Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
T.S.: What is with you today?
[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]
T.S.: Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't--
Gwen: You fucker!
[In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]
Brodie: See, that's what you get for fucking with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
Gwen: He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?
Brodie: I'm not glowing.

Brodie: My grandmother always used to say "Why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?"
T.S.: She said that?
Brodie: All the time. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's besides the point.

Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish".
Tricia Jones: Nobody calls me that.

Brodie: That kid is back on the escalator again!
T.S.: Would you leave it alone?
Brodie: What?!

Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
T.S.: You're such an anal retentive bastard.
Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no. You wanted to play little league instead.
[T.S. notices something on a table]
T.S.: What's that?
Brodie: Like it? I framed it before you got here.
T.S.: Oh my God, Rene dumped you!
Brodie: Hell hath no fear like a woman scorned for Sega.
T.S.: Wow, look at this long list of complaints; no sense of direction, no college ambition, no job prospect--
Brodie: Yeah, and it also says I have no dick, but you'll see that follows the financial aspect which proves once more what women really look for in a guy.
T.S.: Whoa, she calls you callow in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary.
T.S.: Well, you're lucky, because unlike you, I didn't get a letter with all those obscure adjectives.
Brodie: What are you talking about?
T.S.: Just like you, now I'm in the framing business.
Brodie: Holy shit, Brandi dumped you. Wait a sec. Aren't you two supposed to be going to Florida together?
T.S.: Yeah, she left this morning, but it gets worse; I was going to propose to her.
Brodie: Where?
T.S.: Universal tour.
Brodie: You're kidding! What part?
T.S.: When Jaws popped out of the water.
Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
T.S.: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.: [scoffs] Why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Rene. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S.: You think that's the reason she dumped you? C'mon, Rene's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating--
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S.: Shut up.
Brodie: What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie: I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?
T.S.: [sarcastically] We just nailed it in your case.
Brodie: No, there is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.
T.S.: What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall!
T.S.: I prefer ritual suicide.
Brodie: Oh come on, man, it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try 'em, they're awesome.

Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--
Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Rene: For what?
Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--
Rene: Brodie, Brodie--
Brodie: --or a boat show--
Rene: Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.

Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and fucking bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S.: That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S.: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

Ivannah: Free your minds.
Brodie: I'd like to free something.
Ivannah: Fuckus.
Brodie: That's what I was thinking.
T.S.: She said "focus".
Brodie: Whatever.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's fucking dead!
Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S.: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S.: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S.: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

Kid 1: It's a schooner!
Willam: Ha ha! You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, its a sailboat.
Kid 2: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Willam: [losing patience] You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!

Rene: [about why she cries in the bathroom] Do you really wanna know?
Brodie: I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of concerned guy.

Shannon: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those fucking mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon punches Brodie]
Shannon: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
Shannon: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Shannon: No. More like someplace girls dread.
[Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, but Shannon gives him another beat-down]

Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gill: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Shannon: You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand it all.