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Ellen Griswold: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Ellen Griswold: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

Art: Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.

Aunt Bethany: [after reaching the Griswolds' house] Is this the airport Clark?

Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?

Mr. Shirley: [Picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

Audrey Griswold: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

Todd Chester: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd Chester: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: [looking at his wife, Margo] I wasn't talking to you.

Clark: Let's burn some dust here, eat my rubber!
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think what you mean is "burn rubber" and "eat my dust".
Clark: Whatever Russ, whatever.

[Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches]
Mary: Can I help you with anything?
Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing.
Mary: For your wife? For your girlfriend?
Clark: Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
Mary: Because it's cold out?
Clark: Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No shit.

Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
Aunt Bethany: Don't throw me down the stairs, Clark.
Clark Griswold: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised that I am now.

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.

Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience honey.

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Eddie: [talking about Snots, Eddie's dog] If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.

Margo: And why is the carpet wet, Todd?
Todd: I don't know Margo.

Margot: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margot: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.

Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: What dear?
Nora: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...
Uncle Lewis: <straining his face to mouth the words> They want you to say grace.... The BLESS-ING!!!
Aunt Bethany: Oh.
<everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads>
Aunt Bethany:I pledge allegiance, to the flag of the United States of America - and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all!
Clark: Amen.

Aunt Bethany: What's that sound?
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey Griswold: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.

Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb didn't we?
Rusty: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.
Catherine: Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

[As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel]
Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
Ellen: You are not going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!
Clark: Well honey, what do you suggest?

Clark Sr: (extreme close up) SQUUUIIIIRRRREEELLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogeies.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City. [the kids sit up excitedly]
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. VoilĂ .
Ellen: Are you okay?

Art: The little lights aren't twinkling.
Clark: I know Art. And thanks for noticing.

[Snots is choking under the table making it shake]
Clark: Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
[Snot gags again, table shakes]
Eddie: (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakin' on a bone.
[Snot coughs up the bone]
Eddie: He got it up.

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

Ellen: Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

Clark: My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...is innocent.

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