Uncle Rico quotes

How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.

Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack! What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.

Back in '82, I used to be able to toss a pigskin a quarter of a mile.

Your grandma took a spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx!

Hey, you guys wanna see my video?

Kip, I reckon you know a lot about...cyberspace?

Man I wish I could go back in time... I'd take state.

Billowy's good.

Vern: What are you going to do today, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!
Napoleon: (takes a bottle of juice from the refrigerator and stops short) Who are you?
Lafawnduh: I'm Lafawnduh.
Napoleon: What are you doing here?
Lafawnduh: Waiting for Kip. (short pause) Why are you so sweaty? (points at him)
Napoleon: 'Been practicing.
Lafawnduh: Practicing what?
Napoleon: My dance moves (compulsively turns his head and takes a swig of juice).

Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.
Napoleon: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Curt Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its residents, and all those who seek a peaceful existence with our underwater ally.

Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon: A frickin' twelve-gauge, what do you think?

Napoleon: Hey, can I use your guys' phone for a sec?
Secretary: Is there anything wrong?
Napoleon: I don't feel very good. [takes telephone and dials number]
Kip: [on other line, making nachos] Hi.
Napoleon: Is grandma there?
Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.
Napoleon: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Kip: What do you need?
Napoleon: Can you just go get her for me?
Kip: I'm really busy right now.
Napoleon: Just tell her to come get me.
Kip: Why?
Napoleon: 'Cause I don't feel good!
Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
Napoleon: No, she doesn't know anything... Will you just come get me?
Kip: No.
Napoleon: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my ChapStick?
Kip: No, Napoleon.
Napoleon: But my lips hurt real bad!
Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer.
Napoleon: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!
Kip: See ya.
Napoleon: Ugh! Idiot!

Napoleon: Do you ride the bus to school?
Pedro: No, I ride my bike.
Napoleon: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It's a Sledgehammer.
Napoleon: Dang! You got shocks... pegs... Lucky! You ever taken off any sweet jumps?

Napoleon: How long did it take you to grow that moustache?
Pedro: Eh... a couple of days.

Napoleon: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous 'cause I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to become a cage fighter.
Napoleon: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Napoleon: [comes down the stairs] Such an idiot...!
[After Napoleon tries and fails to hit Kip a few times, the doorbell rings]
Napoleon: I'll get it. [Slaps Kip in the face while he's not looking]
Kip: Geeeez!

Deb: And here we have some boondoggle keychains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
Napoleon: I already made, like, infinity of those at scout camp.
Deb: Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for college.
Kip: [in the background] Your mom goes to college!
[Deb shoves the case into Napoleon's hands and runs away]

Grandma: How was school today, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Worst day of my life, what do you think?

Napoleon: Well, what is there to eat?
Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Make yourself a dang quesadilla!
Napoleon: Fine!

Napoleon: So me and you are pretty much friends now right?
Pedro: Yes.
Napoleon: So you got my back and everything?
Pedro: What?!
Napoleon: Never mind.

Kip: So how long are we talking about working?
Uncle Rico: What,are you already losing your steam?
Kip: No, I just... I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?
Kip: Jeez, sometimes up to 3 or 4 hours maybe... maybe not...
Uncle Rico: You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah, grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.

Napoleon: My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.
Pedro: Is she hot?
Napoleon: See for yourself. [hands him Deb's glamor shot sample]
Pedro: Wow.
Napoleon: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamor shots for her birthday one year.
Pedro: I like her bangs.
Napoleon: Me too.

Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon: No, go find your own.
Randy: Come on. Give me some of your tots.
Napoleon: No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything today.
[Randy kicks Napoleon's pants pocket, ruining the tater tots]
Napoleon: Ugh.. gross. Freakin' idiot!

Don: [playing kickball] Hey, Napoleon. Did you wet the bed last night?
Napoleon: Hey, Don. Did you take a dump in your bed last night?
Don: I could kick your butt, Napoleon, so I'd shut up.
Napoleon: Why don't you go tell your mom to shut up?
Don: What did you just say?
Napoleon: Whatever I feel like I wanna say!
Don: Did you just say something about my mom?
Napoleon: Maybe I did, maybe I didn't!
Don: Do you wanna die, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Yeah, right. Who's the only one here knows illegal ninja moves from the government?
Don: [steps up to Napoleon] Step up, Napoleon.
[Napoleon slaps him, then runs away.]

