MASH quotes

View Quote Cpl. Judson: [Sung for Painless] Suicide is painless / it brings on many changes / and I can take or leave it / if I please

View Quote Trapper John: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson: [Outraged] Oh! [She turns to leave and bumps into Nurse] Oh! Fool! [She stomps off]
Nurse: How do you want your steak cooked?

View Quote Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?

View Quote Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... and under normal cir****stances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you're what we call a regular army clown.

View Quote Baby we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before.

View Quote [Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy.

View Quote Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic

View Quote Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy.

View Quote It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.

View Quote No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. [The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips] No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now.

View Quote [As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing] I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.

View Quote Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.

View Quote Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault.

View Quote [Watching as Frank Burns leaves] Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?

View Quote Take care of the squirrels.