Withnail and I

Withnail and I quotes

29 total quotes (ID: 633)

Multiple Characters
Uncle Monty


Danny: Has he just been busted?
Marwood: No.
Danny: Then why's he wearing that old suit?
Withnail: Old suit! This suit was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything.
Danny: Don't get uptight with me, man. Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.


Danny: I happened to be looking for a suit for the coal man two weeks ago. For reasons I can't really discuss with you, the coal man had to go to Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow, had the weight under his fez. We worked out that it would be handy karma for him to get hold of a suit but he's a very low temperature spade, the coal man. Went into court wearing a kaftan and a bell. This doesn't go down at all well. They can handle the kaftan but they can't handle the bell. So there's this judge sitting there sitting in a cape like fucking Batman with this really rather far out looking hat..
Withnail: A wig.
Danny: No man, this was more like a long white hat. So he looks at the coal man and says "What's all this? This is a court, man. This ain't fancy dress" and the coal man looks at him and says "You think you look normal, your honour?". Cunt give him two years.

Danny: My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself.
Withnail: Really.
Danny: Then you've got to change its drawers for it. Horrible really, but they're like that, the little girls. So we're going to make one that shits itself, as well.

Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to twelve skins. It is called a Camberwell carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It is impossible to roll a Camberwell carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot.

Marwood: I wouldn't drink that if I were you.
Withnail: Why not?
Marwood: Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that. That's worse than meths.
Withnail: Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.

Marwood: If my father was loaded, I'd ask him for some money.
Withnail: If your father was my father, you wouldn't get it.

Marwood: Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing. You haven't slept in sixty hours you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This is the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? A rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day! Oh Christ Almighty. Synous nicotine based. Keep back, keep back. The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here.
[He picks up the kettle from the stove then throws it suddenly into the sink]
Marwood: I told you. you've been bitten!
Withnail: Burnt, burnt! The fucking kettle's on fire.
Marwood: There's something floating up.
Withnail: [with a fork in his hand] Fork it!
Marwood: No, no, no. I don't want to touch it.
Withnail: You must, you must. The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll never be able to use the dinner service again.

Marwood: There's the supper!
Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?
Marwood: Eat it.
Withnail: Eat it!? Fucker's alive.

Marwood: Wake up, you bastard! Wake up! Oi! Wake up, you bastard! You gotta get wood.
Withnail: Jesus! You're covered in shit.
Marwood: I tried to get the fuel and wood. There's a miserable little pensioner down there. She wouldn't give it to me.
Withnail: Where are we gonna get it, then?
Marwood: There's a man on the mountain. Why he's up there, fuck knows. But he's up there with a leg in polythene. You can't miss him. He's your man. And have another look in that shed. Find anything. If you can't find anything, bring in the shed.

Marwood: What about what's-his-name?
Withnail: What about him?
Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?
Withnail: What for?
Marwood: Ask him about his house.
Withnail: You want me to call what's-his-name and ask him about his house?
Marwood: Why not?
Withnail: All right. What's his number?
Marwood: I've no idea - I've never met him.
Withnail: Well, neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about?

Marwood: What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail: What happened to my cigar commercial? That's what I want to know. What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.

Marwood: Where is [Monty]?
Withnail: Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.
Marwood: Suits me. He can eat his fucking radish.

Marwood: You know what we should do? I say, you know what we should do?
Withnail: How should I possibly know what we should do? What should we do?
Marwood: Get out of it for a while. Get into the countryside. Rejuvenate.
Withnail: Rejuvenate! What good's the countryside? I'm in a park and I'm practically dead.

Marwood: You never discuss your family, do you?
Withnail: I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.
Marwood: Why?
Withnail: I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.
Marwood: Then they must be delighted with your career.

Marwood: [eating chips while taking a bath] I've got your saveloy. Here, I don't want it.
Withnail: Then stick it in the soap tray and save it for later.
Marwood: Don't vent your spleen on me. I'm in the same boat.
Withnail: Stop saying that! You're not in the same boat. The only thing you're in that I've been in is this fucking bath!