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Cosmo: The price of fame. You've got the glory, you gotta take the little heartaches that go with it. Now look at me: I've got no fame, I've got no glory, I've got no big mansions, I've got no money! But I've got - what have I got?
Don: I don't know, what have you got?
Cosmo: I gotta get out of here.
Don: I don't know, what have you got?
Cosmo: I gotta get out of here.
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Don: [about Lina] What's the matter with that girl? Can't she take a gentle hint?
Cosmo: Well, haven't you heard? She's irresistible. She told me so herself.
Cosmo: Well, haven't you heard? She's irresistible. She told me so herself.
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Don: Well, we movie stars get the glory. I guess we have to take the little heartaches that go with it. People think we lead lives of glamour and romance, but we're really lonely - terribly lonely.
Kathy: I don't go to the movies much - if you've seen one, you've seen them all...Oh, no offense. Movies are entertaining enough for the masses, but the personalities on the screen just don't impress me. I mean, they don't talk. They don't act. They just make a lot of dumb show...
...
Kathy: Acting means great parts, wonderful lines, speaking of glorious words, Shakespeare, Ibsen.
Don: Words, tell me, what's your lofty mission in life that lets you sneer at my humble profession?
Kathy: I'm an actress.
Don: What?...
Kathy: On the stage.
Don: Oh, on the stage. Well, I'd like to see you act. What are you in right now? I could brush up on my English, or uh, bring along an interpreter, that is, if they'd let in a movie actor.
Kathy: Well, I'm not in a play right now, but I will be. I'm going to New York.
Don: Oh, you're going to New York and then some day we'll all hear of you, won't we? Kathy Selden as Juliet, as Lady Macbeth, as King Lear. You'll have to wear a beard for that one, of course.
Kathy: Oh, you can laugh if you want to, but at least the stage is a dignified profession.
Don: [scoffing] Dignified profession!
Kathy: And what do you got to be so conceited about? You're nothing but a shadow on film, a shadow. You're not flesh and blood.
Don: Oh, no? [He moves closer to kiss her amorously]
Kathy: Stop! [She pushes him away]
Don: What can I do to you? I'm only a shadow.
Kathy: You keep away from me. Just because you're a big movie star, wild parties, swimming pools, you expect every girl to fall in a dead faint at your feet. Well, don't you touch me.
Don: Fear not, sweet lady! I will not molest you. I am but a humble jester. And you. You are TOO far above me. Farewell, Ethel Barrymore! I must tear myself from your side. [Kathy then laughs hysterically as Don's suit rips while he gets out of her car]
Kathy: I don't go to the movies much - if you've seen one, you've seen them all...Oh, no offense. Movies are entertaining enough for the masses, but the personalities on the screen just don't impress me. I mean, they don't talk. They don't act. They just make a lot of dumb show...
...
Kathy: Acting means great parts, wonderful lines, speaking of glorious words, Shakespeare, Ibsen.
Don: Words, tell me, what's your lofty mission in life that lets you sneer at my humble profession?
Kathy: I'm an actress.
Don: What?...
Kathy: On the stage.
Don: Oh, on the stage. Well, I'd like to see you act. What are you in right now? I could brush up on my English, or uh, bring along an interpreter, that is, if they'd let in a movie actor.
Kathy: Well, I'm not in a play right now, but I will be. I'm going to New York.
Don: Oh, you're going to New York and then some day we'll all hear of you, won't we? Kathy Selden as Juliet, as Lady Macbeth, as King Lear. You'll have to wear a beard for that one, of course.
Kathy: Oh, you can laugh if you want to, but at least the stage is a dignified profession.
Don: [scoffing] Dignified profession!
Kathy: And what do you got to be so conceited about? You're nothing but a shadow on film, a shadow. You're not flesh and blood.
Don: Oh, no? [He moves closer to kiss her amorously]
Kathy: Stop! [She pushes him away]
Don: What can I do to you? I'm only a shadow.
Kathy: You keep away from me. Just because you're a big movie star, wild parties, swimming pools, you expect every girl to fall in a dead faint at your feet. Well, don't you touch me.
Don: Fear not, sweet lady! I will not molest you. I am but a humble jester. And you. You are TOO far above me. Farewell, Ethel Barrymore! I must tear myself from your side. [Kathy then laughs hysterically as Don's suit rips while he gets out of her car]
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Lina: [after filming a love scene] Oh, Donny! You couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it just a teensy, weensy bit!
Don: Meet the greatest actor in the world. I'd rather kiss a tarantula.
Lina: Oh, you don't mean that.
Don: I don't -- Hey, Joe, bring me a tarantula.
Don: Meet the greatest actor in the world. I'd rather kiss a tarantula.
Lina: Oh, you don't mean that.
Don: I don't -- Hey, Joe, bring me a tarantula.
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R.F. Simpson: The public is screaming for more...talking pictures...Every studio is jumping on the bandwagon, Dexter. All the theatres are putting in sound equipment. We don't want to be left out of it.
Cosmo: Talking pictures, that means I'm out of a job. At last I can start suffering and write that symphony.
R.F. Simpson: You're not out of a job, we're putting you in as head of the new music department.
