ALL A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Withnail and I

Withnail and I quotes

29 total quotes

Multiple Characters
Uncle Monty


Monty: Laissez-moi respirer longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux! Ah, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford.Oh, Oxford.
Marwood: [Voice-over] Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman, who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets.


Old woman: What do you want?
Marwood: I'm a friend of Montague Withnail. He's lent us his cottage. I wondered if you could sell us some food. Eggs and things.
[she stares at him with a blank expression]
Marwood: What about wood and coal?
[he spots her hearing aid]
Marwood: [bends closer to her] I'm not from London, you know.
Old woman: I don't care where you come from!
[She slams the door. He walks away.]
Marwood: [To himself] Not the attitude I'd been given to expect from the H. E. Bates novel I'd read. I thought they'd all be out the back drinking cider and discussing butter. Clearly a myth. Evidently country people are no more receptive to strangers than city dwellers.

Proprietor: The police, Miss Blennerhassit. Telephone the police; tell them there're a couple of drunks in the Penrith tea rooms and we want them removed
Marwood: Don't do that, Miss Blennerhassit. I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multi-millionaries. We'll buy this place and fire you immediately.
Withnail: Yeah, that's right, we'll buy this place and install a ****ing jukebox and liven all you stiffs up a bit.

Withnail [reading from the paper]: "In a world exclusive interview, 33-year-old shotputter Geoff Woade, who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. 'He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the ****er!
Marwood: Please, I don't feel good.
Withnail: That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No, he'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull your head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head."

Withnail: Are you the farmer? [To Marwood] Shut up, I'll deal with this. [To Parkin] We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Stop saying that, Withnail. Of course he's the ****ing farmer.

Withnail: Hold on. Don't let your imagination run away with you.
Marwood: Imagination? I just finished fighting off a naked man!

Withnail: Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting feelers soon.
Marwood: There's black pudding in it.
Withnail: Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!

Withnail: You mean we've come out here in the middle of ****ing nowhere without aspirins?
Marwood: Where are we?
Withnail: How should I know where we are? I feel like a pig shat in my head.

Withnail: You've had an audition. Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good-looking. I tell you, I've a **** sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?
Marwood: Well, I don't know. It'll happen.
Withnail: Will it? That's what you say. The only programme I'm likely to get on is the ****ing news.

[gets pulled over by the police]
Cop: I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag.
[Withnail shakes his head, "no"]
Cop: Are you refusing to fill this bag?
Withnail: I, most certainly, am.
Cop: I'm placing you under arrest.
Withnail: Don't be ridiculous, I haven't done anything!
Cop: [pulls him to the police van] C'mon!
Withnail: Look here! My cousin's a Q.C.
Cop 2: GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

[Marwood is face to face with a bull after leaving the gate open]
Withnail: Grab it's ring! Keep your bag up, I'll find it.
Farmer Parkin: Hey! Show no fear! Just run at it!
Marwood: Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!
Farmer Parkin: Well, he's randy!
Marwood: Yes, yeah! I know he is!
Withnail: Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.
Marwood: Shut up, Withnail!
Farmer Parkin: Run at it, shouting!
Withnail: Do as he says, start shouting.
[Withnail lights a cigarette]
Withnail: He won't gore you.
Marwood: A coward, you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls, you are not!

[Withnail is speeding down the motorway. Marwood in the back-seat wakes up.]
Marwood: What's going on?
Withnail: I'm making time.
Marwood: Are you out of your mind? You haven't got a license.
Withnail: No, I'm making time.

[They pass some schoolgirls.]
Withnail: Scrubbers!
Scrubbers: Up yours, granddad!
Withnail: Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
Marwood: Shut up.
Withnail: Little tarts. They love it.

[Withnail sees Marwood drinking from bowl with a spoon]
Withnail: You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?
Marwood: Coffee.
Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns, where royalty comes in gangs. Come on, lads, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall, and we shall be forced to camp.