Albert quotes

You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?

I've waited my entire life to be this miserable.

You can't stop it... [shouts] You cannot stop it...

[showing Hitch his dance moves] Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!

Vance: [after telling Hitch that he only wants a girl so he can sleep with her] No, I was told that you help guys get in there.
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually *like* women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.
Vance: Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Well, *that* is for damn certain.

Vance: [grabs Hitch by the wrist] You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?
Vance: Oh, yeah.
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this... [he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table]
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Mmk, pumpkin?

Sara: What's your name?
Chip: They call me Chip.
Sara: Aw, you can't get 'em to stop?

Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm, I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Look, you will. Just give it time.
Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.

Sara: So, you kinda like me, huh?
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: No. I love you

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?
Sara: So life's kind of hard all around.
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "**** off" that you have stamped on your forehead.

[Albert is holding a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts]
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: What you got there?
Albert: This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Max: Spoken like a true cynic.
Sara: I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist!
Max: Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.

Max: She said people who are guarded are afraid that you can see right through them. That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy.

Sara: "I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting..."
Hitch: "Into getting out of their own way so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance."
Speed Dating Host: "Please..."
Hitch: "No, no, no. I want -- (gestures at speed dating scene) I want everybody to take a look at this right now. Because this -- this right here -- this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!"

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