The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quotes

27 total quotes (ID: 760)

Arthur Dent
Other characters
The Book/Narrator
Zaphod Beeblebrox

"Space," says the introduction to The Hitchhiker's Guide, "is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is." A-a-and so on. It also says that if you hold a lungful of air, you can survive in the total vacuum of space for about 30 seconds. But with space being really big and all, the chances of being picked up within that time are 22,079,460,347 to one against. Strangely, this is also the telephone number of an Islington flat where Arthur Dent went to a fancy dress party, and met a very nice young woman whom he totally blew it with. Though the planet Earth, the Islington flat and the telephone have all now been demolished, it is comforting to reflect that they are all, in some small way, commemorated by the fact that 29 seconds later, Arthur and Ford were, in fact, rescued.


News Reader: Beeblebrox, universally considered to be the dimmest star in several solar systems, is most famous for his controversial defeat of Humma Kavula, who claimed many thought they were voting for the "Worst-Dressed Sentient Being in the Universe" contest. Humma Kavula, of course, is best remembered for his slanderous "Don't Vote for Stupid!" campaign.

Vogons: [repeated line] Resistance is useless!

Trillian: We have normality.
Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.
Ford: What is normal?
Trillian: What is home?
Zaphod: What are cows?
Arthur: [to himself] A proper cup of tea will restore my normality.
The Book: It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a Sperm Whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. Since this isn't a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell:
The Whale: Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down, get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that, now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello, Ground! [dies]
The Book: Curiously, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, "Oh no, not again." Many people have speculated that if we knew why the bowl of petunias had thought that, we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
Arthur Dent: It's a big-biggy, Ford! A big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic particle things?!
Zaphod: This is the right one! I have a hunch!
Ford: [smiling] His hunches are good! Arthur! I say we go!
Arthur Dent: [Hysterically] Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fuelled by LEMONS?!!
Mr. Prosser: Come off it Mr. Dent, you can't lie in front of the bulldozers forever.
Arthur: I'm game. We'll see who rusts first!
Mr. Prosser: This bypass has got the be built and it is going to be built!
Arthur: Why has it got to be built?
Mr. Prosser: It's a bypass. You've got to build bypasses! Besides, you should've made your protest months ago. These plans have been on display at the planning office now for a year.
Arthur: "On display"?! I had to go down to a cellar!
Mr. Prosser: Mr. Dent, have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll right over you?
Arthur: How much?
Mr. Prosser: None at all.
Ford: Arthur... what if I told you I really wasn't from Guildford? I was from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?
Arthur: [chuckles incredulously] Is that something you're likely to say?
Trillian: Let's go somewhere.
Arthur: Yeah. Definitely. Um, where did you have in mind?
Trillian: Madagascar.
Arthur: [slowly] Is that that new club on Dean Street?
Trillian: No... it's a country off the coast of Africa.
Trillian: Can we put your ego aside for a minute?! Something important has happened.
Zaphod: If there's anything more important than my ego on this ship, I want it caught and shot right now!
Trillian: Marvin!
[Marvin enters]
Marvin: I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed.
Trillian: Well, we have something that should take your mind off things.
Marvin: It won't work. I have an exceptionally large mind.
Trillian: Yeah, we know. But uh, we need you to go down to the number two entry bay and pick up our stowaways and bring them up here.
Marvin: Just that? I won't enjoy it.
Trillian: Yeah, well, that's life.
Marvin: [Scornfully] Life. Don't talk to me about life.
[At a costume party. Loud music is playing.]
Trillian: Who are you?
Arthur: Er, Dent, Arthur Dent.
Trillian: [in reference to his costume] No, I mean who are you?
Arthur: Oh, "Livingston, I presume". Yeah, not as good as Darwin, but it's the best I could do on short notice.
Trillian: You're the first person who's gotten that right. Everyone keeps calling me Santa.
Arthur: Really?
Trillian: Yeah. And I though the Beagle was a dead giveaway!
Arthur: Well, I suppose the people who come to these parties are drunken idiots.
Trillian: [doesn't hear him clearly] What?
[Music stops]
Arthur: [Shouts] I said all these people are idiots!
[Everyone stares at Arthur]
Arthur: Oh, God!
Zaphod: [enters the room] All right, I like it. It's big, it's gold, it's fancy. Fancy pants.
Humma Kavula: Zaphod Beeblebrox, our infamous president. What brings you to our humble planet?
Zaphod: Oh, I think you know why I'm here.
Humma Kavula: No, I don't think I do.
Zaphod: Oh, I think you think you don't. But be both know you do.
Humma Kavula: Eloquent as always, Zaphod. Your ability to articulate never ceases to amaze.
[Trillian has been arrested by the Vogons and is being identified and processed]
Vogon clerk: Tricia Argastus McMillanus of Blard?
Trillian: No, Tricia Marie McMillan of Earth.
Vogon clerk: Oh, right. [searches for Earth on the computer] Um, sorry, no record of "Earth".
Trillian: Galactic sector Z.Z.9 Plural Z. Alpha?
Vogon clerk: Oh, yes. Here we are: Earth. Oh, um, "destroyed". Um, do you have a second home planet?
Zaphod: Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.
Trillian: Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy?
[fires Point-Of View gun at Zaphod]
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] Of course you're edgy. Your planet's been blown up and you've been tooling round the galaxy with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the question because you always wondered if there was more to life and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't.
Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] Hey, fantastic. Psychedelic.
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] You have no home and no family and now you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you.
Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] That's not true.
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] And you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does.
Zaphod: Oh, baby doll. Give me that thing.
[takes Point-Of-View gun off Trillian and aims it at her]
Trillian: It won't affect me. I'm already a woman.
[the Heart of Gold was about to be destroyed by two nuclear missiles, however Arthur activated the Infinite Improbability Drive just before the imminent collision]
Zaphod: Wow! Where are we?
Trillian: Uh, exactly where we were.
Zaphod: And the missiles?
Ford: Apparently they've turned into a bowl of petunias... and a very surprised-looking whale.
Eddie (ship's computer): ... At an improbability factor of 8,767,128 to 1 against!
[Ford and Arthur have been turned into sofas by the Infinite Improbability Drive]
Arthur: Ford? I think I'm a sofa.
Ford: I know how you feel.
Arthur: Marvin, any ideas?
Marvin: I have a million ideas. They all point to certain death.
Arthur: Thanks very much, Marv'.
[Marvin, Arthur and Ford enter the bridge]
Zaphod: Freeze!
Marvin: Freeze? I'm a robot, not a refrigerator.
Zaphod: I wasn't talkin' to you, giggles.
Trillian: Marvin, you saved our lives.
Marvin: I know. Wretched, isn't it?

[about Zaphod] Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fueled by LEMONS?!!

[as they are gazing at the wonder of Magrathea] Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be.

Hey Trill, are you wearin' my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearin' yours, and it ain't doin' the trick.

Humma Kavula is a person? I thought he was swearing!

I could calculate your chance of survival, but you won't like it.

I wouldn't want to go anywhere without my wonderful towel.

I'd give you advice, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever does.

I've been talking to the Ship's computer...It hates me.

If there's anything more important than my ego on this ship, I want it caught and shot right now!

It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, Man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the third most intelligent. The second most intelligent creatures were, of course, Dolphins, who, curiously enough, had long known of the impending destruction of the planet. They'd made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for tidbits. So, they eventually decided they would leave Earth by their own means. The last ever Dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backwards somersault through a hoop while whistling The Star-Spangled Banner, but in fact the message was this: "So long, and thanks for all the fish."