Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a hell of a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

Kids: Hey Gilligan did you eat the skipper?!

Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Reservationist: Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming *back* from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
Richard: Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
Reservationist: I don't think so.

Richard: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no -
Tommy: No shit from anyone!
Richard: No.
Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners!
Richard: We don't take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah.

Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space, I swear to God, you're worthless!

Tommy: Chicken wings! Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
Ted Nelson: Go on, I'm listening.
Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted Nelson: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
Ted Nelson: What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy, well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted Nelson: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
Ted Nelson: Okay, I'll buy from you.
Tommy: Well, that's... What?

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated.
Richard: Yah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people who go to college for seven years.
Richard: I know. They're called doctors.

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard: No, your face does.

Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow...
Mr. Brady: Boy, I'm at a loss for words here -
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment!
Richard: We'll keep in touch.

Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the dinner roll] OOOOOOHHH! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you're sick. Tell ya what, I'll go turn the friers back on and throw on some wings for you.

Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah! Wait a second, is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul: And?
Tommy: They fall over.
Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?
Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.

Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud!
Paul: Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose]
Tommy: [singing] I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before!
Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: [laughs] Why?

Young Richard: Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.
Young Tommy: Shut up, Richard!