Carl's Jr. Computer: Enjoy your EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES!

Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you...

Dr. Lexus: Don't worry scrote! There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

Dr. Lexus: It says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like...

Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation.

Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un [United Nations]! And the un un-nazi'd the world! Forever!

Various: I like money.

Frito: I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out.
Cameraman: Totally.

Frito: It's you! Oh man, I really love your show.
Ow! My Balls! Guy(Hormel Chavez): Thank you so much.
[Frito kicks the man in the crotch]

Joe: Why me? Every time Metzler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
Sgt. Keller: Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading, or at least following.
Joe: That doesn't embarrass me.

Joe: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?
Frito: Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Program: Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card. Document number G24L8.
Joe: I'm not sure if—
Program: You have entered the name "Not Sure". Is this correct, Not Sure?
Joe: No, it's not correct.
Program: Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?
Joe: No it's not. My name is Joe—
Program: You've already confirmed your first name is "Not". Please confirm your last name "Sure".
Joe: My last name is not "Sure".
Program: Thank you, "Not Sure".
Joe: No. What I mean is that my name is Joe.
Program: Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

Rita:You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
Joe: Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.
Rita: Now you know why he built that bomb.

[Frito is struggling to read an advertisement]
Cameraman: Why you keep trying to read that word? You a fag?
Frito: I'll fag your face.
[Frito punches Cameraman in the face]

[Joe's Hibernation Pod crashes through Frito's window]
Joe: Where's...?
Frito: Hold on. Shut up.
Joe: Where's Officer Collins?
Frito: Shut up!
Joe: Are we on base?
Frito: I'll base your ass on my fist- face- ass! Shut up!
Joe: I'm sorry, it's just, where am I?
Frito: Shut up! I told you already.
[Frito throws Joe out the window]
Frito: Yeah! Won't Shut up! Come in here and not shut up. Yeah, you're like "I'm not shuttin' up..."