You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?
Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will **** your head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually...you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.
I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game and eat hot dogs. I'm talking sausage hot dogs and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda Hmm...a fatty who likes golf and beer. Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?
Ted? Did you mean what you said back there?
[Tearfully]
Uh huh. I just want you to be happy, Mary.
But I'd be happiest with you.
You're **** with me, right?
[Shakes her head, while smiling]
What about Brett Fahvra...?
What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!
[They kiss]
[after telling Mary that he's an architect]
Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?
Look, I didn't solicit any sex, okay? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...
Detective Stabler Ted, Ted, it's okay, we believe you. [about the dead body in the trunk] The problem is we found your friend in the car.
[smiles]
Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck. I get caught for everything.
Detective Krevoy [pats Ted's shoulder]
So...you admit it?
Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.
Detective Krevoy Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Ah...no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase? I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?
Detective Stabler [nods]
First tell us why you did it.
Why I did it? Ah...I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.
Detective Krevoy [trying to control himself]
Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?
Detective Krevoy How many are we talking here?
[confused]
Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from, this is not that big deal, I mean...
Detective Krevoy You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry! [slams Ted's head against the desk]
Detective Stabler Take it easy! Calm down! Are you okay?
[to Krevoy]
What the hell is wrong with you?
Warren Have you seen my baseball?...Have you seen my baseball?
S Student
Hey buddie! I think I know where your ball is!
Warren You Seen my baseball?!
S Student
Yeah, you see that girl over there? shes got it, only, she doesn't call it a baseball, she's got another name for it. [Whispers in Warren's ear]
Warren [Walks up to a couple kissing]
Have you seen my....wiener?
Warren Have you seen my weiner!
B Boyfriend
What the hell did you just say buddie?!
Warren Weiner....
B Boyrfriend
Get your hand off my car, I'm gonna ****in' kick your ass!
Charlie [When Ted gets his genitals stuck in his zipper]
Is it the frank or the beans?
I don't know. Both, I guess.
Warren [from outside]
Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!
...
Charlie Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?