Napoleon: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon: Too bad. She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon: Get off my property!
Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on!
Napoleon: Maybe I will, GOSH!

Uncle Rico: So, what do you think?
Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess.
Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man, I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
Napoleon: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
Napoleon: You guys are retarded!

Napoleon: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?
Pedro: That girl over there.
Napoleon: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
Pedro: Build her a cake or something.

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon: Well, you have a sweet bike, and you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're,like, the only guy at school who has a mustache.
Pedro: That's true.

Pedro: If I win, you can be my secretary or something.
Napoleon: Sweet!

Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours everyday so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.

Napoleon: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
Pedro: Why?
Napoleon: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
Napoleon: No. Not unless she likes fish.

Pedro: Who was that?
Napoleon: Trisha.
Pedro: Who's she?
Napoleon: My woman I'm taking to the dance.
Pedro: Did you draw her a picture?
Napoleon: Heck yes I did.

Uncle Rico: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon.
Napoleon: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up!
Uncle Rico: Let me tell you about something. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is making a 120 bucks.
Napoleon: I could make that much money in 5 seconds!
Kip: Geez, yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, it looks like you don't have a job. So, why don't you go out there and feed Tina?
Napoleon: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap?

Don: Vote for Summer.
Napoleon: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.
Don: Then who you gonna vote for?
Napoleon: I'm votin' for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think? [Don scoffs and starts to walk away]
Napoleon: Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?
[Don hands Napoleon a "Vote 4 Summer" button; Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, then runs away.]

Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

Napoleon: [entering convenience store] Hey, how's it goin'? Those egg rolls are looking pretty good. I might get me some later, I don't have any money right now. You know, I think I'm just gonna get me one of them lotto tickets. My wife says I gotta stop but I'm just feeling real positive today and I wanted to try out my luck and —
Cashier: I think you'd better get back to class. I don't sell lotto tickets to minors.
Napoleon: I'm just gonna go get my ID. [bumps into cooler]
...
Napoleon: [outside, to Pedro] Gosh! They wouldn't sell me one. I don't look old enough. Dang!
Pedro: Do you think I look old enough?
...
Pedro: [in store] Un lotto ticket, por favor.
[the Cashier looks at Pedro's mustache, then sells him a ticket.]
...
Napoleon: [outside, scratching ticket] Yes! Three spuds! You picked a good one! That's ten dollars! Yes!

Napoleon: Why do you got your hood on like that?
Pedro: Well, when I came home from school, my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head so hot. So I went in the kitchen, and I shaved it all off and I don't want no one to see.

Napoleon: Are you guys are, like, Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hook-ups?
Cholo #1: Si món. [translates from Spanish to "Heck yeah"]

Napoleon: [drinks a glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.
FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.
Napoleon: Yessssss.
Napoleon: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.
FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.
Napoleon: Yessssss.

Randy: Hey, lemme borrow your bike!
Nerd: No.
Randy: C'mon. I'll buy you some chips.
Nerd: No. [they both fight over the bike. A few seconds later, Pedro's cousins pull up to the scene of the fight. They look at Randy and shake their heads. Randy gets scared and runs away]

Dave: Hey, Napoleon. I hear you're in a club for girls.
Napoleon: Shut up, I am not.
Dave: Yeah? Why are you in the Happy Hands Club then?
Napoleon: 'Cause I didn't have a freakin' choice. All the other sweet clubs were filled up. Gosh!

[Napoleon hurls an orange at Uncle Rico's van, Uncle Rico stops his van, gets out his van, face to face with Napoleon, Napoleon throws an orange at Uncle Rico, Uncle Rico chases him, tackles Napoleon down, and puts Napoleon on a headlock]
Uncle Rico: Why the heck you throwin' crap at my van, Napoleon?!
Napoleon: Everybody at school thinks I'm a frickin' IDIOT because of you!
Uncle Rico: You're gonna clean my van... right now.
Napoleon: Get off of me, you bodaggot! [Napoleon hits Uncle Rico with his elbow, runs off, and climbs the fence]

Sheldon: Who's that in my drive way?
[Pedro's cousin's show off their car's hydraulics]
Napoleon: That's my ride

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