Cosmo: Well, thanks, R.F.! At last I can stop suffering and write that symphony.
R.F. Simpson: Don, it'll be a sensation! "Lamont and Lockwood: they talk!"
Lina Lamont: [with a voice to peel paint] Well of course we talk. Don't everybody?
[Simpson, Don, and Cosmo look back at Lina, worried.]
Cosmo: Talking pictures, that means I'm out of a job. At last I can start suffering and write that symphony.
R.F. Simpson: You're not out of a job, we're putting you in as head of the new music department.
Cosmo: Well, thanks, R.F.! At last I can stop suffering and write that symphony.
R.F. Simpson: Don, it'll be a sensation! "Lamont and Lockwood: they talk!"
Lina Lamont: [with a voice to peel paint] Well of course we talk. Don't everybody?
[Simpson, Don, and Cosmo look back at Lina, worried.]
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Rod: Lina, you're a beautiful woman. Audiences think you've got a voice to match. The studio's gotta keep their stars from looking ridiculous at any cost.
Cosmo: Nobody's got that much money.
Cosmo: Nobody's got that much money.
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[After Don Lockwood's latest film is jeered by test audiences]
Don: Everything you ever said about me is true, Kathy. I'm no actor. I never was. Just a lotta 'dumb show.' I know that now.
Cosmo: Well, at least you're taking it lying down.
Don: No. No kidding, Cosmo. Did you ever see anything as idiotic as me on that screen tonight?
Cosmo: Yeah, how about Lina?
Don: All right. I ran her a close second. Maybe it was a photo finish. Anyway, I'm through, fellas.
Kathy: Don, you're not through!
Cosmo: Why of course not. Why, with your looks and figure, you could drive an ice wagon or shine shoes!
Kathy: Block hats!
Cosmo: Sell pencils!
Kathy: Dig ditches!
Cosmo: Or worse still, go back to vaudeville.
Don: Everything you ever said about me is true, Kathy. I'm no actor. I never was. Just a lotta 'dumb show.' I know that now.
Cosmo: Well, at least you're taking it lying down.
Don: No. No kidding, Cosmo. Did you ever see anything as idiotic as me on that screen tonight?
Cosmo: Yeah, how about Lina?
Don: All right. I ran her a close second. Maybe it was a photo finish. Anyway, I'm through, fellas.
Kathy: Don, you're not through!
Cosmo: Why of course not. Why, with your looks and figure, you could drive an ice wagon or shine shoes!
Kathy: Block hats!
Cosmo: Sell pencils!
Kathy: Dig ditches!
Cosmo: Or worse still, go back to vaudeville.
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[During a test screening of "The Duelling Cavalier," with Don playing Pierre and Lina playing Yvonne]
Yvonne: Oh, Pierre! You shouldn't have come. You are flirting with danger! They will surely find you out. Your head is much too valuable!
Roscoe Dexter: [to R.F.] She never could remember where the microphone was, boss.
Pierre: T'was Cupid himself who called me here. And I, smitten by his arrow...
[Pierre begins exaggeratedly moving around the set, and addresses his dialogue to the camera rather than Yvonne, causing the audience laughter to drown out his dialogue]
Yvonne: The night is full of our enemies. [lightly hits Pierre with her fan, generating several loud thuds]
Boy in audience: Hey, Lina, what are you hitting him with? A blackjack?
Pierre: I love you.
Yvonne: Oh, Pierre...
Pierre: [starts kissing Yvonne up her arm, as the audience laughter grows louder] I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Man in audience: Did someone get paid for writing that dialogue?
Yvonne: Oh, Pierre! You shouldn't have come. You are flirting with danger! They will surely find you out. Your head is much too valuable!
Roscoe Dexter: [to R.F.] She never could remember where the microphone was, boss.
Pierre: T'was Cupid himself who called me here. And I, smitten by his arrow...
[Pierre begins exaggeratedly moving around the set, and addresses his dialogue to the camera rather than Yvonne, causing the audience laughter to drown out his dialogue]
Yvonne: The night is full of our enemies. [lightly hits Pierre with her fan, generating several loud thuds]
Boy in audience: Hey, Lina, what are you hitting him with? A blackjack?
Pierre: I love you.
Yvonne: Oh, Pierre...
Pierre: [starts kissing Yvonne up her arm, as the audience laughter grows louder] I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Man in audience: Did someone get paid for writing that dialogue?
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[after Dexter says Talking Pictures will never amount to a thing] That's what they said about the "Horseless Carriage".
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[Lina believes the tabloid reports of a romance between her and Don] Now Lina, you've been reading those fan magazines again. Now look Lina, you shouldn't believe all that banana oil that Dora Bailey and the columnists dish out. Now try to get this straight. There is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air.
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[on Lina Lamont] She can't act, she can't sing, and she can't dance - the Triple Threat.
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[singing] Moses supposes his toeses are rosesBut Moses supposes erroneouslyMoses he knowses his toeses aren't rosesAs Moses supposes his toeses to be.
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If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothing. Bless you all.
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Ladies and Gentlemen. Stop that girl. That girl running up the aisle - stop her. That's the girl whose voice you heard and loved tonight. She's the real star of the picture. Kathy Selden.