Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Mr. & Mrs. Smith quotes

30 total quotes (ID: 946)

Eddie
Jane Smith
John Smith
John and Jane Smith
Others


Eddie: Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.
Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.

John Smith: She tried to kill me.

Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?

John Smith: [grabs a MP5] I'm going to borrow this.

Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.
Eddie: Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?

John Smith: [mumbles while chewing food] Laptop

Eddie: I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.

John Smith: [swallows and says louder] Laptop!

Eddie: OK. Laptop.
Eddie: [at the diner] Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?
Eddie's Waitress: You guys want any dessert?

Eddie: What do ya have honey?

Eddie's Waitress: Ice cream...

Eddie: Ice cream?! That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?

Eddie's Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...

Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...

[winks to the waitress]

Eddie's Waitress: Could be arranged...

[walks off]

Eddie: Perfect...

[to John]

Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?
Eddie's Mom: Eddie?

Eddie: [Startled. ****s shotgun and shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!

Eddie's Mom: [pause] Never mind.

Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.


Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex?

Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.
Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?

Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.
Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?

Marriage Counselor: Marriage.
Marriage Counselor: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?

Jane Smith: 8.

John Smith: Wait. Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...

Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively.

John Smith: Ok. Ready?

Jane Smith, John Smith: 8.

John Smith: Come to Daddy.

Jane Smith: [after she bashes him with a teapot and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?
John Smith: Dance with me.

Jane Smith: You don't dance.

John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.

Jane Smith: Was sloth part of it too?
John Smith: [at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question.

Jane Smith: [whispers] John.

John Smith: [softly with his fingers out for ten] Ten.
John Smith: Hiya, stranger.

Jane Smith: Hiya back.

[John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar]

Jane Smith: Where've you been?

John Smith: I just went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.

Jane Smith: How'd you do?

John Smith: I got Lucky.
John Smith: [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his] You want it? It's yours.

Jane Smith: Don't! C'mon! C'mon!
[about the new curtains Jane bought]

Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.

John Smith: All right, I don't like them.

Jane Smith: [pause] You'll get used to them.
Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after?

John Smith: No.

Jane Smith: Me neither.
Benjamin: [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or...

[Jane hits him with the telephone]

John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.
[first session with a marriage counselor]

John Smith: Ok, I'll go first. let me see... um... We don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.

Jane Smith: Six.

John Smith: [chastened] Five, six years.
Jane Smith: [referring to the pursuing cars] They're bulletproof!

John Smith: [having not heard and shot at the cars] They're bulletproof!
[Jane rolls her eyes]

John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...

Jane Smith: 312.

John Smith: What? How?

Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.

(Comparing body-counts, or possibly affairs.)
John Smith: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before.

(Jane slams on the brakes)

John Smith: Ow! Are you insane? What's wrong with you!?

Jane Smith: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me!

John Smith: It was a drunken Vegas thing.

Jane Smith: Oh, that's better! That's *much* better!

(pause)

Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?

John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.

John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?

Jane Smith: Paid actor.

John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!
Jane Smith: I know.
John Smith: You know I don't even want to talk about it!
Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?

John Smith: Are you kidding me?
John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.

Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.
John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.

Jane Smith: Art?

John Smith: History! It's reputable.
John Smith: I realise you witnessed the missus and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.

[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]

John Smith: Honey!

Jane Smith: Wrap it up.

John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.

Jane Smith: Sorry.

John Smith: Girls. Where was I?

Benjamin: Mistake on your part.

John Smith: Shut up.
John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?

Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.
John Smith: What's new?

Eddie: Same old, same old. People need killing.
John Smith: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.

Jane Smith: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.
Jane Smith: You were bait.

Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.

Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?
John Smith: [Refering to the picture Benjamin has of John and Jane] You get rid of it, you burn it! Tradecraft 101!

Benjamin: Oh. Sorry, I guess I missed that day. Just like you missed the day of don't marry the enemy.
Lucky: What? You're looking for a job or something?

John Smith: You are the job.

[John kills everybody in the room]

John Smith: [looking at the cards at the table] Pair of threes.
(comparing injuries)

John Smith: I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.

John Smith: Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.

Jane Smith: I can't feel anything in these three fingers.
John Smith: [talking about their predicament while in a nice restaurant] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?

Jane Smith: Well, that would be bad because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.

Jane Smith: [dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons] Satisfied?

John Smith: Not for years.
Jane Smith: I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.

John Smith: Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.

Jane Smith: Well, so are a lot of girls.
John Smith: That left of yours is a thing of beauty.

Jane Smith: Mmm. You take it well.

[Jane Smith looks at Julie, shocked, after Julie detonates the explosive in the elevator John is in]

Jane: [bewilderedly]What the hell was that?
Julie - Associate #1: [casually] What? You said goodbye.

Any last words?

Does that include weekends? [when asked how many times they have sex]

****ers get younger every year. [After beating up an agent who attempts to stop them from taking the mini van.]

Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.

Have you been selling big guns to bad people?

I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.

I don't understand the question. [When she and John are asked how often they have sex]

I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.

I said, I said I saw your Dad on Fantasy Island!

I was never in the peace corps.

Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone.

Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is you die.