Andrew: You married your cousin?

Bobby Ray: Now, what'd I ever do to you?
Melanie: Oh, you didn't do anything to me, darlin'... or any other girl in town!

Jake: [not recognizing Melanie in her sunglasses] Can I help you?
Melanie: Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce.
Jake: Are you shittin' me?
Melanie: I never fully understood that expression, but no, I am not shitting you.

Jake: Anybody think of anything in here that, uh, might bother Bobby Ray?
Wade: Uh, Clinton's breath.
Jake: You still the same Bobby Ray from last night?
Bobby Ray: Last time I checked, yeah.
Jake: [puts arm on shoulder] Well, then, let me buy you a drink.
Bobby Ray: Well, you're really not my type... [laughter]

Jake: C'mon, I wanna show you something.
Melanie: I can't.
Jake: Can't? Or won't?
Melanie: Both.
Jake: The girl I knew used to be fearless.
Melanie: The girl you knew didn't have a life.
Jake: Guess you better get on with it then.

Jake: Well, how about you say 'Hey there Jake, lookin' good. How's the family?'
Melanie: You expect me to say that you look good? What'd, they run out of soap at the Piggly Wiggly since I left?

Jake: What the hell is this? Chick food?
Melanie: Light beer. Less calories.

Jake: Whatever blows your dress up, darlin'. You go right ahead and spend your money.
Melanie: Oh, but darlin', I thought you said we should think of it as "our money."
[Jake stops cold]
Melanie: Just a guess: The words joint checking are flashing in your head right now.

Lurlynn: It's funny how things don't turn out...
Melanie: ...It's funny how they do

Lurlynn: You know he went up there?
Melanie: Who? Jake?
Lurlynn: I'm not supposed to know but Clinton let it slip once.
Melanie: When?
Lurlynn: About a year after you left. He told Clinton he'd never seen anything like it. He knew that it would take more than an apology to get you back. He'd have to conquer the world first. He's been trying ever since.
Melanie: That's why he kept sending the papers back.

Mayor Kate Hennings: You're just gonna let her humiliate you... with some bullshit about an old husband?!
Andrew: Yeah, I think I am. Excuse me.

Melanie: [on her cell phone] I can't. I'm in Alabama.
Tabatha Wadmore-Smith: [in New York] Oh... my God.

Melanie: And don't even pretend like you missed me.
Jake: Oh, I missed you all right, but at this range, my aim is bound to improve.

Melanie: Bobby Ray it's not like that.
Bobby Ray: No I'll tell you what it's not like. It's not like Jake's the only one you run out on.

Melanie: Now what kind of wife would I be if I didn't pick up after my husband?
Jake: The kind that don't live here.