[to Rexman] Hey, Rexman! Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you've got the chance to be the hero on national television... if you don't blow it. Saw your wife at the Capri Lounge last night. Hell of a dancer. You should be very very proud. Oh, and that guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend and all, but tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head? [Rexman pops the ball straight up] Uh-oh, Rexie, I don't think this one's got the distance.

Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.

Eddie Harris: Up your butt, Jobu.

Pedro Cerrano: I stuck up for you Jobu. You no help me now...I say fuck you Jobu. I do it myself.

Harry: [reading statistics on the air] And the Indians drop this one, 6-to-one to the Rangers. For the Indians, one run on, let's see, one hit...that's all we got? One god-damned hit?
Monty: [covering microphone] You can't say "god-damn" on the air!
Harry: Don't worry. Nobody's listening, anyway.

Lou: [answering the phone] Tire World.
Charlie: Lou, it's Charlie Donvan from Cleveland. How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
Lou: Gee, I don't know...
Charlie: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
Lou: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

Heywood: [afterHayes reached on a bloop infield single] You really knocked the crap out of that one.
Willie: Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this. [shows Heywood his black gloves] I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.
Heywood: My ass.
Harry: [Hayes takes his lead off first base] We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job.
Heywood: You're gonna look real sharp, tryin' to steal second with your shoe untied.
Harry: [Hayes looks down, then gets thrown out by the pitcher] Throw to first... Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.

I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees.

Second base... [overthrows second baseman] shit.

Come on Jake. It's only your life.

[sliding into home plate in a tux] The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it.

[Introducing himself] Willie Mays Hayes. I play like Mays, and I run like Hayes.

Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Hey Jake, man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game!

We should've got the live chicken.

In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.