My Cousin Vinny

My Cousin Vinny quotes

47 total quotes (ID: 406)

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Vincent LaGuardia Gambini


Lisa: So what's your problem?
Vinny: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Lisa: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you." Oh my God, what a ****ing nightmare!


Bill: [on the phone] We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
[a deputy glares at him]
Stan: Some of them do.

[Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' ****ed one way or the other.
[Stan tries to get up]
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee thanks.
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little ****!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
[Wakes up Bill]
Bill: Vinny. Vinny bag'o donuts.

Lisa: I want a wedding in church with bride's maids and flowers.
Vinny: Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Lisa: Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.

Lisa: How's your Chinese food?
Vinny: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa: Yeah well what are you, a ****ing world traveler?

J.T.: Hey there little Yankee wuss! Look here, 'got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?

Vinny: What's the matter with you?
Mona Lisa: I don't know.
Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona Lisa: Well, yeah I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona Lisa: Oh Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my neice, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Ok, you can help. We'll use your pictures. AH! These are, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? What, did you shot this from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog Shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue. Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, honey, you got it! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! I love this! That's it!

Mona Lisa: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
Vinny Gambini: I told you why already.
Mona Lisa: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises. They didn't teach you that in law school either?

J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny: What is it?
J.T.: $200.
Vinny: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny: Yeah, right.

Vinny: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George Wilbur: Very impressive.
Vinny: She's cute too, huh?
George Wilbur: Yes, very.
[laughter]
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny: Sorry, Your Honor.

Vinny: Is it possible that the two utes...
Judge Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh... what word?
Judge Haller: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge Haller: Uh... did you say "utes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two utes.
Judge Haller: What is a ute?
Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor... two youths.

Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny: You were serious about that?

Judge Haller: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny: So what else is new?
Judge Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny: [to Bill] Now there's a ****ing surprise.
Judge Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny: Huh? What did I say?

Judge Haller: I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Vinny: You should.
Judge Haller: Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Vinny: I shouldn't?
Judge Haller: You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
[Takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Judge Haller: Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
[drops the book before Vinny]
Judge Haller: You willing to accept those terms?
Vinny: Sure. No problem.
[quickly leafs through the book]
Vinny: Just this? Ha ha.