Jackie: When I played for the Bears, they used to call me "Cement Head". But you can call me Jackie.

Why is it when you do something terrific, nine times out of 10 you're all alone, but when you screw up really big, the whole world is watching?

Ellen Jane Burrows: Oh, honey, were you thinking about that silly baseball game again?

[voice over] Destiny's a pretty big concept, when you think about it. Where you are in life, how you got there, what would have happened if one thing or another had been different. To be honest, I never gave it much thought, myself, until today, June 14th, my 35th birthday, and without a doubt, the strangest day of my life. Do you remember the old story that starts, "This guy goes into a bar"? Well, I'm the guy, and here's the story.

How about that! The desk is wired to my ass!

Jewel Jagger, Forklift Operator: You wouldn't want me to fork you to death, would you?

Why is it every time you have a mouthful of freeze-dried coffee, your boss walks in on you?

Duncan the Tow Truck Driver: Somebody here call for a tow truck?

Ellen Jane Burrows: I was wrong about you. I think you're a wonderful man. I wish it could've been different between us. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Sorry.
Larry Joseph Burrows: [long pause as Ellen walks away] Wait a minute, that's bullshit! It was meant to be!

Larry Joseph Burrows: Is there anything else that's gonna come as a shock?
Mike the Bartender: It all will, to some degree.
Larry Joseph Burrows: To what degree?
Mike the Bartender: You'll see. Things have changed, Larry. You have to take the bad with the good. You didn't think everything was gonna be perfect, did you?
Larry Joseph Burrows: Well, I... I... I suppose not.
Mike the Bartender: This is your life, Larry. Learn to enjoy what you've got.

Larry Joseph Burrows: 35 years old, and my life is shit.
Mike the Bartender: Can't be all that bad.
Larry Joseph Burrows: It's not that it's bad, you know, it's just that it's ordinary.

Larry Joseph Burrows: Thanks. Thanks for everything. The good and the bad. Boy, you sure do know how to make a point. Oh, and listen, Mike - whatever you've got planned for the rest of my life? It's perfect.
Mike the Bartender: [toasts] Happy birthday, Larry.

Clip Metzler, Larry's Best Friend: Well, you know what your problem is? Nothing's ever good enough for you. Way I see it, you've got the perfect life. You've got a wonderful home, a terrific wife, a good job, and the best friend money can buy. What else could a guy want?
Larry Joseph Burrows: A little excitement would be nice.

Larry Joseph Burrows: So, Mike, do you do this a lot, I mean, you know, change peoples' lives and stuff?
Mike the Bartender: I've been known to make a few adjustments now and again.

Larry Joseph Burrows: [voice-over] Why is it every time you break into your boss's office, he always walks in on you?
Niles Pender: Lose something, Burrows?
Larry Joseph Burrows: Something tells me I have.