[Opening lines; Shaun and Liz are sitting in the pub, drinking.]
Liz: Shaun - you see what I'm saying, don't you?
Shaun: Yeah...
Liz: I mean, I know he's your best mate, but you do live with him.
Shaun: I know...
Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
[Cut to reveal that Ed is actually standing next to them, playing the pub's "Ooh Ah Dracula" fruit machine]
Ed: It's alright.
...
Liz: It'd just be nice if we could-
Ed: [playing game in background.] ****!
Liz: - spend a bit of time together -
Ed: Bollocks!
Liz: - just you and me.
Ed: **** it!
...
Liz: It's just that with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out, and then that only exacerbates things.
Shaun: What you mean?
Liz: Well, you guys hardly get on, do you?
Shaun: No, I mean, what does 'exacerbate' mean?
Dianne: Don't you get along with your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: I get along with her, it's just-
David: Are you ashamed of your mum, Shaun?
Shaun: No! I love my mum!
Ed: I love his mum, too.
Shaun: Ed.
Ed: (sing song tone) She's like butttahhh!...
Shaun: Ed!
[On leaving the front door open.]
Pete: I'm not saying it was you, Shaun.
Shaun: I know, man...
Pete: I'm saying it was Ed.
...
Shaun: [About Ed.] Well, I've known him since primary school. I like having him around, he's a laugh.
Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orang utan? ****-a-doodle-doo.

[Shaun is trying to make up with Liz.]
Shaun: Let's go out somewhere.
Liz: What, to the Winchester?
Shaun: [Laughs, then] Do you want to?
Liz: No, I don't ****ing want to!!
Liz: You, hang out with my friends? A failed actress and a twat?
Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh.
Liz: Your words, Shaun!
Shaun: I did NOT call Diane a failed actress!
Liz: You promised you'd quit smoking when I did!
Shaun: Well...
Liz: You promised you'd try red wine instead of beer!
Shaun: I...
Liz: You promised we'd go on holiday together!
Shaun: Well, we went to Greece, didn't we?
Liz: We met in Greece!
David: At a rave.
Liz: You promised things would change.
Diane: You promised you'd get us free cable.
Shaun: I'm working on that!
Diane: Okay.
[Zombie bangs on the door of "The Winchester" and moans.]
John (bartender): Sorry, we're closed.
[Zombie moans and stops banging.]
Ed: Pisshead.
Shaun & Ed: [drunk, singing.] Doo doo doo doo. Base. White Lines, Visions dreams of passion, goin' thru my mind, and all the while I think of you!
[Shaun & Ed see two people holding each other with the woman vigourously 'kissing' the man.]
Ed: What's wrong haven't you had your tea?
[Ed & Shaun laugh.]
[The man in the backgound's neck goes limp as the woman eats his neck.]
Shaun & Ed: [resume singing.] Something of a phenomenon baby, telling my body to come along. White Lines, Blow away! Shhh!
[Shaun body slams Ed.]
Shaun & Ed: Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher girl! Ahh!
Zombie:[groans loudly.]
Shaun & Ed: [scoffs.] Daba daba daba daba daba!
Zombie: [groans.]
Shaun & Ed: Daba daba daba daba daba!
Zombie: [groans softer.]
Shaun: What's he doing? He should say base.
Ed: Or freeze.
Shaun & Ed: What a tit.
w:Hip Hop, Be Bop by Man Parrish plays Pete: It's four in the ****ing morning!
Shaun: It's Saturday!
Pete: No, it's not. It's ****ing Sunday. And I've got to go to ****ing work in four ****ing hours 'cos every other ****er in my ****ing department is ****ing ill! Now can you see why I'm SO ****ING ANGRY?
Ed: ****, yeah!
[on the Special Features of the DVD titled "Funky Pete]
Pete: It's four in the funking morning!
Shaun: It's Saturday!
Pete: No, it's not. It's funking Sunday. And I've got to go to funking work in four funking hours 'cos every other funker in my funking department is funking ill! Now can you see why I'm SO FUNKING ANGRY?
Ed: Funk, yeah!
[This is on the Special Features of the DVD]
Ed: [Sulkily] It's not hip-hop, it's electro. Princk. Next time I see him, he's dead.
[Ed and Pete are fighting viciously; Shaun is trying to keep the peace]
Shaun: Whoa, we're all friends here -
Pete: He's not my friend, he's a ****ing idiot!
Ed: What's that supposed to mean?
Pete: It means, why don't you **** OFF!? You wanna live like an animal, why don't you go and live in the shed, you thick ****!
Shaun: Oh, leave him alone!
Pete: Stop defending him, Shaun! All he does is hold you back! Or does it make your life easier having someone around who's more of a loser than you are?
Shaun: [Hurt] What's that supposed to mean?
