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My Cousin Vinny

My Cousin Vinny quotes

47 total quotes

Multiple Characters
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini




View Quote [as the cook puts a big blob of lard on the stove] Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?
View Quote Mona Lisa: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
Vinny Gambini: I told you why already.
Mona Lisa: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises. They didn't teach you that in law school either?
View Quote Bill: You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.
Stan: My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.
Bill: Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.
...
Bill: At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
Stan: The magician with the ponytail?
Bill: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.
View Quote Bill: [on the phone] We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
[a deputy glares at him]
Stan: Some of them do.
View Quote Lisa: I want a wedding in church with bride's maids and flowers.
Vinny: Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Lisa: Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.
View Quote J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny: What is it?
J.T.: $200.
Vinny: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny: Yeah, right.
View Quote Bill: Vinny!
Vinny: What?
Bill: C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
Vinny: Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Jim Trotter: Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Judge Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.
View Quote Vinny: What's the matter with you?
Mona Lisa: I don't know.
Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona Lisa: Well, yeah I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona Lisa: Oh Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my neice, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.
View Quote Lisa: How's your Chinese food?
Vinny: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa: Yeah well what are you, a ****ing world traveler?
View Quote Vinny: Is it possible that the two utes...
Judge Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh... what word?
Judge Haller: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge Haller: Uh... did you say "utes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two utes.
Judge Haller: What is a ute?
Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor... two youths.
View Quote Vinny: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George Wilbur: Very impressive.
Vinny: She's cute too, huh?
George Wilbur: Yes, very.
[laughter]
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny: Sorry, Your Honor.
View Quote J.T.: Hey there little Yankee wuss! Look here, 'got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?
View Quote It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're ****ed. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.
View Quote Lisa: So what's your problem?
Vinny: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Lisa: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you." Oh my God, what a ****ing nightmare!
View Quote Lisa: What name did you tell him?
Vinny: Jerry Gallo.
Lisa: Jerry Gallo?! The big attorney.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: Think that was a smart move?
Vinny: Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Lisa: His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny: Yeah, I saw that.
Lisa: But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny: No
Lisa: Too bad.
Vinny: Why's that?
Lisa: 'Cause he's dead.