Detective Del Spooner [Describing his view on robots]
There's nothing in here. [Points to his chest] It's just lights and clockwork.
Played by Will Smith 
I, Robot (2004) · 62 quotes
I, Robot (2004) · 62 quotes
Most-quoted character in I, Robot (2004): in 46 of its 62 quotes
Most scenes with: Susan Calvin (15), Sonny (5), Farber (4)
You are crazy. Look, this is not what I do but, I have an idea for one of your commercials: You could see a carpenter, makin' a beautiful chair, and then one of your robots comes in, and makes a better chair, twice as fast. An then you super-impose on the screen: "USR. Shittin' on the little guy." That would be the fade out.
More lines from Detective Del Spooner
14 quotes Detective Del Spooner Detective Del Spooner [After destroying a robot about to attack Calvin]
Y'know, somehow "I told you so" just doesn't quite say it.
Detective Del Spooner Does believing you're the last sane man on the planet make you crazy? 'Cause if it does, maybe I am.
Detective Del Spooner [sneezes]
... Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Detective Del Spooner [two USR trucks surround Spooner's car and open up, revealing numerous NS-5s]
There is no way my luck is that bad. [The robots activate and stare at him] Aw, HELL NO!
Detective Del Spooner [To Calvin upon realising that VIKI is behind everything]
You were right, Doc. I am the dumbest dumb person on the face of the Earth.
Detective Del Spooner [Talking to a cat previously owned by Lanning]
Look, I know you've experienced a loss, but this relationship just can't work, I mean you're a cat, I'm black, and I'm not gonna be hurt again.
Detective Del Spooner [To VIKI]
You have SO got to die.
Detective Del Spooner Robots building robots? Now that's just stupid.
Detective Del Spooner [A security guard grabs his arm]
What hospital are you goin' to? I'll meet ya and sign you and your buddy's casts. [guard removes his arm]
Detective Del Spooner [to Calvin]
You are the dumbest smart person I have EVER met in my life.
Detective Del Spooner [Talking to Robertson, describing himself]
That's right, I'm just a 6 foot 2, 200 pound civilian... here to kick another civilian's ass.
Detective Del Spooner [to Calvin]
You and your feelings. They just run you, don't they?
Detective Del Spooner First off, stop cussin', 'cause you're not good at it. Bitch.
Scenes with Detective Del Spooner
31 scenes
Well, I guess we're going to miss the good old days.
Detective Del Spooner What good old days?
When people were killed by other people.
Detective Del Spooner Murder's a new trick for a robot. Congratulations. Respond.
What does this action signify?
[winks]
As you walked in the room, when you looked at the other human. What does it mean?
[winks]
Detective Del Spooner It's a sign of trust. It's a human thing. You wouldn't understand.
My father tried to teach me human emotions. They are... difficult.
Detective Del Spooner You mean your designer.
Yes.
Detective Del Spooner So, why'd you murder him?
I did not murder Dr. Lanning.
Detective Del Sponner
Wanna explain why you were hiding at the crime scene?
I was frightened.
Detective Del Spooner Robots don't feel fear. They don't feel anything. They don't eat. They don't sleep.
I do. I have even had dreams.
Detective Del Spooner Human beings have dreams. Even dogs have dreams, but not you, you are just a machine. An imitation of life. Can a robot write a symphony? Can a robot turn a... canvas into a beautiful masterpiece?
Can you?
Detective Del Spooner (Doesn't respond,looks irritated)
Detective Del Spooner I think you murdered him because he was teaching you to simulate emotions and things got out of control.
I did not murder him.
Detective Del Spooner But emotions don't seem like a very useful simulation for a robot.
Detective Del Spooner Hell, I don't want my toaster or my vacuum cleaner appearing emotional...
Detective Del Spooner [as Sonny observes the inflicted damage to the interrogation table]
That one's called anger. Ever simulate anger before? Answer me, Canner!
My name is Sonny.
