Simon Birch

Simon Birch quotes

36 total quotes (ID: 539)

Adult Joe Wenteworth (Narrator)


Rev. Russell: Simon, what do you think you're doing sitting in a corner?
Simon Birch: Thinking about God.
Rev. Russell: In a corner?
Simon Birch: Faith is not in a floor plan.


[At the nativity play]
Random Kid:YOU GO SIMON!
Joe Wentworth: HOLY SHIT!

[At Simon's bed in the hospital]
Joe Wenteworth: Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.

[At the birth scene of Simon Birch.] Simon Birch was the smallest delivery ever recorded in the history of Gravestown Memorial Hospital.

Simon Birch: Not so fast. Slow down. I'm a miracle, you know.
Joe Wenteworth: Yeah, yeah.

Rebecca Wenteworth: Do your thing, Simon! Show 'em how it's done!

[Upon hearing the doorbell, Joe and Simon rush to the window.]
Grandmother Wenteworth: Simon Birch, get away from there. You'll scare him off.

Simon Birch: [crying] I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

[Swimming at the quarry.]
Joe Wenteworth: Oh! Oh, man. That's cold.
Simon Birch: It's freezing!
Joe Wenteworth: My balls just turned into prunes.
Simon Birch: My balls just turned into raisins.

Joe Wentworth: C'mon Si, all the girls think your cute.
Simon Birch: They think I'm cute like a baby turtle. Girls don't kiss baby turtles.

[At nativity play]
Marjorie: Get off me! [saying to Joe Wentworth]
Joe Wentworth: Im trying to help!
Marjorie:[kicks Joe in the balls]

Rev. Russell: Oh, Simon. What happened to tonight?
Simon Birch: I don't know. Sex makes people crazy.

[Simon sorts things out on the bus that plunged into a lake]
Simon Birch: Stop it! [Everyone looks around] I'm not going to let anything happen to any of you. Understand?

[Joe and Simon travel past two old men sitting down.]
Old Man #1: [laughing] Here they come - the Wenteworth bastard and his granite mouse.
Old Man #2: Hey, Birch, nice sidecar. What'd you use, a matchbox?
Simon Birch: [gives them the finger] Have a nice day.
Old Man #1: Goddam kids got no respect these days.

Simon Birch: Your mother has the best breasts of all the mothers.
Joe Wenteworth: [trying to ignore] Yeah.
Simon Birch: And she smells the best too.
Joe Wenteworh: I know.
Simon Birch: She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.
Joe Wenteworth: Okay. Okay.
Simon Birch: I was just being honest.
Joe Wenteworth: Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?
Simon Birch: I'd have you committed.