Bertie quotes

[to Ben and Jo-Jo] We've never actually met. I'm your route manager. I helped Joe here do some bin diving, dig up your invites. Really excellent paper selection. [pause] I... I'm sorry we couldn't complete the postal cycle for you.

Oh shit, I gotta pee!

[Jo Jo is throwing self help books into a fire]
Ben Floss: Those were gifts.
Jo Jo Floss: "Grieving for Grownups"?
Ben Floss: They're supposed to be helpful.
Jo Jo Floss: Please. THIS is helpful.
[Throws another book into the fire]

[Bertie and Joe start slow dancing to the Rolling Stones' "Moonlight Mile"]
Joe Nast: What did I do?
Bertie: You played my song.

June Mulcahey: [referring to Diana's death] He didn't tell me that you were...still tied up in all that?
Joe Nast: Really?
June Mulcahey: No.
Joe Nast: Well, you know, it was kind of a deal, the whole thing. The clean-up alone took days. You'd be amazed at what a mess a high-caliber weapon can make, an in a restaurant, all those little pieces of - all of - well anyway, let's just say it was pretty time-consuming. Then you got the whole burial to deal with. This whole coffin business - much more complicated than people think. Standard sizes? Dream on! Had to custom-fit the whole deal. Had a tailor come out, do her size right then and there. Do you know how hard it is to have a tailor come out to do house calls? And on a school night? I mean [laughs] this is pulling teeth, you know what I'm saying? And then, you know, of course you got the house to deal with, and that's a whole other ordeal, you know? Cause who wants her stuff around, right? I mean, that's a valuable room, why waste it? So, you slog through that and, yeah, next thing you know a couple of weeks have gone by and your thinking to yourself "Man oh man, am I still tied up with all this? Where did the time go?"

Joe Nast: [at the post office] I think you have some mail here.
Bertie: You think?

Mike Mulcahey: Joe, what kind of man do you take me for? Prisoner of History?
Joe Nast: Not on appearance?
Mike Mulcahey: Mired in - in convention or...
Joe Nast: Uh... I'm guessing "no"?
Mike Mulcahey: Joe, we are brothers. I'm younger than you are. I'm a man of your time. What do we brother's lack?
Joe Nast: So - uh, so many things?
Mike Mulcahey: One thing!... one...time!

Bertie: You think if you just run around fast enough, figure out what everyone wants, no one's gonna notice what a coward you are? Are you that scared? - You sleep in that house, eat their food... you act like everyday's just another Sunday...You think if you just keep it up, these people won't notice their daughter's missing?
Joe Nast: What are we doing that's so different? - Lend a hand, Bertie! There's not a body in that bar that thinks Cal McGinnis is ever coming home! [pause] You think I don't know that you're never gonna make room in your life for someone who want's to know you better than 60 lousy percent?
Joe Nast: It's the last 40 that counts!
Bertie: [whispers] Where'd you go, Joe?
[Bertie walks out, slamming door behind her]
Joe Nast: I'm... right here.

Jo Jo Floss: You never smoked did you, Joe?
Joe Nast: No.
Jo Jo Floss: Diana said you had sweet breath - the very first thing she told me... At least the girl had her priorities straight. [pause] Joe, what do you think you're gonna do... without our girl?
Joe Nast: Jo-Jo, I have no idea.
Jo Jo Floss: Promise you'll let me know when you do. [pause] Of course, I'd like you to remain celibate for the rest of your life, but it's negotiable.

Bertie: So, did you ever see that "Lucy" episode where she's in this big vat stomping grapes, making wine?... I feel like that everytime I cimb in. I pretend I'm in Italy [Bertie and Joe get into the mail bin] Feeling Italian?
Joe Nast: Uh - no, not just yet.
Bertie: Give it a sec.

Bertie: So, did you come back for that drink?
Joe Nast: [chuckles] No, the dancing, actually.

Joe Nast: That song at the bar, that was yours?
Bertie: He never actually heard it... but...
Joe Nast: ...But he knew you pretty well?
Bertie: About 60%

June Mulcahey: Must keep you very busy. You must value your free time.
Joe Nast: Free time?
June Mulcahey: You know- going out, recreation.
Joe Nast: I - uh, not of late, no.
June Mulcahey: No?
Joe Nast: Yeah. Lately I've been a little, preoccupied.
June Mulcahey: [smiling] Oh, I see. Other interests.
Joe Nast: My fiance's death.

Jo Jo Floss: I'm doing an accounting, the real her, the Diana facts. [reading from a piece of paper] "Number 92- laughed like a pig. Full-throated, nasal snorts". Huh? I mean, this is the stuff! **** the perfume, give me the warts! [pause] You.
Joe Nast: [chuckles] Ew. Those really ratty sandals she always loved to wear. They always made this incredible farting sound everytime she moved.

Bertie: So, commercial real-estate?
Joe Nast: Commercial real-estate.
Bertie: What the hell does that mean?
Joe Nast: [laughing] I have no idea.
Bertie: And this is what you want to do?
Joe Nast: Not really.
Bertie: Oh, and what do you want to do?
Joe Nast: I want to figure out what I want to do.
Bertie: So you're kind of in "Escrow" at the moment?... real-estate term.
Joe Nast: Yeah, I recognized that one.

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