle the bell. So there's this judge sitting there sitting in a cape like ****ing Batman with this really rather far out looking hat..
Withnail: A wig.
Danny: No man, this was more like a long white hat. So he looks at the coal man and says "What's all this? This is a court, man. This ain't fancy dress" and the coal man looks at him and says "You think you look normal, your honour?". **** give him two years.

Danny: Has he just been busted?
Marwood: No.
Danny: Then why's he wearing that old suit?
Withnail: Old suit! This suit was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your ****ing appendix doesn't mean anything.
Danny: Don't get uptight with me, man. Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.

Marwood: I wouldn't drink that if I were you.
Withnail: Why not?
Marwood: Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that. That's worse than meths.
Withnail: Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.

Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to twelve skins. It is called a Camberwell carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It is impossible to roll a Camberwell carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot.

How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns, where royalty comes in gangs. Come on, lads, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall, and we shall be forced to camp.

Marwood: Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing. You haven't slept in sixty hours you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This is the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? A rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the ****er will rue the day! Oh Christ Almighty. Synous nicotine based. Keep back, keep back. The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here.
[He picks up the kettle from the stove then throws it suddenly into the sink]
Marwood: I told you. you've been bitten!
Withnail: Burnt, burnt! The ****ing kettle's on fire.
Marwood: There's something floating up.
Withnail: [with a fork in his hand] Fork it!
Marwood: No, no, no. I don't want to touch it.
Withnail: You must, you must. The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll never be able to use the dinner service again.

Marwood: Wake up, you bastard! Wake up! Oi! Wake up, you bastard! You gotta get wood.
Withnail: Jesus! You're covered in shit.
Marwood: I tried to get the fuel and wood. There's a miserable little pensioner down there. She wouldn't give it to me.
Withnail: Where are we gonna get it, then?
Marwood: There's a man on the mountain. Why he's up there, **** knows. But he's up there with a leg in polythene. You can't miss him. He's your man. And have another look in that shed. Find anything. If you can't find anything, bring in the shed.

It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when he awakens and quite reasonably says to himself: [He puts his hand on his heart] "I will never play The Dane." When that moment comes, one's ambition ceases. I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butchers' shops.

Sherry!? Oh no, no, no, no. I'll fall straight into his trap. He's so mauve. We don't know what he's planning. I'm preparing myself to forgive you. I think you've been punished enough. I think we better release you from the legumes and transfer your talents to the meat.

Proprietor: The police, Miss Blennerhassit. Telephone the police; tell them there're a couple of drunks in the Penrith tea rooms and we want them removed
Marwood: Don't do that, Miss Blennerhassit. I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multi-millionaries. We'll buy this place and fire you immediately.
Withnail: Yeah, that's right, we'll buy this place and install a ****ing jukebox and liven all you stiffs up a bit.

Danny: My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself.
Withnail: Really.
Danny: Then you've got to change its drawers for it. Horrible really, but they're like that, the little girls. So we're going to make one that shits itself, as well.

[Marwood is face to face with a bull after leaving the gate open]
Withnail: Grab it's ring! Keep your bag up, I'll find it.
Farmer Parkin: Hey! Show no fear! Just run at it!
Marwood: Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!
Farmer Parkin: Well, he's randy!
Marwood: Yes, yeah! I know he is!
Withnail: Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.
Marwood: Shut up, Withnail!
Farmer Parkin: Run at it, shouting!
Withnail: Do as he says, start shouting.
[Withnail lights a cigarette]
Withnail: He won't gore you.
Marwood: A coward, you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls, you are not!

Withnail [reading from the paper]: "In a world exclusive interview, 33-year-old shotputter Geoff Woade, who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. 'He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the ****er!
Marwood: Please, I don't feel good.
Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No, he'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull your head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head."