Prince Charming: Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep. For he was the bravest—and most handsome—in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess' chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to reveal her...
Big Bad Wolf: What?
Prince Charming: Princess... Fiona?
Big Bad Wolf: No!
Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens.
Big Bad Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming: ... Honeymoon?! With whom?!
Donkey: Don't you worry, I will always be here to make sure no one bothers you.
Shrek: Donkey.
Donkey: Yes, roomie?
Shrek: You're bothering me.
Donkey: Royal ball? Can I come?
Shrek: We're not going.
Fiona and Donkey: What?
Shrek: I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
Fiona: Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too.
Shrek: Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
Fiona: Stop it. They're not like that.
Shrek: How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: No.
Fiona: Not yet.
Donkey: Okay. Are we there yet?
Fiona: No.
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Are we there... yet?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: NO!
Donkey: Are we there yet?!
Fiona: No!
Donkey: Are we there yet?!
Shrek: No, we are not!
Donkey: ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
Shrek and Fiona: NO!!!!!!
[Pause]
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: [talking over Donkey] Are we there yet?
Donkey: Hey, that's not funny.
Shrek: Hey, that's not funny.
Donkey: Oh, that's really immature!
Shrek: Oh, that's really immature!
Donkey: See, this is why nobody likes ogres!
Shrek: See, this is why nobody likes ogres!
Donkey: All right, your loss!
Shrek: All right, your loss.
Donkey: I'm just gonna stop talking!
Shrek: Finally!
Donkey: But this is takin' forever, Shrek, and ain't no in-flight movie or nothin'!
Shrek: The kingdom of Far Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far... far... away.
Donkey: All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn BORED!
Shrek: Well, find a way to entertain yourself!
[Silence]
Donkey: [pops his lips, then again, and Shrek grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time]
Shrek: [restraining temper] Oh! For 5 minutes... could you not be yourself? [exploding] FOR 5 MINUTES!!!
[After another silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time]
Shrek: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
Fiona: Yes!
Donkey: Oh, finally!
Fiona: [lets out a loud belch that interrupts a conversation] Oh! Excuse me.
Shrek: Better out than in, I always say.
Queen: Harold!
Fiona: Shrek!
Shrek: Fiona!
Harold: Fiona!
Fiona: Mom!
Queen: Harold...
Donkey: Donkey!
Fiona: [about the Fairy Godmother] She's just trying to help--
Shrek: Good! She can help pack the bags! We're leaving.
Fiona: Leaving?! When did you decide this?
Shrek: Shortly after arriving!
King: Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
Prince Charming: Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. [yelling] After I endured blistering winds and scorching desert, climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower---
Fairy Godmother: Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [yelling] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find?! Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!
King: You see, I need to have someone taken care of.
Doris: Who's the guy?
King: Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... he's... an ogre!
Shrek: Well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring?
Donkey: What are you talking about? I ain't purring.
Shrek: Oh, sure. What's next? A hug?
Donkey: [after attempting to kick Puss, who is attacking Shrek, but getting Shrek between the legs instead] Did I miss?
Shrek: Nope. You got 'em.
Shrek: [has just discovered that King Harold hired Puss in Boots to kill him] Well... so much for "Dad's Royal Blessing."
Donkey: It ain't that bad, Shrek. I mean, almost everyone who meets you wants to kill you.
Shrek: Thanks (!)
Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you!
Donkey: Oh, man, where do I begin? Well, first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans, I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and he had all the guests try to pin the tail on me! Then they all got drunk, and started beating me with a stick going, "Piñata, piñata!" What is a piñata anyway?!
Shrek: Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
Donkey: Ah, yeah, that's more like it! Shrek and Donkey on another whirlwind adventure! [singing as he and Shrek start walking away] Ain't no stoppin' us now, whoo! / We're on the move...
Puss: Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.
Shrek: Join the club, we have jackets.
Puss in Boots: On my honor! I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life, as you have spared me mine.
Donkey: Oh, I'm sorry, but the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken.
Shrek: [to receptionist] Oh, by the way, it would be really great if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Y'know what I'm sayin', bub, huh?
Donkey: Huh?
Shrek: Huh?
Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?! HUH?!
Shrek: Stop it.
Receptionist: Of course. Go right in.
Fairy Godmother: A drop of desire... Oohoohoo, naughty! A pinch of passion... And just a hint of... Lust!
Shrek: Excuse me. Sorry to barge in like this, but---
Fairy Godmother: What in Grimm's name are you doing here?
