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Withnail and I

Withnail and I quotes

35 total quotes

Multiple Characters
Uncle Monty




View Quote [Marwood is face to face with a bull after leaving the gate open]
Withnail: Grab it's ring! Keep your bag up, I'll find it.
Farmer Parkin: Hey! Show no fear! Just run at it!
Marwood: Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!
Farmer Parkin: Well, he's randy!
Marwood: Yes, yeah! I know he is!
Withnail: Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.
Marwood: Shut up, Withnail!
Farmer Parkin: Run at it, shouting!
Withnail: Do as he says, start shouting.
[Withnail lights a cigarette]
Withnail: He won't gore you.
Marwood: A coward, you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls, you are not!
View Quote Withnail: Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting feelers soon.
Marwood: There's black pudding in it.
Withnail: Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!
View Quote Marwood: There's the supper!
Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
Marwood: Eat it.
Withnail: Eat it!? ****er's alive.
View Quote Proprietor: The police, Miss Blennerhassit. Telephone the police; tell them there're a couple of drunks in the Penrith tea rooms and we want them removed
Marwood: Don't do that, Miss Blennerhassit. I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multi-millionaries. We'll buy this place and fire you immediately.
Withnail: Yeah, that's right, we'll buy this place and install a ****ing jukebox and liven all you stiffs up a bit.
View Quote Monty: Laissez-moi respirer longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux! Ah, Baudelaire. Brings back such memories of Oxford.Oh, Oxford.
Marwood: [Voice-over] Followed by yet another anecdote about his sensitive crimes in a punt with a chap called Norman, who had red hair and a book of poetry stained with the butter drips from crumpets.
View Quote Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to twelve skins. It is called a Camberwell carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It is impossible to roll a Camberwell carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot.
View Quote [Withnail sees Marwood drinking from bowl with a spoon]
Withnail: You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?
Marwood: Coffee.
Withnail: Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Marwood: Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?
View Quote Withnail: Hold on. Don't let your imagination run away with you.
Marwood: Imagination? I just finished fighting off a naked man!
View Quote [Withnail is speeding down the motorway. Marwood in the back-seat wakes up.]
Marwood: What's going on?
Withnail: I'm making time.
Marwood: Are you out of your mind? You haven't got a license.
Withnail: No, I'm making time.
View Quote [gets pulled over by the police]
Cop: I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag.
[Withnail shakes his head, "no"]
Cop: Are you refusing to fill this bag?
Withnail: I, most certainly, am.
Cop: I'm placing you under arrest.
Withnail: Don't be ridiculous, I haven't done anything!
Cop: [pulls him to the police van] C'mon!
Withnail: Look here! My cousin's a Q.C.
Cop 2: GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!
View Quote Marwood: [eating chips while taking a bath] I've got your saveloy. Here, I don't want it.
Withnail: Then stick it in the soap tray and save it for later.
Marwood: Don't vent your spleen on me. I'm in the same boat.
Withnail: Stop saying that! You're not in the same boat. The only thing you're in that I've been in is this ****ing bath!
View Quote Marwood: Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing. You haven't slept in sixty hours you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This is the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? A rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the ****er will rue the day! Oh Christ Almighty. Synous nicotine based. Keep back, keep back. The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here.
[He picks up the kettle from the stove then throws it suddenly into the sink]
Marwood: I told you. you've been bitten!
Withnail: Burnt, burnt! The ****ing kettle's on fire.
Marwood: There's something floating up.
Withnail: [with a fork in his hand] Fork it!
Marwood: No, no, no. I don't want to touch it.
Withnail: You must, you must. The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll never be able to use the dinner service again.
View Quote Marwood: Wake up, you bastard! Wake up! Oi! Wake up, you bastard! You gotta get wood.
Withnail: Jesus! You're covered in shit.
Marwood: I tried to get the fuel and wood. There's a miserable little pensioner down there. She wouldn't give it to me.
Withnail: Where are we gonna get it, then?
Marwood: There's a man on the mountain. Why he's up there, **** knows. But he's up there with a leg in polythene. You can't miss him. He's your man. And have another look in that shed. Find anything. If you can't find anything, bring in the shed.
View Quote Marwood: Where is [Monty]?
Withnail: Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.
Marwood: Suits me. He can eat his ****ing radish.
View Quote How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns, where royalty comes in gangs. Come on, lads, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall, and we shall be forced to camp.