[Headmaster Humphrey Williams addresses the bored looking assembly]
Humphrey: “... And spotteth twice, they, the camels before the third hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda: he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon. And there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots." Here endeth the lesson.
Chaplain: Let us praise God.
[The congregation rises.]
Chaplain: O Lord...
Congregation: O Lord...
Chaplain: ... ooh, You are so big...
Congregation: ... ooh, You are so big...
Chaplain: ... so absolutely huge.
Congregation: ... so absolutely huge.
Chaplain: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Congregation: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Chaplain: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...
Congregation: ... and barefaced flattery.
Chaplain: But You're so strong and, well, just so... super.
Congregation: Fantastic!
Chaplain: Amen.
Congregation: Amen.
[The congregation sits again.]
Humphrey: Now, two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now, some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So, from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! Oh, and Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain?
[The Chaplain leads the congregation in a hymn.]
Chaplain, Congregation: [singing] Oh, Lord, please don't burn us,
Don't grill or toast your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue,
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok.

Oh please don't lightly poach us,
Or baste us with hot fat,
Don't fricassee or roast us,
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick thy servants Lord,
In a Rotissomat...

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