Most scenes together: Rod Kimble & Kevin Powell (6), Rod Kimble & Denise (6), Rod Kimble & Rico (4)
Oh, Rod. What were you going to ask me?
Oh, right. I was gonna ask you who you think would win in a fight between... a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.
Is that what you were really going to ask me?
Yes.
Um, grilled cheese. But only in a fair fight. If it was prison rules, I'd put my money on the taco.
Wow, that's pretty racist, but correct.
Souls of the Animal Kingdom! Eagle, Fox, Bottlenose Dolphin, Octopus, House Cat! Okay, let's jump this jump!
Man, I don't really know about having a girl on the team, man.
Alright Rico listen. Um, there's an ancient Italian maxim uh, that roughly translates to, uh "He who is resistant to change is destined to perish". So, why don't you try to open up that mind of yours? You know? It's like, look at Kevin, I mean, he... [Rico sprays him in the face with the hose] Real mature, man.
Yeah, don't you EVER tell me how to live my life again.
Cathy 'Voltron?'
That's me.
Cathy Oh, hi Dave.
How you doin Cathy?
Cathy Why'd you call yourself 'Voltron?'
I dunno, maybe cos it's SUPER badass
Cathy ...You're weird.
Hells yeah I am!
Dave: Hey, Rod, thanks for the ride.
[Rod sees a chunk of metal lodged in Dave's eye and they both scream] Dave: Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Rod Kimble: Dave, what happened to your eye?
Dave: This? Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble: Yeah!
Dave: Is it really noticeable?
Rod Kimble: Yeah!
Dave: Oh, man, it's totally serendipitous. Well, I got off work early, and you know my buddy Derrick? Well he was like, "I've got this acid, but I
can't do it." And I was all like, "Well, I'll do it." So I did it. And by the time I got on my banana board, man, I was... I was tripping balls pretty hard, man. So I decided to get on my bench grinder, and a piece of metal flew up and hit me right in the eye. It was pretty awesome. And that brings us to now.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, just try and relax.
Dave: Can do, man. Can do. I'm gonna be honest with you, Rod. You look like a giant eagle with fire all around you, and you've got a mountain for a face.
Rod Kimble: I'm guessing that's the drugs, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, but it's also just kind of weird seeing you drive this minivan.
Rod Kimble: Yeah, well, it's my mom's.
Dave: Balls, man! We just ran over a small bus. This really small bus, we just ran over it.
Rod Kimble: I didn't see anything.
Dave: Hey, we're here. Seriously, man, this is one of the top-ten nicest things anybody has ever done for me.
My safe word will be whiskey [enunciates the h].
Hwhat?
You're saying it weird.
Saying hwhat hweird?
All of it.
Hwhere do you get off?
I just don't get why you're saying it that way.
Hwhy am I saying hwhat hwhat hway?
Forget it.
I hwill! I hwill forget it!
I had another weird dream last night; this time it was the one where I am fighting like a thousand wizards and the only way to kill them is to punch them as hard as I can in the face, and after I finally finished the last of them all, their wizard wives came out and just wanted me to have sex with them... which is kinda weird.
So, cool beans?
Cool beans.
Cool beans.
Cool beans.
Cool beans.
Cool beans.
Cool beans.
Cool beans.
Cool beans.
Cool-Cool-
Beans-Beans.
Cool-
Beans.
Cool-Cool-
Beans-Beans.
Cool-
Beans.
Cool-Cool
Beans-Beans.
Cool-
Beans.
Cooooooooooooool-
Be-Be-Be-Be-Beans.
Cool-Cool
Beans-Beans.
Cool-
Beans.
Coo-Coo-Cool
Beans-Beans.
Cool-
Beans.
C-C-C-Cool
Beans-Beans.
Cool-
Beans.
Cool-Cool
Bea-Be-Be-Be-Be.
COOL BEANS!
So, cool beans?
Yeah, cool beans.
Tai Chi teaches that if you focus your body and mind you'll be able to perform at the peak of your abilities.
Yes, Sensei.
You don't have to call me Sensei, Rod.
Got it. Sensei, I have a question: Is there a Tai Chi move that would make a grown man crap his pants and not know why?
I'm not going to lie to you, Rod. That move does exist. But you're not ready for it yet.
As you wish, Sensei.
I thought it would be fun if we all went around and said our name and a little something about ourselves. I'll start. My name is Rod and I like to party. Alright. Dave, you're up.
Uh, hi, uh, my name is Dave, and, uh, I like to party.
Uh, no Dave. I just said that I party so maybe you could do something different from me.
My name is Dave, and I am the stuntman.
You know what, let's move on. Rico, you're up.
Uh, hello. I'm Rico and I like to party.
Yeah, uh, Rico, what'd I just say to Dave?
Who?
Dave.
I like to party, and I'm Rod.
No, you're Kevin!
Right. Kevin. I party.
No. No you don't. Okay, nobody parties but me.
Yes. And we party.
No!
Yeah, just Rod.
Yes!
And me.
No! I'm the only one who parties!
I'm pretty sure I've partied before.
No, Kevin, I know for a fact you don't party. Okay, you do NOT party!
You're right. Dave is the party guy.
Huh-huh, sweet.
Oh my god, shut up! Okay, I'm just gonna do it for you. Denise, this is the crew. Dave's the mechanic, Rico makes the ramps, and Kevin is team manager slash videographer. None of them party, right? Got it? Okay. Let's party.
I used to be legit. In fact, I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.
You don't mean that...
Yeah, I do. Stay sweet. [Walks away and gets hit by a car]
You look pretty.
What was that?
Uh, I said you look shitty. Goodnight!
Hey, Denise, have I ever shown you a picture of my dead dad?
No.
Oh, you've gotta see it. He's super dead.
That's him?
Yeah
Oh, yeah. He used to work for Evel Knievel, testing his bikes before big jumps. He would do the jumps first to make sure they were safe and let Evel come in and get all the glory. Then after a while the old man said, "To hell with that. I want the credit I deserve." So one afternoon, he set out to jump ten milk trucks. He nailed the take-off, but when he landed, something terrible happened. His front tire exploded like a cannonball, and his handle bars went straight through his head. Blood was everywhere. His teeth were ground down to a powder, and the front of his face exploded out the back of his skull. He died instantly...the next day.
Hey, Rod, what's that song about grandma getting run over by a reindeer?
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?
No...
You're gonna look like a champion Rod.
You guys, this thing is NUMBER ONE!!
Wait Rod, there's more.
Ye-ye-yeah uh, we were uh, worried that the moped might not be uh, fast enough to clear the jump so uh, [pulls back curtain to reveal motorcycle]
No way. Whoa, Dave, this thing is NUMBER ONE!!
Now I know she doesn't look like much, but trust me man, shes got some kick, a lot.
Alright.
There's one more thing Rod. I know how you like explosions and showmanship and stuff, so I rigged the whole jump with fireworks.
Cool!
And I got you this rock [presents him with a small rock wrapped in a bow] to represent ALL my hard work.
Yeah, you could pretty much just toss that after the fireworks go off, it's cool.
Thanks, thanks all of you.
"'Rod Kimble"': Kevin. Did you reinforce the takeoff ramp?
"'Kevin Powell"': No, we didn't have time.
"'Rod Kimble"': Wooh...[speaking to self] Soul of an Eagle. [Crashes]
"'Rico"': Oh Shit.
"'Kevin Powell"': Rod you okay?
"'Rod Kimble"': [throws up everywhere]
