Withnail and I

Withnail and I quotes

29 total quotes (ID: 633)

Multiple Characters
Uncle Monty


[Marwood is face to face with a bull after leaving the gate open]
Withnail: Grab it's ring! Keep your bag up, I'll find it.
Farmer Parkin: Hey! Show no fear! Just run at it!
Marwood: Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!
Farmer Parkin: Well, he's randy!
Marwood: Yes, yeah! I know he is!
Withnail: Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.
Marwood: Shut up, Withnail!
Farmer Parkin: Run at it, shouting!
Withnail: Do as he says, start shouting.
[Withnail lights a cigarette]
Withnail: He won't gore you.
Marwood: A coward, you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls, you are not!


Withnail: Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting feelers soon.
Marwood: There's black pudding in it.
Withnail: Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!

Marwood: There's the supper!
Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
Marwood: Eat it.
Withnail: Eat it!? ****er's alive.

Proprietor: The police, Miss Blennerhassit. Telephone the police; tell them there're a couple of drunks in the Penrith tea rooms and we want them removed
Marwood: Don't do that, Miss Blennerhassit. I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multi-millionaries. We'll buy this place and fire you immediately.
Withnail: Yeah, that's right, we'll buy this place and install a ****ing jukebox and liven all you stiffs up a bit.

Monty: Laissez-moi respirer longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux! Ah, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford.Oh, Oxford.
Marwood: [Voice-over] Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman, who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets.

Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to twelve skins. It is called a Camberwell carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It is impossible to roll a Camberwell carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot.

[Withnail sees Marwood drinking from bowl with a spoon]
Withnail: You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?
Marwood: Coffee.
Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?

Withnail: Hold on. Don't let your imagination run away with you.
Marwood: Imagination? I just finished fighting off a naked man!

[Withnail is speeding down the motorway. Marwood in the back-seat wakes up.]
Marwood: What's going on?
Withnail: I'm making time.
Marwood: Are you out of your mind? You haven't got a license.
Withnail: No, I'm making time.

[gets pulled over by the police]
Cop: I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag.
[Withnail shakes his head, "no"]
Cop: Are you refusing to fill this bag?
Withnail: I, most certainly, am.
Cop: I'm placing you under arrest.
Withnail: Don't be ridiculous, I haven't done anything!
Cop: [pulls him to the police van] C'mon!
Withnail: Look here! My cousin's a Q.C.
Cop 2: GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

Marwood: [eating chips while taking a bath] I've got your saveloy. Here, I don't want it.
Withnail: Then stick it in the soap tray and save it for later.
Marwood: Don't vent your spleen on me. I'm in the same boat.
Withnail: Stop saying that! You're not in the same boat. The only thing you're in that I've been in is this ****ing bath!

Marwood: Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing. You haven't slept in sixty hours you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This is the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? A rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the ****er will rue the day! Oh Christ Almighty. Synous nicotine based. Keep back, keep back. The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here.
[He picks up the kettle from the stove then throws it suddenly into the sink]
Marwood: I told you. you've been bitten!
Withnail: Burnt, burnt! The ****ing kettle's on fire.
Marwood: There's something floating up.
Withnail: [with a fork in his hand] Fork it!
Marwood: No, no, no. I don't want to touch it.
Withnail: You must, you must. The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll never be able to use the dinner service again.

Marwood: Wake up, you bastard! Wake up! Oi! Wake up, you bastard! You gotta get wood.
Withnail: Jesus! You're covered in shit.
Marwood: I tried to get the fuel and wood. There's a miserable little pensioner down there. She wouldn't give it to me.
Withnail: Where are we gonna get it, then?
Marwood: There's a man on the mountain. Why he's up there, **** knows. But he's up there with a leg in polythene. You can't miss him. He's your man. And have another look in that shed. Find anything. If you can't find anything, bring in the shed.

Marwood: Where is [Monty]?
Withnail: Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.
Marwood: Suits me. He can eat his ****ing radish.

How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns, where royalty comes in gangs. Come on, lads, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall, and we shall be forced to camp.