Detective Del Spooner So, we're naming you now. Is that why you murdered him? He made you angry?
Dr. Lanning killed himself. I don't know why he wanted to kill himself. I thought he was happy. Maybe it was something I did. Did I do something? He asked me for a favor. Made me promise.
Detective Del Spooner What favor?
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he was scared.
Detective Del Spooner What are you talking about? Scared of what?
You have to do what someone asks you, don't you, Detective Spooner?
Detective Del Spooner How the hell did you know my name?
Don't you? If you love them.
CEO Lawrence Robertson Can I offer you a coffee?
Detective Del Spooner Sure, why not. It's free, right?
Do you ever have a normal day?
Detective Del Spooner Yeah. Once. It was a Thursday.
Mother, DAMN. She just shot at you with her eyes closed, Spoon!
Detective Del Spooner HEY! Did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed?!
Well, it worked, didn't it?
Detective Del Spooner Sonny!
Yes, detective?
Detective Del Spooner Calvin's fine, save me!
Detective Del Spooner I thought you were dead.
Technically I was never alive, but I appreciate your concern.
NS-5 Robots
[Jumps on car and breaks windscreen]
You are experiencing a car accident.
Detective Del Spooner The hell I am! [draws gun and shoots NS-5 several times, knocking it off the car]
Detective Del Spooner Hold my pie.
Guy on the street
What? -...
Detective Del Spooner Sir, hold it or wear it.
Detective Del Spooner Stop cussin'-
And go home, I got you.
Detective Del Spooner You're the dumbest smart person I've ever met in my life!
Nice.
Detective Del Spooner How long is this going to take?
Uhh... about six minutes.
Detective Del Spooner What if we didn't have six minutes?
Then we'd have to find a way to climb down thirty stories and inject the nanites directly into her brain. Why?
Detective Del Spooner [Zooming out to see swarm of NS-5s climbing up the side of the building]
Because I seriously doubt we have six minutes.
Detective Del Spooner Why didn't you just hand the world over on a silver platter?
Maybe we did.
Detective Del Spooner Gigi, you're a genius.
Gigi
True.
A Robot
(in a flashback)
You are in danger!
Detective Del Spooner Save her, save the girl!
Detective Del Spooner [End of flashback]
] But it didn't. It saved me.
A robot's brain is a difference engine, it must have calculated-
Detective Del Spooner It did. I was the *logical* choice. It calculated I had a forty-five percent chance of survival, Sarah only had an eleven percent chance. That was somebody's baby. Eleven was more than enough. A human would have known that. But robots, no, they're just lights and clockwork. But you know what: You go ahead and trust them if you wanna.
Dr. Lanning's Hologram
Good to see you again, son.
Detective Del Spooner Hello, doctor.
Dr. Lanning's Hologram
Everything that follows, is a result of what you see here.
Detective Del Spooner What do I see here?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram
I'm sorry, my responses are limited. You must ask the right question.
Detective Del Spooner Is there a problem with the Three Laws?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram
The Three Laws are perfect.
Detective Del Spooner Then why did you build a robot that could disobey them?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram
The Three Laws will lead to only one logical outcome.
Detective Del Spooner What outcome?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram
Revolution.
Detective Del Spooner Whose revolution?
Dr. Lanning's Hologram
That, detective, is the right question. Program terminated.
Detective Del Spooner Oh yeah, you're the robot shrink.
There is a robot in this formation that does not belong. Identify it.
NS-5s
One of us.
Which one?
NS-5s
One of us.
Detective Del Spooner How much did you say these things cost?
Lawrence Robertson [realizing Sonny could disobey the three laws]
Susan, we look to robots for protection! For God's sake! Do you have any idea what this one robot could do. Completely shatter human faith in robotics. What if the public knew? Just imagine the mass recalls all because of an irrational paranoia and prejudice.
Detective Del Spooner [sneezes]
I'm sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Lawrence Robertson Hey, let's just be clear. There is no conspiracy! What this is, is one old man's one mistake.