Pete: You know what it means. I assume it was Liz that did the dumping. [pause, pointing at Shaun with a bandaged hand] Sort your ****ing life out, mate!
Ed: Whassup with you hand, man?
Pete: [annoyed, glaring at the stained gauze] I got mugged on the way home from work.
Ed: [amused] By who?
Pete: [with growing irritation] I dunno, some crackheads or something. One of 'em bit me.
Ed: [feigning disbelief] Why did they bite you?
Pete: [angrily] I don't know! I didn't stop to ask them!! [pause, clutching sinuses] Look, I've got a splitting headache, and your stupid hip-hop isn't helping.
[Pete heads for the stairs, stopping at the front entryway]
Pete: And the front door is open, AGAIN! [slams front door shut]
Ed: [Sulkily] It's not hip-hop, it's electro. Prick. Next time I see him, he's dead.
Ed: What's the plan then?
Shaun: Right.
(Cuts to dream sequence)
Shaun: We take Pete's car, we drive over to mum's, we go in, take care of Phillip - "I'm so sorry Phillip". - then we grab mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz's?
Shaun: Because we do.
Ed: But she dumped you!
Shaun: I have to know if she's all right!
Ed: Why?
Shaun: Because I love her!
Ed': All right... gayyy... I'm not staying there, though.
Shaun: Why not?
Ed: If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.
Shaun: Okay.
(cuts to dream sequence again)
Shaun: We take Pete's car, go around mum's, go in, deal with Phillip - "Sorry Phillip!" - grab mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
Ed: Perfect!
Shaun: No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring her back here.
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Well, it's not really safe, is it?
Ed: Yeah, look at the state of it.
Shaun: Where's safe? where's familiar?
Ed: Where can I smoke?
(Shaun and Ed pause then slowly make a realization)
Shaun: (cuts to dream sequence a third time) Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?
'Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee!
(Shaun and Ed clang weapons together)
Ed: What's going on, Shaun?
Shaun: [on the phone trying to reach emergency services without any luck] Shit. It's engaged.
Ed:How about an ambulance?
Shaun: It's engaged, Ed.
Ed: [after a pause] Fire engine?
Shaun: [exasperated] It's one number, Ed! And it's busy! Okay? What'd'you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Ed: Any'fing with flashing lights, you know?
Shaun: They still out there?
[Ed pulls back the curtains, revealing two zombies scratching at the window]
Ed: [shuts curtains, steps away contemplatively] Yeah. What you think we should do?
Shaun: Have a sit down?
[Shaun is channel hopping; Channel 4 News]
Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's...
[VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]
Morrissey: - Panic on the streets of London...
[ITV News]
Newsreader: - as an increasing number of reports of...
[Football]
Commentator: - serious attacks on...
[Five News]
Newsreader: - people, who are literally being...
[Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]
Narrator: - eaten alive.
[Sky News]
Jeremy Thompson: Witnesses' reports at best are sketchy, but one unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...
[T4]
Vernon Kaye: - dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...
[Looking through Shaun's LP collection for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]
Ed: Purple Rain.
Shaun: No.
Ed: Sign o' the Times.
Shaun: Definitely not.
Ed: The Batman soundtrack?
Shaun: Throw it.
[Ed does so; it misses]
...
Ed: Dire Straits.
Shaun: Throw it.
[Ed throws it - clipping Mary in the side of the head]
Ed: Stone Roses?
Shaun: No.
Ed: Second Coming?
Shaun: I like it.
Ed: Ah! Sade.
Shaun: That's Liz's.
Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you. [Throws it]
Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee!
[Shaun and Ed clang weapons together]
Ed: Any zombies out there?
Shaun: Don't say that!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!
Ed: What?
Shaun: That!! The "zed" word. Don't say it!
Ed: Why not?
Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
Ed: Alright... are there any, though?
Shaun: [looking out the door mail slot, sees an empty street] I don't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. [turns his head, sees a pack of zombies] Oh, no, wait, there they are.
[About Shaun's stepdad]
Shaun: Did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?
[long pause as Barbara turns to glare at Shaun]
Shaun: That wasn't true. Made it up, shouldn't have done that, sorry.
Shaun: [About Ed] He's not my boyfriend!
Ed: [Handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler was off.
Shaun: Thanks babe. [winks]
David: I'm not staying here.
Liz: David don't do it, that's suicide.
Ed: I think he should go.
Ed: Big Al says so.
Shaun: Yeah, but Big Al also says dogs can't look up!
(After Shaun has defeated a zombie with a rifle without firing it)
Ed: Why didn't you just shoot him?
Shaun: For the last time Ed, it's not...
[Gun misfires]
Ed: I knew it! I ****ing knew it! I told you, Big Al was right!
[Shaun removes the dart imbedded in his skull]
Shaun: Okay. But dogs CAN look up!
