Max Bialystock quotes

That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

[Searching for the sure-fire flop] "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant ****roach." Nah, it's too good.

Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.

Thank you, I knew I could con you.

That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!

You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!

I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!

Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!


This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!

How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

I used to have thousands of investors wanting to put their money in a Max Bialystock production! These are my investors now! [shows pictures of little old women] Little old women who want one last thrill of life of their way to the cemetery.

Leo, he who hesitates is poor!

Money is honey! Money is honey!

[reading post-show telegrams] "Congratulations! Hitler will run forever."

[smiling at Leo to calm him down] Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you.' [Aside] This man should be in a straight-jacket.

Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!

  »   More Quotes from
  »   Back to the