Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes

23 total quotes (ID: 396)

A Blessing from the Lord
Camelot
Dennis The Constitutional Peasant
End of the Film
English Castle
Frank the Historian
Inside the Cave
Opening credits
Promotional
Roger the Shrubber
Swamp Castle
The Witch
The Black Knight
The Book of the Film
The Bridge of Death
The Castle Aaaaarrrgh
The Castle Anthrax
The Cave of Caerbannog
The Dead Collector
The French Castle
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
The Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni
The Knights Who Say Ni!
The Tale of Sir Robin
Tim the Enchanter


Narrator: Sir Bedevere the Wise was the first to become one of King Arthur's Knights. But other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad the Pure, Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot — who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the Vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill — and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table.


Peasant 1: A witch! We have found a witch! Can we burn her?
Belvedere: How do you know that she is a witch?
Peasant 2: Because she looks like one!
Witch: I am not a witch! I am not a witch! They dressed me up like this, and this is not my nose it is a false one!
[Belvedere pulls off the false nose and opens his helmet]
Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose, and the hat.
Peasant 2: She has a wart.
Belvedere: Why do you think that she is a witch?
Peasant 2: Well, she turned me into a newt.
[Belvedere gives him a disbelieving look]
Belvedere: A newt?
[Silence]
Peasant 2: Well I got better.
Peasant 3: Burn her anyway.
[Yells of "Burn her!"]
Belvedere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches?
Peasants: Burn them!
Belvedere: Now, what do burn besides witches?
Peasant 3: More witches! [receives a punch from Peasant 1; silence]
Peasant 2: Wood?
Belvedere: So, why do witches burn? [more silence]
Peasant 2: Because there made of wood?
Belvedere: So, how do you tell if she is made of wood?
Peasant 3: Build a bridge out of her!
Belvedere: Ah, but cant you also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 3: Oh, right.
Belvedere: Tell me, does wood sink?
Peasant 1: No, it floats.
Belvedere: What also floats in water?
[lots of yelling and many wrong and random answers including very small rocks]
King Arthur: A duck!
Belvedere: Exactly!
Peasant 2: So if she weighs as much as a duck she is made of wood.
Belvedere: And therefore?
Peasants: A witch!
Belvedere: We shall use my largest scales.
[Having been revealed to weigh the same as a duck, therefore proving her a witch, the crowd goes insane]
Witch: It's a fair cop.

Police Sergeant: All right, sonny, that's enough. Just pack it here [He thrusts his hand at the lens of the camera as if to cover it and the picture explodes into static. Annoying music is then played for approximately six and a half minutes and the movie ends.].

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[A magnificent castle stands before them.]
King Arthur: Camelot.
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: Camelot.
Patsy: It's only a model.

Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor, I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Robin: Mangy Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!

Zoot: Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Sir Galahad: The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need.
Zoot: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight-score young blonds and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 1/2, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh, it is a lonely life: Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights.
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like, and then spank me.
Nuns: And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
[Sir Lancelot crashes in, grabs Galahad and rushes out of the castle]
Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Galahad: I don't think I was.
Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Lancelot: No, it's far too perilous.
Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Lancelot: No, I'm not.

[The Knights, along with Brother Maynard, venture into the cave and find the runes.]
Arthur: There! Look!
Lancelot: What does it say?
Galahad: What language is that?
Arthur: Brother Maynard! You are our scholar.
Brother Maynard: [studies the runes] It's Aramaic.
Arthur: What does it say?
Maynard: It says, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimethea: "He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
[pause]
Arthur: What?
Maynard: '"...The Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
[pause]
Bedevere: Where is that?
Maynard: He must have died while carving it.
Lancelot: [incredulous] Oh, come on!
Maynard: Well that's what it says.
Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaarrrgh'. He'd just say it!
Galahad: Perhaps he was dictating.

Arthur: Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot! Bedemir: Lancelot! Lancelot! [Meanwhile, Lancelot is being padded down by the police] Arthur: The Castle Aaaaarrrgh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! [kneels and prays] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast bought safe to us the most Holy — [loud BOING in the background] JESUS CHRIST!
[A sheep drops upon Arthur and Bedevere. The annoying Frenchman appears.]
Frenchman: 'Allo, little English K-niggits and Monsieur Ah-thoor Keeng who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows outwit you a second time-a!
Arthur: How dare you profane this place with your presence?! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
Frenchman: How you English say "I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction," sons of a window-dresser! So, you zought you could outclever us French folk with your silly knees-bent-running-around-advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy load of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters!
Arthur: IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, WE DEMAND ENTRANCE TO THIS SACRED CASTLE!
Frenchman: No chance, English bedwetting types! I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Arthur: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [The French chuck their waste upon Arthur and Bedevere.] In the name of God and the glory of our — [They do it a second time.] Right! That settles it! [He and Bedevere start to storm off. The French continue to jeer at them.]
Frenchman: Yes, depart at this time and don't be approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already!
Arthur: [to Bedevere] Walk away. Just ignore them.
Frenchman: Yes! Go! And remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And if you zink you got nasty taunting ZIS time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English K-niggits! Thhhhhhppppph!