My Cousin Vinny

My Cousin Vinny quotes

47 total quotes (ID: 406)

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Vincent LaGuardia Gambini


Vinny: Mr. Tipton, when you viewed the defendants walking from their car into the Sac-O-Suds, what angle was your point of view?
Mr. Tipton: They was kind of walking towards me when they entered the store.
Vinny: And when they left, what angle was your point of view?
Mr. Tipton: They was kind of walking away from me.
Vinny: So would you say you got a better shot of them going in, and not so much coming out?
Mr. Tipton: You could say that.
Vinny: I did say that, would you say that?
Mr. Tipton: Yeah.


Vinny: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?
George Wilbur: Very impressive.
Vinny: She's cute too, huh?
George Wilbur: Yes, very.
[laughter]
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini...
Vinny: Sorry, Your Honor.

Vinny: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?
[Lisa examines the picture]
Vinny: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?
Lisa: No! The defense is wrong!
Vinny: Are you sure?
Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny: How could you be so sure?
Lisa: Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?
Judge Haller: This is your opinion?
Lisa: It's a fact!
Vinny: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!
Lisa: Would you like me to explain?
Vinny: I would love to hear this!
Judge Haller: So would I.
...
Lisa: The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!
Vinny: And why not? What is positraction?
Lisa: It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.
[the jury members nod, with murmurs of "yes," "that's right"]
Vinny: Is that it?
Lisa: No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.
Vinny: And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?
Lisa: They were!
Vinny: Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.
[kissing her hands]
Vinny: You've been a lovely, lovely witness.

Vinny: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?
Judge Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?
Lisa: No, I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I treat this witness as hostile?
Mona Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait till tonight.
Judge Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: Yeah, she's my fianc?e.
Judge Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Vinny: Sheriff Farley, uh... what'd you find out?
Sheriff Dean Farley: On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a '63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys, who fit the defendants' description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.
Vinny Gambini: Is that it?
Sheriff Dean Farley: No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.
Vinny: Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?
Sheriff Dean Farley: .357 Magnum.
Vinny: The defense rests.

Vinny: What are you wearing?
Mona Lisa: What?
Vinny: You look like a ****in' tourist.
Mona Lisa: Me? What about you?
Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearin' cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa: Oh yeah, you blend.

Vinny: What's the matter with you?
Mona Lisa: I don't know.
Vinny: You're acting like you're nervous or something.
Mona Lisa: Well, yeah I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn't you?
Mona Lisa: Oh Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona Lisa: Well I hate to bring it up because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my neice, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.
Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your biological clock - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the to of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

[Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' ****ed one way or the other.
[Stan tries to get up]
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee thanks.
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your ****in' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little ****!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the **** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
[Wakes up Bill]
Bill: Vinny. Vinny bag'o donuts.

[Vinny is trying to dress properly for a hunting trip.]
Vinny: What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay? Oh!
Mona Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear blue water... BAM! A ****IN' BULLET RIPS OFF PART OF YOUR HEAD! YOUR BRAINS ARE LAYIN' ON THE GROUND IN LITTLE BLOODY PIECES. Now, I ax ya. Would you give a **** what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

[as Bill is speechless and hugging him] Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.

[as the cook puts a big blob of lard on the stove] Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?

[explaining how he became a lawyer] Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he's laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, "you know what? You'd be a good litigator." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, I don't know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who's from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.

I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.

It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're ****ed. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

Ok, you can help. We'll use your pictures. AH! These are, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? What, did you shot this from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog Shit! That's great! Dog shit, what a clue. Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, honey, you got it! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! I love this! That's it!