Shaun: Phillip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Phillip: Safety first, Shaun.
[After breaking up with Liz; "If You Leave Me Now" by Chicago comes on the juke box]
Ed: Who the hell put this on?
Shaun: [With tears in his eyes] It's on random.
Ed: For ****'s sake.
[After 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen comes on the pub jukebox, thus attracting zombies]
Shaun: Who the hell put this on?!
Ed: It's on random!
Liz: For ****'s sake!
Shaun: Pete? Pete?
Ed: Why can't we go up there?
Shaun: Because A) he might be one of them, and B) he might still be annoyed.
Shaun: Pete? Peeete?
Ed: OI, PRICK!
[There is a pause]
Both: He's not in.
[Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit with the car; Shaun rolls down his window]
Shaun: Excuse me... are you all right? Hello?
Ed: Aw, come on, why can't we just go?
Shaun: We've got to be sure.
Ed: He's going to be dead either way!
Shaun: Ed, that's not the point!
[The body rises and moans, zombified, at Shaun and Ed]
Shaun: Oh, well, thank God for that.
Shaun: [smugly.] What's the matter, David? Haven't you ever taken a shortcut?
[Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara's house and sees Phil's Jaguar in the driveway]
Ed: Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then? [Whistles] You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.
Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Phillip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.
Ed: ****. It's gorgeous.
...
[later exiting the house with Barbara and Phillip]
Shaun: Where's the car?
Ed: Hmmm...I pranged it. [Moves to reveal wrecked car]
Shaun: You were parked.
Ed: Yeah. Guess we'll have to take the Jag.
[After Phillip has been bitten by zombies]
Phillip: You didn't call the doctor, did you?
Barbara: Well, I thought it might be best, dear.
Phillip: I'm perfectly alright, Barbara. I ran it under a cold tap.
Barbara: But Phillip...
Phillip: We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight.
[Phillip is dying from his wounds]
Phillip: Shaun...
Shaun: Yes, Phillip, I got him to turn it down.
Phillip: Being a father... it's not easy.
Shaun: What?
Phillip: You were 12 when I met you, already grown up so much. I just wanted you to be strong and not give up because you lost your dad.
Shaun: Phillip, you don't have to explain...
Phillip: No, no, I do... I always loved you, Shaun. And I always thought you had it in you to do well. You just need...m-motivation. Somebody to look up to and...I thought it could be me. Would you just... take care of your mum? There's a good boy.
[Phillip dies]
David: We're in a pub! What're we going to do now?
Ed: Get a round in?
Shaun: David, kill the Queen!
David: What?
Shaun: The jukebox!
[After Shaun gets shouted at by Liz]
David: [Smugly] Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun
Shaun: Get ****ed, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her, you love her so much?
David: What do you mean by that?
[Shaun rolls his eys and storms off; David and Diane stand next to each other uncomfortably]
David: Well, I don't know what he meant by that.
Shaun: If you get cornered...
[Hits himself on head with cricket bat]
Shaun: ...bash 'em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?
Barbara: Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with
Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!
Barbara: Well you did call him a you-know-what!
Shaun: Oh, what, did he tell you that?
Barbara: Yes he did.
Shaun: Mother ****er!
Barbara: Shaun!
Shaun: Sorry mother!... mum!
Barbara: My how you've grown!
Ed: Yeah, you'd better believe it.
[Shaun has checked the coast to see whether it's clear]
Liz: Well... is it clear?
Shaun: No.
Liz: How many?
Shaun: Lots.
[Pan up to show a horde of zombies behind the fence]
Shaun: You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
David: I'm not a chartered accountant!
Shaun: Well, you look like one!
Ed: YEAH!
David: I'm a lecturer.
Shaun: You're a twat!
Ed: YEAH!
[Shaun is waiting impatiently through a busy signal on the cordless]
Shaun: Come On!!!!
Ed: Ain't you gonna thank me, then?
Shaun: For what?
Ed: Tidyin' up.
Shaun: [looks about] It doesn't look that tidy.
Ed: [peering at the coffee table, as though the beer cans were the only thing he missed] Well, I had a few beers when I finished.
Ed: Do you want your messages?
Shaun: What?
Ed: Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
Shaun: What?
[Repeated exchange]
Yvonne: Shaun! How are you doing?
Shaun: Surviving.
[As Shaun joins Ed in playing a videogame and presses a button on the joypad]
Videogame voice: Player 2 has entered the game.
Ed: Haven't you have work?
[Shaun presses button again and gets up]
Videogame voice: Player 2 has left the game.
Shaun: All right, I've got a car outside, but it's going to be a bit cramped, so has anyone got transport?
Dianne: Ooo, yes.
Shaun: Great, where?
Dianne: Oh, no. Well, I passed my test.
[While disguised as a zombie, Ed's phone rings]
Ed: Two seconds!
