National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation quotes

57 total quotes

Clark W. Griswold
Cousin Eddie
Others

View Quote Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
Aunt Bethany: Don't throw me down the stairs, Clark.
Clark Griswold: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

View Quote Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

View Quote Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

View Quote Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised that I am now.

View Quote Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

View Quote Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.

View Quote Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience honey.

View Quote Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

View Quote Eddie: [talking about Snots, Eddie's dog] If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.

View Quote Margo: And why is the carpet wet, Todd?
Todd: I don't know Margo.

View Quote Margot: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margot: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.

View Quote Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

View Quote Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: What dear?
Nora: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...
Uncle Lewis: <straining his face to mouth the words> They want you to say grace.... The BLESS-ING!!!
Aunt Bethany: Oh.
<everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads>
Aunt Bethany:I pledge allegiance, to the flag of the United States of America - and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all!
Clark: Amen.

View Quote Aunt Bethany: What's that sound?
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

View Quote [after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey Griswold: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.