Simon Birch

Simon Birch quotes

36 total quotes (ID: 539)

Adult Joe Wenteworth (Narrator)


Simon Birch: [crying] I'm sorry! I'm sorry!


[At Rebecca's tombstone.]
Simon Birch: Into paradise...may the angels...lead you.

[Swimming at the quarry.]
Joe Wenteworth: Oh! Oh, man. That's cold.
Simon Birch: It's freezing!
Joe Wenteworth: My balls just turned into prunes.
Simon Birch: My balls just turned into raisins.

Joe Wenteworth: What is it?
Simon Birch: [Upon seeing a dog] Ah! It's a horse.

Joe Wentworth: C'mon Si, all the girls think your cute.
Simon Birch: They think I'm cute like a baby turtle. Girls don't kiss baby turtles.

Simon Birch: Does God have a plan for us?
Rev. Russell: I like to think He does.
Simon Birch: -Me too. I think God made me the way I am for a reason.
Rev. Russell: Well, I'm glad that, um, that your faith, uh, helps you deal with your, um...you know, your, your condition.
Simon Birch: That's not what I mean. I think I'm God's instrument - that He's gonna use me to carry out His plan.

[At the nativity play]
Random Kid:YOU GO SIMON!
Joe Wentworth: HOLY SHIT!

[At nativity play]
Marjorie: Get off me! [saying to Joe Wentworth]
Joe Wentworth: Im trying to help!
Marjorie:[kicks Joe in the balls]

Rev. Russell: Oh, Simon. What happened to tonight?
Simon Birch: I don't know. Sex makes people crazy.

[Simon sorts things out on the bus that plunged into a lake]
Simon Birch: Stop it! [Everyone looks around] I'm not going to let anything happen to any of you. Understand?

[At Simon's bed in the hospital]
Joe Wenteworth: Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.

Joe Wenteworth: Okay, you grabbed her boobs, and you pulled her into the manger. Big deal. It could've happened to anybody. Well, maybe not anybody.

[Joe and Simon travel past two old men sitting down.]
Old Man #1: [laughing] Here they come - the Wenteworth bastard and his granite mouse.
Old Man #2: Hey, Birch, nice sidecar. What'd you use, a matchbox?
Simon Birch: [gives them the finger] Have a nice day.
Old Man #1: Goddam kids got no respect these days.

Simon Birch: Your mother has the best breasts of all the mothers.
Joe Wenteworth: [trying to ignore] Yeah.
Simon Birch: And she smells the best too.
Joe Wenteworh: I know.
Simon Birch: She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.
Joe Wenteworth: Okay. Okay.
Simon Birch: I was just being honest.
Joe Wenteworth: Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?
Simon Birch: I'd have you committed.

[Joe and Simon arrive at their grandmother's home for dinner.]
Grandmother Wenteworth: That child is positively unnatural.
Hilde: Most peculiar.
Grandmother Wenteworth: And his voice, like--
Hilde: A mouse.
Grandmother Wenteworth: More than one. Like mice.
Hilde: Strangled mice.
Grandmother Wenteworth: [laughing] Strangled mice. Very good, Hilde.