Inventing the Abbotts quotes

33 total quotes

Major cast

View Quote Doug Holt: Hey Jacey... Remember the time I got my dick caught in my zipper? Remember in school, in the first grade?

View Quote [Lloyd shows Jacey the door after Alice backs away from him.]
Lloyd Abbott: Now get the hell out of here, you rotten stud. Keep your poor-boy dick out of my daughters.

View Quote Narrator/Older Doug: My brother and I were born strangers. Same last name, same address, but everything else about us was different. Back then, Jacey was a complete mystery to me, and I was a constant source of embarrasment to him.

View Quote Narrator/Older Doug: Everything Jacey wanted in life, the Abbotts already had: their cars, money, country clubs. But in the beginning, more than anything else, he wanted Eleanor Abbott. I'd witnessed enough of my brother's social agony to resolve early on. I would never let the Abbotts matter to me.

View Quote Joan Abbott: Jacey needs to be disciplined.
Helen Holt: I don't think that's neccesary.
Joan Abbott: Well if I were you, I'd talk to him, and--.
Helen Holt: No, Joan, I'm not going to do that. If you've got something to say to my son, you're going to have to say it to him yourself.
Joan Abbott: I just thought you would like to know what your son has done.
Helen Holt: And why on Earth should I believe anything you say, Joan.

View Quote Narrator/Older Doug: My mother's life had been damaged by a lie, and my brother was forever lost in a maze of illusions that lie had created... and I had followed him there. Jacey would never find his way out, but I had to... and the only way I could do that was to forgive, but I could never forget.

View Quote Pamela Abbott: Look, I'm not rich. My father is. And I didn't pick my father. And if I had a choice between having tons of money and having another father, I'd be absolutely delighted to be poor. But unfortunately, life is just not a cafeteria.
Doug Holt: Life is not a cafeteria?
Pamela Abbott: You know what I mean.

View Quote [last lines]
Narrator/Older Doug: A year later, the impossible finally happened. One of the Holt boys married one of the Abbott girls. We have two daughters. I named the youngest Helen after my mom.

View Quote Pamela Abbott: Look, Alice is the good daughter, Eleanor's the bad one, and I'm the one that sort of gets off the hook. It's just the way it works.

View Quote Pamela Abbott: Stop treating me like an Abbott!
Doug Holt: How the hell am I supposed to treat you?
Pamela Abbott: Like you used to; like just plain Pam. And you don't have to say that you're sorry! And don't look at me as though someone just ran over you dog! It's make me want to scream sometimes.

View Quote Pamela Abbott: You don't know my father, you don't know how he is about Jacey. He blames him for everything that happened with Eleanor.
Doug Holt: Look, Eleanor flirts with a lot of guys. It's not Jacey's fault you dad kicked her out.
Pamela Abbott: He didn't kick her out, he sent her off to some goddamned nuthouse. He just up and shipped her off to some clinic; she was consigned.
Doug Holt: Wait, I thought you said that she's in Chicago.
Pamela Abbott: Well, she is now, they let her out like a month ago.

View Quote [Lloyd catches Eleanor walking with Jacey.]
Eleanor Abbott: Hi, daddy.
Lloyd Abbott: What are you doing out here?
Eleanor Abbott: ****ing Jacey.
Lloyd Abbott: Get in the car.

View Quote Pamela Abbott: How can you ever forgive me?
Doug Holt: You always love me no matter what I did, right?
Pamela Abbott: Yeah.
Doug Holt: Maybe that's how I love you. No matter what. It's the best kind of love, you know?

View Quote Narrator/Older Doug: Jacey pretended to care for Alice so well, the illusion became so complete that even he was fooled.

View Quote Narrator/Older Doug: That visit from Joan Abbott not only marked the end of Jacey's affair with Eleanor, but also the end of Eleanor Abbott herself. She disappeared from Haley, vanished or banished, no one knew for certain. But life with the Abbotts went on without her.