Liar Liar

Liar Liar quotes

56 total quotes (ID: 771)

Fletcher Reede
Max Reede


Audrey: Well, what were you doing?
Fletcher: Having sex!
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone very special!
Fletcher: No, see that's the thing, I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could get ahead by making her squealllAAAAHH! (Throws phone away)


Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walking!
Randy: Hey, Fletcher!
Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to be remembered!
Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?
Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!
Greta: Mr. Reede...
Fletcher: Don't ask! For God's sake, don't ask!

Fletcher: You scratched my car!
Impound Guy: Where?
Fletcher: [Showing him exactly] Right there!
Impound Guy: Oh. That was already there.
Fletcher: You - liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?
Impound Guy: What?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Motorpool Guy: You've been here before, haven't ya? [winks]

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me! [winces]
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets. [pulls the glovebox open to reveal the piles of parking tickets and groans] ... be gentle.

Max: Is wrestling real?
Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Max: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?
Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Max: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Receptionist: Hey, Mr Reede! Like the new dress?
Fletcher: Whatever takes the focus off your head!

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: Why?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge: Overruled.
Fletcher: Good call!

Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

Judge Stevens: Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?
Fletcher: No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!
[Samantha and children enter]
Samantha: [to children] Hurry up! Move it!
Fletcher: [singing in tune to Mighty Mouse theme] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!
Judge Stevens: MISTER Reede!
Fletcher: Sorry, Your Honor!

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?
Samantha: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher: No! [pause] I'd have got him ten.

Jerry: I love you!
Audrey: Thank you.
Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...
Audrey: Thank you very much?

Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck?
Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!