Home Alone quotes

View Quote Johnny: [hears knock at door] Who is it?
Snakes: [Snakes comes in] It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff.
Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here!
Snakes: All right, Johnny, but what about my money?
Johnny: What money?
Snakes: Acey said you had some dough for me.
Johnny: That a fact? How much do I owe ya?
Snakes: Acey said 10%
Johnny: [smirks] Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.
Snakes: What do you mean?
Johnny: He's upstairs taking a bath, He'll call you when he gets out. Hey, I tell ya what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. (pulls out tommy gun)I'm gonna give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead!
Snakes: [wide eyed and calm] All right, Johnny, I'm sorry!, I'm going!
Johnny: 1, 2, 10! [starts unloading bullets into Snakes while laughing maniacally]
Keep the change, ya filthy animal!

View Quote Johnny: Who is it?
Pizza Man: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.
Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here!
Pizza Man: Okay, but what about the money?
Johnny: What money?
Pizza Man: Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.
Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?
Pizza Man: That'll be $11.80, sir. [Kevin drops $12 cash from the door hatch]
Johnny: Keep the change, ya filthy animal!
Pizza Man: Cheapskate.
Johnny: Hey, I'm going to give you to the count of 10, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!

View Quote Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.

View Quote Megan McCallister: You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?
Buzz McCallister: No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we have smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.

View Quote Kevin McCallister: Everybody in this family hates me!
Kate McCallister: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kevin McCallister: I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
Kate McCallister: Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin McCallister: I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. I don't want to see anybody else either.
Kate McCallister: I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
Kevin McCallister: No, I wouldn't.
Kate McCallister: Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.
Kevin McCallister: I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!

View Quote I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape. (as he slabs on some after shave) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

View Quote Kate McCallister: This is Christmas, the season of perpetual hope. And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.

View Quote Harry: What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again, didn't you? You left the water running, didn't you? What's wrong with you? Why did you that? I told you not to do it.
Marv: Harry, it's our calling card.
Harry: Calling card.
Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the Wet Bandits.

View Quote Harry: Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
Harry: We're not gonna hurt you.
Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door. [Kevin shoots Harry in the groin; high-pitched] AHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO... [Fall to his knees, cursing]
Marv: What? What? What?! What happened?!
Harry: Get the little...!
[Marv sticks his head to the dog door and smiles]
Kevin McCallister: Hello.
[Kevin shoots Marv at the head causing him to fall the dog door]
Marv: AH! AHHH!
Kevin McCallister: Yes! Yes!
Marv: The little jerk is armed!
Harry: That's it! That's it! I'm going round the front, you go to the basement!

View Quote Kevin McCallister: I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life.
Jeff McCallister: Tough.
Kevin McCallister: That's what Megan said.
Megan McCallister: What did I say?
Jeff McCallister: You told Kevin "tough".
Megan McCallister: The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?

View Quote Harry: Where did he go?
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kevin McCallister: Over here you horse-ass. Come and get me before I call the cops.
Marv: Let's get him!
Harry: No, wait! That's just what he wants us to do. To back down through his fun house.
Marv: But he's gonna call the cops!
Harry: He's not gonna call the cops from a treehouse!

View Quote Marv: There! What are we gonna do with him, Harry?
Harry: We'll do exactly what he did to us: we're gonna burn his head with a blowtorch.
Marv: And smash his face with an iron!
Harry: I like to slap him right in the face with a paint can.
Marv: And shove a nail through his foot!
Harry: First off, I'm gonna bite off his every little fingers one at a time.
[Just then, Marley knocks Harry and Marv with his shovel]

View Quote Marv: Hey, watch out!
Kevin: AAAAHHHHH!
[The truck stops]
Harry: Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son, you know.
Kevin McCallister: Sorry.
Marv: Santy don't visit funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.

View Quote Harry: [While in the van with Marv] I don't get it. I mean right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night, the place was jumping. Something ain't right. [To Marv] Go check it out.
[Long pause. Marv just nods. Harry looks at Marv in a stunned way while Marv looks over at Harry]
Marv: Now?
[Harry fumes]
Harry: No! Tomorrow, Egghead! NOW! GET!
[Marv quickly gets out of the van]
Harry: [To himself] "Now"!?

View Quote [alone in Buzz's room in the empty house] Buzz! I'm going through all your private stuff! You better come out and pound me!