Mallrats

Mallrats quotes

78 total quotes (ID: 775)

Brodie Bruce
Jay
Multiple Characters
Rene
T.S. Quinn


Stan Lee: They look happy, don't they?
Brodie: What, the bras?


T.S.: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?
Jay: Look who you're asking!

T.S.: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
T.S.: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.
T.S.: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
T.S.: Of course it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
T.S.: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- [notices Rene at the clothing store] Holy shit!

T.S.: Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?"
Shannon: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay? [shouts in T.S.'s ear] The customer is always an asshole!

T.S.: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.
Gill Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.
Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

T.S.: I got to hit the bathroom.
Brodie: Please. Don't say "hit"!

T.S.: Jesus, how much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S.: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S.: Let's hope there is a next time.

T.S.: What? Do you know that kid or something?
Brodie: I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!
T.S.: What is with you today?
Brodie: Don't get me wrong, I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child!
T.S.: That's sort of a harsh lesson, don't you think?
Brodie: Man, there's not a year goes by--not a year--that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid that could've easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

T.S.: You should see yourself right now: a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man.

Tricia Jones: So I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want romance, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?
Brodie: Hey, now, be fair. Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Willam: Brenda?
Rene: Dick!

[Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]
Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there?
Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.
Brodie: Warned?! What the **** are you talking about?!
Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave.
Brodie: **** you, Fan Boy!
T.S.: Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.

[Brodie moves to hit Shannon, who is in police custody]
Police Officer: Hey! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.
Brodie: Oh, come on, fellas! Just once.
Police Officer: Alright. But make it quick.
[Brodie punches Shannon in the gut]

[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game]
Rene: What the hell are you doing?
Brodie: Finishing my game.
Rene: No, you promised me breakfast.
Brodie: Breakfast? Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

[in elevator]
Brodie: What the hell gives at the cover boy?
Rene: None of your damn business, [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.
Brodie: Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
Rene: Brodie, start the elevator.
Brodie: No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?
Rene: Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.
Brodie: Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!
Rene: I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!