Del Preston: In the event of capture, I will distribute cyanide capsules which are to be placed under the tongue like so: (puts a M&M under his tongue) Any questions?
Garth: I have a question: When exactly did you become a nutbar?

Del Preston: So there, I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweet shop on the edge of town. So - we go. And - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweet shop, eh. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopkeeper and his son that's a different story altogether.....I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business, really, but sure enough I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show. (everyone in donut shop claps)

Del Preston: Woodstock? That was quite a show, man.
Garth: You were at Woodstock?
Wayne: Excellent! What was it like?
Del Preston: It rained all morning, and then it cleared up in the afternoon. And that's it... I almost remembered something else, but it's gone.

Garth: (Holds underpants that shrunk in the wash) I like them teeny, and toasty.
Garth: Welcome to Aurora! Not just a place, but a state of mind.
Garth: Look, there's Garth, and his friend Wayne...the psychopath.

Glen (Mikita's Manager): [...] I wish to God that someone would be able to block out the voices in my head for five minutes, the voices that scream, over and over again: "Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die?"

Honey Hornée: Don't you just love music?
Garth: ... Got any Megadeth?

Honey Hornée: Garth, I'm going to be frank.
Garth: Okay, can I still be Garth?

Honey Hornée: Take me, Garth!
Garth: Where? I'm low on gas and you need a jacket.

Honey Hornée: Would you like to have dinner some night?
Garth: Oh, I like to have dinner every night.

Honey Hornée: Would you like to have dinner some night?
Garth: Oh, I like to have dinner every night.

Wayne: Excuse me, what are you guys doing here in the middle of the street?
Chicken-man: Well, I'm putting these chickens in crates, and stacking them right here. Jim's job is to make sure we always have plenty of watermelons.
Wayne: Oh, so you're selling watermelons.
Jim: No, no sir. We just have to make sure we have plenty of them stacked at all times, just like with these here chickens.
Garth: What do these guys do?
Chicken-man: Well, their job is to walk back and forth with this big plate-glass window every couple of minutes.
Garth: That's weird.
Wayne: Yeah, you've got to wonder if this is gonna pay off later on.

Wayne: Look, Garth, it's Heather Locklear. And she's signaling to us! There is a god.
Garth: Heather be thy name.
Wayne, Garth: Schwiiiiiiiiing!

Wayne: Oh, I almost forgot! This year Garth finally got pubes.
Garth: You didn't tell them about my pubes did you?
Wayne: No, of course not.

Wayne: Who's that old lady?
Del Preston: That's my old lady.

Speaking to a clerk with a noticeable lack of pigment in one of his eyes Wayne: Well, we'll go through these forms with a fine toothed comb, cross the "t"s and dot the (workers look at him)... lower case "j"s.
Wayne: Well, uh, ix-nay on the condescension-ay there, Chet.