Brad: It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that... . So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?

Counselor: Whether or not a teenager decides to kill themselves is the biggest decision of their life.

Father Ripper: We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book.

Geek: [while being bullied by Ram] Ah, oh, uh! I like to suck big dicks. Or, uh... Mmmm! Mmmm! I can't get enough of 'em! Are you satisfied?

Pete: [praying next to Heather Chandler's coffin] Dear Lord, please make sure this never happens to me because I don't think I could handle suicide. Fast, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please let it be Harvard. Amen.

Principal: Now I've seen a lot of bullshit... angel dust, switchblades, sexually perverse photography involving tennis rackets...

Ram: [praying at Heather Chandler's funeral] Jesus, God in heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch? It's a joke, man. Geez, people are so serious. Holy Mary pray for our sinners, so we don't get caught. Geez, another joke man.

Veronica's Mom: When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.

Heather Chandler: Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.
Veronica: Heather?
Heather Chandler: God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...

Heather Chandler: You stupid fuck.
Veronica: You goddamn bitch.
Heather Chandler: I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
Veronica: Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.

Heather Duke: [playing croquet] So what are you gonna do Heather? Take two shots or send me out?
Heather Chandler: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.
[puts her croquet ball against Heather's and sends it flying]
Heather Duke: Shit.
Heather Chandler: It's your turn, Heather.

Heather Duke: Hi, everybody. Door was open. Veronica, did you hear? We were doing Chinese at the food fair, when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
Veronica: Is she dead?
Heather Duke: No... that's the punchline. She's alive, and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably.
[Veronica slaps Heather]
...
Veronica: I said I was sorry!
Heather Duke: You were out of control! I mean Heather and Kurt were a shock but Martha Dumptruck? Get crucial! She was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers!
Veronica: Ugh, shut up!

Heather Duke: Veronica, you look like hell.
Veronica: Yeah? I just got back.

Heather McNamara: God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
Veronica: Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians... Tator Tots. It's a real party continent.

Heather McNamara: Suicide is a private thing.
Veronica: You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. fucking A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of.