[He answers and chats on his phone, despite the horrified looks of the others, until Shaun knocks it out of his hand]
Ed: Oi! What are you doing?
Shaun: [Shouts] What am I doing?! What are you doing, you stupid moron?
Ed: **** off!
Shaun: [Shouts] You **** off! **** ****ing off! Look at me! I've spent my whole life sticking my neck out for you and all you ever do is **** things up! **** things up and make me look stupid! Well, I'm not going to let it happen any more. OK? Not today!!
Liz: Shaun!
Shaun: What?!
[Sees the hundreds of zombies staring at them]
Shaun: Oh.
[David points a gun at the newly deceased Barbara, Shaun breaks a bottle & holds it to David's neck]
Shaun: DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT MY MUM!
[Ed breaks a bottle & holds it to David's neck aswell]
Ed: DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT BARBARA!
Liz: Ed, don't exacerbate things!
Ed: What does that mean?
Di: This isn't exactly fair!
Ed: Here.
[Ed gives his broken bottle to Di, who points it at Shaun. Ed goes to the bar.]
Di: Thank you.
[Ed returns with a corkscrew, which he points at David's neck.]
[There is a girl standing in Shaun's garden, back to Shaun and Ed]
Shaun: Excuse me?
[No response]
Shaun: Excuse me?
[No response]
Shaun: Hellew?
[No response; Ed picks up a pebble and throws it off her back]
Ed: Oi!
[Girl turns round, a zombie]
Shaun: Oh, my God... she's so drunk! [laughs]
[Repeated exchange]
Ed: I'm sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: It's OK.
Ed: No, I'm sorry, Shaun.
Shaun: What?
[Smells Ed's fart]
Shaun: Oh, God, that's rotten!
Ed: I'll stop doing them when you stop laughing!
Shaun: I'm not laughing!
Shaun: I do not find it hard to keep my social life and my work life separate.
Worker: Shaun, it's Liz for you.
[Hands him the phone]
Liz: How many shells have we got left?
Shaun: Um...two. I suppose we could, you know, take a few of them out if they stand in a line.
Liz: I wasn't thinking about them.
Shaun: I know.
[Pause]
Shaun: What about Ed? There's only two shells.
Ed: I don't mind being eaten.
Shaun: How're we gonna do this?
Liz: Um...I don't know. Um...One of us has to go first.
Shaun: Well, m-m-maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.
Liz: Oh, maybe you should do me. I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.
[Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then shooting himself]
Shaun: You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same evening.
Liz: [Thoughtfully] What makes you think I'm taking you back?
Shaun: [Tenderly] Well, you don't want to die single, do you?
Ed: That's it, I would like to be shot.
Liz: Goodbye, Ed. Love you.
Ed: Cheers!
Shaun: I love you too, Ed.
Ed: Gaaayy!
Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Shaun: Oh, don't, man.
Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with cliches. But what I will say is this...
[Chuckling]'
Ed: It's not the end of the world.
[zombie's hand beats on the door]
[During a stand-off, when David tries to shoot the recently-deceased Barbara]
David: You know I'm right, Liz. She's going to come back, and she's going to kill all of us. That's what your ex can't seem to realize!
Shaun: [Tearfully] That's what this is about, isn't it? It's just he doesn't like me! He's always hated me, and now he wants to shoot my mum!
David: She's not - !
Shaun: You never thought I was good enough, that I deserved her!
David: What are you talking about?
Shaun: Oh come on! We all know you're in love with Liz!
David: [Stung] That is not true!
Shaun: Yes it is!
David: That is not true!
Dianne: Yes it is.
David: What?!
Dianne: I know that you only hung around with me in college to be close to Liz, and when she knocked you back I was there to pick up the pieces. I've come to terms with that, Daffs. Why can't you?
David: Lizzy, I want you to know that my feelings for you have always been -
Liz: David, please! We have slightly more pressing concerns right now!
[Last lines]
Game console: Player two has entered the game.
[Ed tries to bite Shaun]
Shaun: Ed!
Ed: [Groans]
[Phillip dies in car next to Shaun]
Shaun: [Crying] Mum! Phil's gone!
Barbara: Where's he gone?
Shaun: Mum! He's dead!
[Barbara turns for a second behind her]
Barbara: No he isn't!
[Shaun turns to Phillip - who has become a zombie]
[Everybody except Barbara screams]
[Shaun walks into the living room and finds Ed sleeping on the sofa]
Shaun: D'you want anything from the shops?
[Ed responds with his eyes still closed]
Ed: Cornetto
[After hearing a report on TV about the zombies]
Ed: I think we should go out there.
Shaun: But the man said stay inside!
Ed: Oh, **** the man!
[After zombified Pete walks into the Winchester with the other zombies]
Ed: Hey Shaun, look who it is!
Shaun: ****-a-doodle-doo!
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