Jay quotes

Yo lunchbox, hurry it up.

I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this ****ing face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this ****ing face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the **** I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little **** [referring to Silent Bob], none of you little ****s out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little ****. Then I rub my nose with it.

In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.

All you mother****ers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna **** your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax ****s who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then all you mother****s are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!

Zoinks, yo!

I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some ****in titties floppin around, yeah!

Hey. Get the **** off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.

Holy ****, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the ****in' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey ****s'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!

[Trying to talk his way out of a drug bust] What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the ****ing stink nuggets!

Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole ****ing lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What.

Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

[the Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves] Yo. You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that. [pulls out a bag of rolled up joints] We call them Doobie Snax.

I can't belive this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a ****in' cartoon. [the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby Doo cartoons pulls up alongside Jay and Silent Bob]

[clears throat] And I'll be, like, "What, you don't know ****in' Jay and Silent Bob? The ****in' mack daddys of ****in' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that youse guys are a couple of little [emphatically to Silent Bob] ****holes!" [both laugh]

Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

Die, you super-monkey ****.

Just call me Darth Balls... Bong.

[after pulling a very long pube out of his teeth] Eew, man, she had '70s bush. Damn second rule in that book should be: "Trim that shit".

[Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe] Just like Winnie the Pooh.

[to Silent Bob] I said you LOVE the ****. I must be the craftiest mother****er alive.

[singing] I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealin' the monkey. [laughs] Stealin' the little monkey. Man, if I woulda known that, I would have been stealin' monkeys since I was like, seven and shit.

You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like, "Ooh, I want to suck youse guys' dicks off," and she's, like, "What your names?" And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that ****in' youse guys are a couple of little ****in' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, **** that.

[singing outside the Stop N Go] I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls

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