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Captain Felix Maxwell: [to Jonathan] Switcher, you are one sick puppy!

Mrs. Claire Prince Timkin: Mr. Richards, this store has never been more successful, and it's all due to Jonathan Switcher. I don't care if he puts a rubber glove on his head and runs naked around the store yelling: "Hi, I'm a squid!"

Mannequin Factory Boss: You know, you could get the dummy of the week award, Switcher.
Jonathan Switcher: She turned out pretty good, didn't she?
Mannequin Factory Boss: I wasn't talking about her.

Jonathan Switcher: This job at Illustra is destroying your sense of humor. You gotta quit.
Roxie Shield: I'm not the one who can't deal with reality.
Jonathan Switcher: Reality is very disappointing.

Roxie Shield: I think you should see a professional.
Jonathan Switcher: A professional? What do you mean, a hooker?
Roxie Shield: No, I mean a psychiatrist.
Jonathan Switcher: I can't afford a psychiatrist.
Roxie Shield: Then call one of those shrinks on the radio.
Jonathan Switcher: A radio shrink? They're only good for people with problems that fit between the commercials.

Mrs. Claire Prince Timkin: If there's anything I could do for you--
Jonathan Switcher: Yeah, I could use a job.
Mrs. Claire Prince Timkin: What do you do?
Jonathan Switcher: Anything!
Mrs. Claire Prince Timkin: When can you start?
Jonathan Switcher: Uh, as soon as I finish this!

Mrs. Claire Prince Timkin: I don't know how we're going to make this store great again.
Jonathan Switcher: Looks fine to me. What time do we open?
Mrs. Claire Prince Timkin: We are open.
Jonathan Switcher: I'm sure things will pick up by lunch.

Hollywood Montrose: I am so glad you're working here!
Jonathan Switcher: You are?
Hollywood Montrose: Well, of course I am, darling. I never thought they'd hire anyone stranger than me.

Captain Felix Maxwell: Just what is your assignment here tonight, boy?
Jonathan Switcher: I'm helping Hollywood with the window.
Captain Felix Maxwell: Oh, the little Mary has an assistant now? Where do you people from come from?
Jonathan Switcher: Ohio.
Captain Felix Maxwell: Ohio? You mean they got 'em in Ohio?

Jonathan Switcher: Hollywood, I don't know about men's thighs, they look fine to me. They really do.
Hollywood Montrose: Thank you. Albert called me "cellulite city". Maybe he's right. Maybe I should have my hips lifted.

Hollywood Montrose: An artist never leaves his work unfinished.
Jonathan Switcher: It looks fine to me.
Hollywood Montrose: In that case, I'm a dream that once was.

Ema "Emmy" Hesire: Tonight, we'll do something different and special. Something that this store has never seen before. I just wish you didn't look so worried.
Jonathan Switcher: That's easy for you to say. You're a mannequin, you'll always have work. Me, I'm gonna wind up in the nuthouse after this. I wonder if insanity is covered in the employee health plan?

Roxie Shield: You could've decided to tell me that you wanted to stand me up. Instead, you come here to me lying with this ridiculous story.
Jonathan Switcher: I'm not lying. I'm insane.

Jonathan Switcher: [coming out of the elevator] Easy, Felix! I don't think she's armed!
Captain Felix Maxwell: You can fool Rambo but it won't work with me, Switcher! My brain is quicker than a club!

Jonathan Switcher: Just when I think you're real, you vanish. What's with you? What's with me?
Ema "Emmy" Hesire: Didn't I tell you? You're the only one who can see me like this.
Jonathan Switcher: It's not exactly fair, is it?
Ema "Emmy" Hesire: Talk to them.

Mrs. Thomas: Who's crying?
Lupe: It's either our new vice president, the fairy... or the dummy!

Armand: Roxie! Roxie, Roxie. You know what you need to do right now? You need to put him and this whole nasty affair out of your mind. Now, how is the best way to do that, huh? Huh? By having a night of distasteful sex with someone you care absolutely nothing about! And proudly, I would like to be that person.
Roxie Shield: Fine, let's go to your place
Armand: Really?
Roxie Shield: Drive fast before I have second thoughts!
Armand: Armand is the wind!

Captain Felix Maxwell: Mr. Richards, you'd better put some camouflage on, sir.
Mr. Richards: I am not going to put shoe polish on my face, thank you.

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