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Granny: Listen, honey, if there's two things your granny doesn't do, it's lie, and play extreme sports.

Nicky Flippers: Let's just say that if a tree falls in the forest you'll get three stories: yours, mine and the tree's.

Chief Grizzly: [after Twitchy tries to talk to them] He seems to be speaking... words of some kind.

Detective Bill Stork: Watch it, Chief. My mama's half loon.

Flippers: What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out! How about a cage?
Bill: Bring in the cage!
Flippers: I was being sarcastic.
Bill: (disappointed) Sarcasm, strike the cage...

Wolf: Twitchy! You scared me!
Twitchy: [speaking quickly] Hey-boss-I-called-I-beeped-you-on-your-beeper-did-you-get-my-beep?
Wolf: Twitchy, you've got to calm down.
Twitchy: I-got-up-early-and-I-got-the-gear-I-was-watching-the-girl-like-you-told-me-to-the-girl-in-the-red-hood.
Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?
Twitchy: She-went-past-the-porcupines-and-the-red-bird's-tree-and-the-guy-with-the-long-beard-and-now-she's-up-the-creek-and-she-sings-everywhere-she-goes-she's-like-lalalalalalalalalala...
Wolf: Hey, Twitchy? Ever think of switching to decaf?
Twitchy: Oh-I-don't-drink-coffee!

Twitchy: [lost in a cave] Oh, we're gonna die in here!
Wolf: [trying to reassure Twitchy] Hey, now, that's what they said at the Alamo.
[After they got out of the cave and into a cart]
Wolf: [receiving a lit stick of dynamite] What kind of candles are those?
Twitchy: [pointing at writing on dynamite] Dee-na-mee-tay. Must be Italian.

Chief Grizzly: Pretty thin Wolf! You say the old lady was already tied up. How did that happen?
Wolf: I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news Chief, I don't make it.
Red: For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.
Wolf: What can I say? I was raised by wolves.

Red: Who are you ?
Wolf: I'm your grandma.
Red: Your face looks really weird, granny.
Wolf: I've been sick, I... uh...
Red: Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.
Wolf: Plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done.

Granny: Honey, don't look at your granny like that.
Red: I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G. Or... are you the Bandit?
Bill: Awkward!
[awkwardly slips out of the room]

Red: A wolf, stopping kids in the middle of a wood? That's pretty creepy.
Flippers: True. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.
Tommy: [into walkie-talkie] Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?
Bruce: [over walkie-talkie] Ah, the creepy one?
Tommy: Yeah, better let him go.

[Boingo does his evil dance]
Granny: We've got to do something!
Wolf: I know. The song was catchy, but their choreography was awful.

[Red meets Japeth]
Red: I'm looking for Granny Puckett's house?
Japeth: [singing] Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...
Red: Could you stop singing for one moment?
Japeth: [singing] No I can't, wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy...
Red: Everything?
Japeth: [speaking] That's right.
Red: You just talked! Just now!
Japeth: Oh, did I? (sings) Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo...

Boingo: [to tied and gagged Red] Hey, you're a delivery girl, right? Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain? 'Cause it absolutely, positively has to be there TONIGHT!

Woodsman: [disguised as Dolph] Uh, Mister Rabbit...
Boingo: Dolph! Where have you been? You nimwitted Eurotrash with the... what is that, a ski mask?
Woodsman: Uh, I, um, yah...
Boingo: I like that! See, that's scary. Yeah that's good...
Woodsman: Um, b-boss...
Boingo: WHAT? Say it! Spit it out! What's goin' on?
Woodsman: Um... boss, uh,
[singing]
Woodsman: Paul's bunion cream/has the soothing formula...
Wolf: [interrupts, also in disguise] Hi there! What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector.
Woodsman: Yah, yes!
Wolf: I just need to tap the pipes; see if your wiring's up to par.
Boingo: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, you're not... no, you can't touch anything in here.
Wolf: [pauses] Let's walk.

Woodsman: Arrrgh! Paul's bunion cream has the soothing formula...
Jimmy Lizard: [interrupts] Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. Hold it, hold it. Ho, ho, stop... Look, "Argh"?
Woodsman: Uh-huh...
Jimmy Lizard: What... what are ya, some kinda German pirate or somethin'?
Woodsman: I just got the script, like, five minutes ago... I'm trying...
Jimmy Lizard: Okay, sure, sure, um... you're not gettin' it...

Flippers: It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.
[walks past dog typing notes]
Flippers: Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.
Wolf: The Goody Bandit...
Flippers: That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.
Woodsman: Not my finger!
[quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it]
Flippers: Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.
[the Woodsman starts spluttering]
Flippers: Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?
Woodsman: But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?
Flippers: Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?
Granny: Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.
Woodsman: Huh?
Flippers: A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.
Chief Grizzly: And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?
Flippers: Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf
Wolf: Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.
Flippers: Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?
Chief Grizzly: Maybe he's not a wolf at all!
Wolf: You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.
Chief Grizzly: Is this all just a big joke to you?
Wolf: I just followed the girl here.
Granny: You leave my granddaughter alone!
Flippers: Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.
[camera points to empty chair]
Flippers: Where is she anyway?

Wolf: I can't believe I'm saying this but... drink up
[gives twitchy the coffee]
Wolf: We may want... to stand back.
Twitchy: [Sips coffee and his eyes bulge and he starts shaking] Yee-hoo-hoo-hoo! Wahooo! Caffeine! Yeah baby! Whoa!
Wolf: Go get 'em boy.
[Twitchy takes off and bounces all over the place]
Wolf: What... have I done?
Granny: Now the rest's up to us.
Woodsman: Can I have coffee?

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