ALL A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

Knocked Up

Knocked Up quotes

78 total quotes

Allison Scott
Ben Stone
Debbie
Doorman
Fantasy Baseball Guy
Jason
Jay
Jonah
Martin
Pete




View Quote Was your vagina drunk?! Did you think it's the thinnest condom on Earth I have on, I'm a ****ing inventor?! I made a dick-skin condom?! "He hollowed out a penis and put it on." What the ****?!
View Quote You know what? I know this isn't you talking, it's your hormones, but I would just like to say, "**** you, hormones! You are a crazy bitch, hormones!" Not Alison, hormones. **** 'em. It's a girl, buy some pink shit.
View Quote I will **** my bong. Doggy-style, for once. (gives Alison the middle finger as he walks out of the OB/GYN office)
View Quote Nice. You are such an asshole. You know what? Go--go **** your ****ing bong!
View Quote (After Jay has announced that he has shaved his pubic area) What the ****, man?! If I go in there and see ****ing pubes sprinkled all over the toilet seat, I'm gonna ****ing lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a ****ing stuffed animal!
View Quote I'm not having SHIT right now besides a ****ing panic attack!
View Quote Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
View Quote Well, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.
View Quote I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit.
View Quote I know. You’re right. I'm so sorry. I ****in' hate this job. I don't wanna be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as ****. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
View Quote You old, she pregnant...can't have a buncha old, pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in 1 1/4 black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.
View Quote Debbie: We have to help them raise the baby.
Pete: Well...****!!
View Quote Debbie: Look, here are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.
Pete: Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
Debbie: These are SEX OFFENDERS. They live in our NEIGHBORHOOD.
Pete: Well, we'll skip their houses when we go trick-or-treating. What do you want me to do? Form a posse? (to Ben) I got my six shooter. Ya got your lynchin' rope?
Debbie: If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything. Care more.
View Quote Debbie: (crying) I like Spiderman!
Pete: Okay, then let's go see Spiderman 3 next week.
Debbie: I don't wanna see Spiderman! I don't want to have to ask you to ask me!! I want you to think of it yourself!
Pete: Look, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you.
Debbie: You think that just because you don't yell, you're not mean?! This is mean!!
View Quote Ben:I assumed you were wearing a patch, or like a, like a dental dam, or one of those ****in' butterfly clips or something--
Alison: What? What the hell is a dental dam?
Ben: It's like saran wrap, it's disgusting, but I thought you had one!