Simon Birch

Simon Birch quotes

36 total quotes (ID: 539)

Adult Joe Wenteworth (Narrator)


Rev. Russell: Oh, Simon. What happened to tonight?
Simon Birch: I don't know. Sex makes people crazy.


Simon Birch: Not so fast. Slow down. I'm a miracle, you know.
Joe Wenteworth: Yeah, yeah.

Miss Leavey: Help. Please. I'm gonna strangle him. I swear to God I'm gonna strangle that little granite mouse if it's the last thing I do.

[Visiting Simon's grave.] I am doomed to remember a boy with a wrecked voice, not because of his voice or because he was the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the instrument of my mother's death but because he is the reason I believe in God. What faith I have, I owe it to Simon Birch, a boy I grew up with in Gravestown, Maine.

Joe Wenteworth: What is it?
Simon Birch: [Upon seeing a dog] Ah! It's a horse.

[Making their way home from the quarry.]
Simon Birch: Your problem is that you have no faith.
Joe Wenteworth: I got faith. I just need proof to back it up.

[Swimming at the quarry.]
Joe Wenteworth: Oh! Oh, man. That's cold.
Simon Birch: It's freezing!
Joe Wenteworth: My balls just turned into marbles.
Simon Birch: My balls just turned into bb's!


Winter left its icy chill behind and soon it was spring, then summer again. Grandmother passed away that June following a stroke. And because Hilde was always so content to just follow her lead...she had a stroke of her own and died in July. We buried them side by side. It's the way they would've wanted it. Ben Goodrich legally adopted me just two days before my thirteenth birthday. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for bringing him into my life. With Simon's help, I'd finally found my real father.

[Joe and Simon are sitting on deck at the quarry.]
Simon Birch: Marjorie's getting breasts.
Joe Wenteworth: Yeah.
Simon Birch: And soon they'll be boobs.
Joe Wenteworth: I know.
Simon Birch: Maybe she'll let us touch 'em some time if we paid her.
Joe Wenteworth: Why don't you ask her? [calling out to Marjorie] Oh, uh, Marjorie.
Simon Birch: [embarrassed] Stop it! Stop it!
Joe Wenteworth: Uh, Simon has a question for you.
Marjorie: What is it, Simon?
Simon Birch: Nothing. Goodbye.
Joe Wenteworth: He wants to know, uh maybe if he paid you, could he touch your br-- [Simon stops Joe by grabbing his mouth to avoid further embarrassment]

[Simon sorts things out on the bus that plunged into a lake]
Simon Birch: Stop it! [Everyone looks around] I'm not going to let anything happen to any of you. Understand?

[Joe and Simon travel past two old men sitting down.]
Old Man #1: [laughing] Here they come - the Wenteworth bastard and his granite mouse.
Old Man #2: Hey, Birch, nice sidecar. What'd you use, a matchbox?
Simon Birch: [gives them the finger] Have a nice day.
Old Man #1: Goddam kids got no respect these days.

[Joe and Simon arrive at their grandmother's home for dinner.]
Grandmother Wenteworth: That child is positively unnatural.
Hilde: Most peculiar.
Grandmother Wenteworth: And his voice, like--
Hilde: A mouse.
Grandmother Wenteworth: More than one. Like mice.
Hilde: Strangled mice.
Grandmother Wenteworth: [laughing] Strangled mice. Very good, Hilde.

[Swimming at the quarry.]
Joe Wenteworth: Oh! Oh, man. That's cold.
Simon Birch: It's freezing!
Joe Wenteworth: My balls just turned into prunes.
Simon Birch: My balls just turned into raisins.

[At the nativity play]
Bully: IM GONNAH KICK YOUR ASS, YOU LITTLE PERVE!
Joe Wentworth:[in pain after being hit in the ball from Marjorie] Hey pick on someone your own size! [Pointing at bully]
Bully: OKAY! [And punches Joe Wentworth!!]

[At Simon's bed in the hospital]
Joe Wenteworth: Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.