Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes

69 total quotes (ID: 353)

Bacon
Barry the Baptist
Eddie
Multiple Characters
Rory Breaker
Soap
Tom


Get Nick, that greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, if he's stupid enough to still be on this planet.


Guns for a show, knives for a pro

Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash so I'm gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise I will take a finger of each of you and your friends' hands for everyday that passes without payment. And then when you run out of digits, your dad's bar and who knows what then. All right, my son?

I ****ing hate traffic wardens

I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past!

If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it.

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those shooters. Quick!

If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya. Now, Mr. Bubble-and-Squeak, you may enlighten me.

Is this some white ****s' joke that black ****s don't get? 'Cause I'm not ****ing laughing Nicholas (comically pronounced Nee-Cole-Us).

It's a deal, it's a steal, it's a sale of the ****ing century! In fact, **** it, Nick, I think I'll keep it.

Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag. Reached out for the nearest thing at hand which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber ****. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now, that was seen as a pleasant way to go, hence, Hatchet Harry is the man you pay if you owe.

Listen to this one: You open a company called the Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club. You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, you sell it with, I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", "the latest and greatest in sexual technology", "guaranteed results or your money back", all that bollocks. Now these dils cost twenty-five quid a pop - as a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients. But they send their cheques to the other company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five quid. You take that twenty-five quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears. Now this is the smart bit - you send back the cheque for twenty-five pound from the other company name, "Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club", saying we're sorry, we couldn't get the supplies from America because they ran out of stock. Now you see how many people cash that cheque - not a single soul, because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying cheques?

Lock, stock, the ****in' lot.

Mother! Brother! Any other sucker! They're still ****ing guns! And they still fire ****ing bullets!

No, **** that. You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off.