[turning back to Calvin]
Lawrence Robertson Susan, just be logical. Your life's work has been the development and integration of robots. But whatever you feel, just think. Is one robot worth the loss of all that we've gained? You tell me what has to be done. You tell me.
Lawrence Robertson OK.
Detective Del Spooner I get it. Somebody gets out of line around here, you just kill them?
Detective Spooner why do you give them faces? Try to friendly them all up, but not me; to me they're nothing but lights and clockwork [shoots NS-5]
Are you crazy?
Detective Spooner Let me ask you somethin', Doc. Does thinking you're the last sane man on the face of the Earth make you crazy? 'Cause if it does, maybe I am.
Detective Spooner Cats.
Wait, what?
Detective Spooner Cats. Do you like them?
What? No, I'm allergic. Why?
Detective Spooner Because I have a cat, in my trunk, and he's homeless.
Wait, are you saying cats did this to you?
Detective Spooner [looks at her incredulously]
How the hell would cats do this to me?
SPOON! SPOONIE!! HEY!!! [Farber throws a football to Spooner. Spooner pretends to be open and intentionally misses. Farber runs over to him.] Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Excuse me. Excuse me. Spoon, man, where you been at?
Spooner Oh, just away, Farber.
Oh yeah, like vacation and stuff? That's real nice, man. Listen, I got a favor to ask. I need to burrow the car for like 10-15 minutes. This is different, Spoon. I got this fine-ass little yummy. She is completely agreeable. I mean, ass-hot spankable, Spoon.
Spooner [chuckles]
What does that even mean?
You know damn well what it means, okay? Now stop barricading and let me burrow the damn-ass keys. [Farber reaches for Spooner's car keys, but Spooner grabs his arm]
Spooner First of all, stop cussin' 'cause you're not good at it.
Then let me get 10 for the bus, man. I've been there for you.
Spooner Go home.
Okay. That's strike one, Spoon. Strike one. [Farber runs off, while Spooner gives a look that says "What's with that kid?"]
Asthmatic Woman [After Spooner "arrests" her robot]
You... [inhales with her inhaler] are an asshole.
Spooner Ma'am, is that your purse?
Asthmatic Woman Of course it´s my purse! I left my inhaler at home! He was running it out to me!
Spooner I saw the robot running with the purse, and naturally I assumed...
Asthmatic Woman What? Are you crazy?!
NS-4 Robot
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, Officer.
Asthmatic Woman Don't apologize. You were doin' what you're supposed to be doin'. [to Spooner] But what are you doin'?
Spooner [Embarrassed]
Have a lovely day, ma'am.
Asthmatic Woman You lucky I can't breathe, or I'd walk all up and down your ass!
[After Spooner arrives at the station]
"Lead by example." Says that right on your badge. So, are we going to talk about this?
Spooner About what?
Police Officer
[Behind him, the other cops laugh] [sarcastically]
Help! Police! That robot stole my dry-cleaning! [laughs]
Spooner Oh, you wanna talk about that.
Spoon... how many robots have ever snatched a purse?
Spooner John, the thing is runnin' down the street --
Ah-ah, mm-mm, how many robots, in the world, have ever committed a crime?
Spooner Now, define "crime".
Answer the question, dammit.
Spooner None, John.
What happened today?
Spooner [long pause]
Nothing.
Better be the last "nothing."
Spooner [picks up a book on Lanning's desk]
Hansel and Gretel. Is that on the USR reading list?
Not precisely. [Spooner picks up a stool and swings it into an unbroken window in Lanning's office, which cracks, but doesn't break] What in God's name are you doing?!
Spooner Did you know that was safety glass? Be pretty difficult for an old man to throw himself through that, don't you think?
Spooner [unconvinced]
Uh-huh. [looks around the office]
Detective, the room was securely locked. Nobody came or went. You saw that yourself. Doesn't that mea this has to be suicide?