Shrek: It seems that Fiona isn't exactly happy.
Fairy Godmother: And there's some question as to why that is? Let's explore that shall we? Princess Cinderella, lived happily ever after... Oh. No ogres.
Fairy Godmother: No, no, no, no.... You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.
Shrek: [points at her] All right, look, lady!
Fairy Godmother: Don't you point those dirty, green sausages at me!
Donkey: Hey man, you wanna get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face? Man, it stinks!
Puss: Well, you don't exactly smell like a basket of roses!
[they all look at the dozens of potions around them]
Shrek: Well, one of these has got to work.
Puss: Ah yes, boss. I was concocting this very plan. Already our minds... are becoming one...
Donkey: Woah woah woah, if we need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.
Prince Charming: Mother!
Fairy Godmother: Charming, sweetheart! This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working.
Prince Charming: Whoa, what happened here?
Fairy Godmother: The ogre, that's what!
Prince Charming: What? Where is he, Mum? [draws his sword] I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me!
Fairy Godmother: Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still gonna be king.
Puss: Just in case there is something wrong with the potion, allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honour to lay my life on the line for you.
Donkey: No, no, no. If there's gonna be any animal testing, I'm gonna do it. That's the best friend's job. Now gimme that potion!
[He grabs the "Happily Ever After" potion in his mouth and chugs down some of it]
Shrek: How do you feel?
Donkey: ... I don't feel any different. Do I look any different?
Puss: You still look like an ass to me.
Donkey: I'm melting! I'm melting!
Shrek: It's just the rain, Donkey.
Donkey: [singing wearily] Theeee sun will come out...tomorrow... Betcha bottom...
Shrek: Bet my bottom?
Shrek: Donkey, you're a...
Donkey: A stallion baby! I can whinny! [whinnies] I can count! [taps hoof] [starts trotting] Look at me Shrek, I'm trotting!
Donkey: It's kind of a long story, but, you see, Shrek and I took some magic potion, and now... we're sexy!
Fiona: [sees Puss] Shrek?
Puss: For you baby... I could be.
Donkey: Yeah, you wish.
Donkey: Is he really that good looking?
Doris: Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like that it was carved by angels.
Puss: Mmmm, he sounds dreamy.
Shrek: You know, shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better.
Gingy: Oh, I hate these ball shows, they bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture.
Pinocchio: I'm not flipping anywhere, sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.
Gingy: Aw, whizzes on you guys.
Anouncer: Tonight on "Knights"...
Gingerbread Man: Now here's a good show!
Knight in hotair balloon: We got a white bronco heading east in the forest. Requesting backup.
Anouncer: It's time for the men in steel to teach these madcap mammals that their "devil may mare" attitudes ain't gonna fly.
Donkey: [Being tackled] Why you grabbing me? Ow! Police Brutality! Police Brutality!
Shrek: Come on, I have to talk to Princess Fiona!
Knight: [Takes pepper grinder and sprinkles pepper in Shrek's face] We warned you!
Shrek: Ow! Ow!
Anouncer: Will they get away with it, or did somebody let the cat out of the bag?
Puss: You capitalist pig dogs!
[Puss attacks a knight, then he is pinned up against a wall]
Knight [Sniffs a small bag] Catnip!
Puss: Um, that's not mine?
Shrek: Hold on! Find Princess Fiona!
Donkey: I'm a donkey!
Shrek: Tell her-- Shrek! I'm her husband, Shrek! [Gets another face full of pepper] Ow! Ow!
Anouncer: That's tonight on "Knights".
Donkey: LEMME OUTTA HERE! YOU CAN'T LOCK US UP LIKE THIS! LEMME GO! HEY, WHAT ABOUT MY MIRANDA RIGHTS?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!!!
Shrek: Donkey! You have the right to remain silent! What you lack is the capacity.
Puss: I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
Pinocchio: Shrek? Donkey?
Puss: [sees all the fairytale creatures above him] Too late!
Shrek: Gingy, do you still know the muffin man?
Gingy: Well, yeah, sure, he's down on Drury Lane. Why?
Shrek: Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour.
Muffin Man: Gingy!
Gingy: Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We've got a big order to fill! [lightning flashes and an evil laugh is heard] It's alive!
Puss: Go! Your lady needs you. Go! Today, I repay my debt.
[puts on cute face in front of knights]
Knights: Awwwwwwww...
Puss: [draws sword] En garde!
Donkey: Pray for mercy from Puss...
Puss: ...and Donkey!
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