Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes

23 total quotes (ID: 396)

A Blessing from the Lord
Camelot
Dennis The Constitutional Peasant
End of the Film
English Castle
Frank the Historian
Inside the Cave
Opening credits
Promotional
Roger the Shrubber
Swamp Castle
The Witch
The Black Knight
The Book of the Film
The Bridge of Death
The Castle Aaaaarrrgh
The Castle Anthrax
The Cave of Caerbannog
The Dead Collector
The French Castle
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
The Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni
The Knights Who Say Ni!
The Tale of Sir Robin
Tim the Enchanter


Zoot: Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Sir Galahad: The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need.
Zoot: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight-score young blonds and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 1/2, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh, it is a lonely life: Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights.
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like, and then spank me.
Nuns: And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
[Sir Lancelot crashes in, grabs Galahad and rushes out of the castle]
Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Galahad: I don't think I was.
Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Lancelot: No, it's far too perilous.
Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Lancelot: No, I'm not.


Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur: Oh, ow!
Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.
King Arthur: Well, what do you want?
Head Knight: We want a shrubbery!! [jarring chord]

King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?
King: No, not the curtains, lad.
King: I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started, all I had was swamp! Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp, so I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. I built a third one. It burned down, fell over, and then it sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're going to get, lad--the strongest castle on these islands!
King: Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
Prince Herbert: But I don't want land.
King: Listen, Alice--
Prince Herbert: Herbert.
King: Herbert. We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get!
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King: Don't like her? What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge [Gestures to his chest] tracts of land.
King: This is Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot! He is a very brave and influential knight and my special guest today.
Wedding guest #1: He's killed my auntie!
King: No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who. We are here to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back of hall] He's not quite dead!
King: Since the near-fatal wounding of her father--
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back] He's getting better!
King: [Discreet nod to soldier] For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy black hand of death upon him.
[Scuffle at the back]
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back] Oh, he's died!
King: I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense.

King Arthur: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Head Knight: That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
King Arthur: What is that?
Head Knight: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
Random Knight: Ni!
Head Knight: [to Random Knight] Shh, shh. [to Arthur] We are now the Knights Who Say Ekke-ekke-ekke-ekke-ptang-zoo-boing. [fades into mumbling].
Random Knight: Ni!
Head Knight: Therefore, we must give you a test.
King Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of--Knights Who 'Till Recently Said Ni?
Head Knight: Firstly, you must find another shrubbery! [jarring chord]
King Arthur: Not another shrubbery!
Head Knight: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place the new shrubbery here beside the other shrubbery, only slightly higher so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
Knights of Ni: A path! A path!
Head Knight: Then! When you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest wi-i-i-i-ith a herring!!
[jarring chord]

Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor, I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Robin: Mangy Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!

[The Knights, along with Brother Maynard, venture into the cave and find the runes.]
Arthur: There! Look!
Lancelot: What does it say?
Galahad: What language is that?
Arthur: Brother Maynard! You are our scholar.
Brother Maynard: [studies the runes] It's Aramaic.
Arthur: What does it say?
Maynard: It says, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimethea: "He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
[pause]
Arthur: What?
Maynard: '"...The Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
[pause]
Bedevere: Where is that?
Maynard: He must have died while carving it.
Lancelot: [incredulous] Oh, come on!
Maynard: Well that's what it says.
Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaarrrgh'. He'd just say it!
Galahad: Perhaps he was dictating.

Bridgekeeper: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: [Suddenly friendly] Right. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [crosses the Bridge]
Sir Robin: That's easy! [He approaches the Bridge. The others follow him.]
Bridgekeeper: STOP! Whoever approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Robin: I don't know that! AAAAAAAAHHH! [is cast into the gorge by an invisible force]
[Arthur and the other Knights realise that this will not be as easy as they thought. Galahad then approaches the Bridge.]
Bridgekeeper: STOP! What... is your name?
Sir Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Galahad: Blue. No, yellOOOOOOOW!! [is cast into the gorge]
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. STOP! What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I don't know that! EEEEEEAAAARRGH!!! [is cast into the gorge]
Sir Bedevere: [to Arthur] How do you know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Police Sergeant: All right, sonny, that's enough. Just pack it here [He thrusts his hand at the lens of the camera as if to cover it and the picture explodes into static. Annoying music is then played for approximately six and a half minutes and the movie ends.].