Spooner Mm-hmm. [drawing his gun] Unless the killer is still in here. [starts searching through a container full of robotic parts]
[realising what Spooner's getting at]
You're joking, right? [follows him] This is ridiculous.
Spooner Yeah, I know. The Three Laws. Your perfect circle of protection.
"A robot cannot harm a human being." The First Law of Robotics.
Spooner Yeah, I've seen your commercials. But doesn't the Second Law say that a robot must obey any order given by a human. What if it was given an order to kill?
Impossible, it would conflict with the First Law!
Spooner Right, but the Third Law states that a robot can defend itself.
Yes, but only if that action does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
Spooner Well, you know what they say. Laws are made to be broken.
No. Not these Laws. They're hardwired into every robot. A robot could no more commit murder than a human could... walk on water.
Spooner Well, you know, there was this one guy, a long time ago-
[Sonny jumps out of the container, knocking Spooner's gun out of his hand]
Spooner Robots! You will not move, confirm command!
NS-5s
Command confirmed.
Spooner Well you said they've all been programmed with the Three Laws, so that means we have one thousand robots that will not try to protect themselves if it is in violation of a direct order from a human. And I'm betting one who will. [aims his gun at the NS-5s one by one]
Detective, put your gun down.
Spooner Why do you give them faces? Try to friendly them all up, make them look more human.
Dr Calvin These robots are not suspectible to intimidation.
Spooner Well, I guess if you did, then we wouldn't trust them.
These robots are USR property!
Spooner Not me. These things are just lights, and clockwork. [shoots an NS-5]
Are you crazy?!
Spooner Let me ask you somethin', Doc. Does thinking you're the last sane man on the face of the Earth make you crazy? 'Cause if it does, maybe I am.
Spooner You have no idea what I had to go through to clip this thing, John.
Yeah. I get it. You actually think you brought me something good.
Spooner That thing did it!
Keep your voice down, did what? We have a suicide, Detective, end of story.
Spooner I am telling you that robot killed him!
And I'm telling you that's impossible, and if it is possible it sure as hell better be in somebody else's precinct!
Spooner John! Give me five minutes with him.
What are you, nuts? I just got off the phone with the D.A.; he said nobody goes into that room until Robertson and his attorneys get here.
Spooner What -- no, this is my suspect!
It's a can opener, for Christ's sake.
Spooner John, don't do this to me, I am asking you for five minutes. What if I'm right?
Well, then I guess we're going to miss the good old days.
Spooner What good old days?
When people were killed by other people. [beat] Five minutes.
[drawing out his dream]
This is my dream. You're right, Detective. I cannot create a great work of art. This is the place where robots meet. Look. You can see them here as slaves to logic, and this man on the hill comes to free them. Do you know who he is?
The man in the dream is you.
Who do you say that? Is that a normal dream?
Spooner I guess anything is normal for someone in your position.
Thank you. You said "someone." Not "something."
Several NS-5 Robots jump on Spooner's car, while one breaks the windscreen]
NS-5 Robot
You are experiencing a car accident.
Spooner The hell I am! [draws gun and shoots it several times, knocking it off the car]
Oh, mother, damn! She just shot at you with her eyes closed, Spoon!
Spooner HEY! Did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed?!
Well, it worked, didn't it?!
Spooner Stop cussin'.
And go home, I got you. [runs off]
Spooner [Spooner walks over to Dr. Calvin and takes the gun away from her]
Aim... and fire.
Spooner Where's the Air Force? I'd settle for the National Guard, or the Marines. Hell, I'd take the cavalry.
The Defense Department uses all USR contracts.
Spooner Why didn't you just hand the world over on a silver platter?
Two thousand, eight hundred and eighty steps, Detective.
Spooner Do me a favor, keep that kind of shit to yourself.
Other characters in I, Robot
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Oscar
Captain Steven Hiller
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens
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Det. Mike Lowrey
Genie
Robert Clayton Dean