Simon Birch

Simon Birch quotes

36 total quotes (ID: 539)

Adult Joe Wenteworth (Narrator)


[At nativity play]
Marjorie: Get off me! [saying to Joe Wentworth]
Joe Wentworth: Im trying to help!
Marjorie:[kicks Joe in the balls]


[At Rebecca's tombstone.]
Simon Birch: Into paradise...may the angels...lead you.

[At Simon's bed in the hospital]
Joe Wenteworth: Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.

[At the church, Simon expresses himself in front of everyone.]
Simon Birch: I said, "What does coffee and doughnuts have to do with God?"
Rev. Russell: They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and, uh, and discuss the upcoming activities.
Simon Birch: Who ever said the church needs a continental breakfast?
Rev. Russell: -Simon!
Simon Birch: I doubt that God is interested in our church activities.
Rev. Russell: -Simon!
Simon Birch: -If God has made the church bake sale a priority, then I'd say we're all in a lot of trouble.

[At the nativity play]
Bully: IM GONNAH KICK YOUR ASS, YOU LITTLE PERVE!
Joe Wentworth:[in pain after being hit in the ball from Marjorie] Hey pick on someone your own size! [Pointing at bully]
Bully: OKAY! [And punches Joe Wentworth!!]

[At the nativity play]
Marjorie: Simon, are you okay? Simon, what is it?
Simon Birch: Boobs! [Reaches out to grab Marjorie]

[At the nativity play]
Random Kid:YOU GO SIMON!
Joe Wentworth: HOLY SHIT!

[Joe and Simon are sitting on deck at the quarry.]
Simon Birch: Marjorie's getting breasts.
Joe Wenteworth: Yeah.
Simon Birch: And soon they'll be boobs.
Joe Wenteworth: I know.
Simon Birch: Maybe she'll let us touch 'em some time if we paid her.
Joe Wenteworth: Why don't you ask her? [calling out to Marjorie] Oh, uh, Marjorie.
Simon Birch: [embarrassed] Stop it! Stop it!
Joe Wenteworth: Uh, Simon has a question for you.
Marjorie: What is it, Simon?
Simon Birch: Nothing. Goodbye.
Joe Wenteworth: He wants to know, uh maybe if he paid you, could he touch your br-- [Simon stops Joe by grabbing his mouth to avoid further embarrassment]

[Joe and Simon arrive at their grandmother's home for dinner.]
Grandmother Wenteworth: That child is positively unnatural.
Hilde: Most peculiar.
Grandmother Wenteworth: And his voice, like--
Hilde: A mouse.
Grandmother Wenteworth: More than one. Like mice.
Hilde: Strangled mice.
Grandmother Wenteworth: [laughing] Strangled mice. Very good, Hilde.

[Joe and Simon travel past two old men sitting down.]
Old Man #1: [laughing] Here they come - the Wenteworth bastard and his granite mouse.
Old Man #2: Hey, Birch, nice sidecar. What'd you use, a matchbox?
Simon Birch: [gives them the finger] Have a nice day.
Old Man #1: Goddam kids got no respect these days.

[Making their way home from the quarry.]
Simon Birch: Your problem is that you have no faith.
Joe Wenteworth: I got faith. I just need proof to back it up.

[Simon sorts things out on the bus that plunged into a lake]
Simon Birch: Stop it! [Everyone looks around] I'm not going to let anything happen to any of you. Understand?

[Swimming at the quarry.]
Joe Wenteworth: Oh! Oh, man. That's cold.
Simon Birch: It's freezing!
Joe Wenteworth: My balls just turned into marbles.
Simon Birch: My balls just turned into bb's!


[Swimming at the quarry.]
Joe Wenteworth: Oh! Oh, man. That's cold.
Simon Birch: It's freezing!
Joe Wenteworth: My balls just turned into prunes.
Simon Birch: My balls just turned into raisins.

[Upon hearing the doorbell, Joe and Simon rush to the window.]
Grandmother Wenteworth: Simon Birch, get away from there. You'll scare him off.