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Male Nurse: [wiping Kumar's lips with a little too much admiration] Soft, chocolate lips.

Extreme Sports Punk #1: Dude, on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not so extreme and 10 being extremely extreme, I give this a 9.5!

Extreme Sports Punk #2: Wo-o-o! Extreme Cheddar!

Officer Palumbo: "Koomar"; what is that, like five O's and two U's?

Officer Palumbo: Bullets--my only weakness! How did you know?

Goldstein: This movie makes no sense. She's possessed, she's not possessed; that rack had better be stacked. Oh! Tits! Those aren't real. Yes, they are!

Cole: Extreme kayaking!

Clarissa: Damn! You sank my battle-shit!

Rosenberg: Boobies, boobies, boobies!

Female Anchor: Police in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, have just arrested a gang of hooligans who are suspected of terrorizing numerous strip malls and convenience stores. Officer Thurmond Brucks found their abandoned car, which contained a large bag of marijuana. And in other news, the Muckleburg police department are still looking for a fugitive who escaped from the police station last night with a companion believed to be his accomplice. Police have released sketches of the two fugitives which they believe to be extremely accurate (Image shows racial characterizations of an asian and an indian).

Officer Palumbo: I'm not a ****ing racist, okay?! You mother****er, so run away, and those black mother****ers won't get away with this, okay?! So suck my ****ing ****!

J.D.: Billy boy! Get your ass ready. It's almost 5:00 and this bad boy needs to get his drink on. No, no, no. Give me that.
Billy Carver: Don't.
J.D.: I'm gonna burn it once and for all.
Billy Carver: Stop it.

Harold: ...The universe tends to unfold as it should.
Kumar: What is that? Some fortune cookie?

Harold: So what are you in here for?
Jackson: For being black.
Harold: Seriously?
Jackspn: I am serious. You wanna know what happened? I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble, and a cop stops me. Evidently a black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So he starts beating me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.
Harold: Holy shit, what'd you do?
Jackson: I kept saying, "I understand I'm under arrest. Now please stop beating me."
Harold: I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.
Jackson: Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.

[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park]
Kumar: [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you?
Harold: Kumar?
Kumar: Hey, are the cops still here?
Harold: What the hell are you doing?
Kumar: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
Harold: Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?!
Kumar: I'm ****ing starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.

Kumar: [sniffs] Hey, what's that smell?
Harold: What smell? Kumar.
Kumar: [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]
Harold: Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you--?
[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana]
Harold: Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!

Officer Martone: [notices the jail door keys in the jail door, and Tarik Jackson sitting inside the cell reading a book] Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!
Jackson: What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here.
Officer Reilly: He's trying to break free! Get him!
Jacksom: Aw, shit.
[gets up and spread eagles on the cell wall, while still holding the book in one hand]
Officer Martone: Don't move. Stop resisting! We need back up now! He's got a gun!
Jackson: That's not a gun, that's a book.
Officer Reilly: Secure the book!
Officer Palumbo: Book is secure. You bring this filth [book is on human rights] in here?! What is this shit?!

Harold: I want that.
Kumar: What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?
Harold: No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!
Kumar: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Harold: We gotta go to White Castle.
Kumar: Yes! Yes! I knew you had it in you dude!

Harold: Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I don't even know where the **** I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X"--next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
Kumar: That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Harold: Huh?
Neil Patrick Harris: It's a ****ing sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poon-tang. Then we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar: No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too--fur burgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers. [sings] Lap-dance.
Kumar: [pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonna see if I can get some directions.
Neil Patrick Harris: You don't need dir--gah. Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
[they park, pause]
Neil Patrick Harris: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Kumar: Look, chill.
Harold: We'll be right back, Neil.
[they exit the car]
Harold: Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?

Harold: Did Doogie Howser just steal my ****ing car?
Kumar: Yes. I think he did.
Harold: [starts screaming] You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!
Kumar: Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy! How was I supposed to know he'd **** us over?

Harold: Dude, where's my car?
Kumar: Where's his car, dude?

Kumar: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. [looks down to count money, lowers voice] Prick.

Kumar: [walks up to a bush and starts peeing] Ahh.
[Creepy Guy walks up out of nowhere and starts peeing right next to him]
Kumar: 'Scuse me, I just--
Creepy Guy: Huh?!
Kumar: I have to ask you, why'd you--wha--wha--why are you peeing right here?
Creepy Guy: What?
Kumar: I mean... why'd you pee right next to me when you could like, choose that bush, or--?
Creepy Guy: Well, this bush looked like I should pee on it. Why are you peeing on it?
Kumar: Well, no one was here when I chose this bush.
Creepy Guy: Oh, so you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh?
Kumar: No, it's just--I just--
Creepy Guy: This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush?
Kumar: No, I just thought that--
Creepy Guy: You the king of the forest?
Kumar: I'm sorry?
Creepy Guy: What? You ****in' tree-hugger. Is this your special bush?!
Kumar: Never mind. Forget it, I really don't feel like gettin' stabbed tonight.
[they pee in silence for a bit]
Creepy Guy: [quietly] Nice pubes.
Kumar: [pauses, creeped out] Thanks.

[Kumar is licking Harold to wake him up]
Harold: What the **** are you doing?! God!
Kumar: Well, you were out cold, I figured if I started doing some gay shit you'd wake up.
Harold: Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Kumar: It ran away. Listen, I got some bad news and some worse news.
Harold: Okay, give me the worse news first.
Kumar: I was looking at some of the roadsigns, and it looks like the cheetah took us in a completely different direction.
Harold: What's the bad news?
Kumar: Your laptop's completely destroyed.
Harold: [shouts] How is that not the worse news?
Kumar: [calmly] The laptop situation really only affects you, whereas the White Castle situation affects us both equally.

Dr. Patel: I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off.
Kumar: Dad, come on.
Dr. Patel: Daddy is not coming on anything!

Kumar: I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.
Harold: C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.
Kumar: Just say no. That's all it takes.
Kumar: Here.
[hands Harold the joint]
Kumar: Take a hit of that.

Rosenberg: I think Kumar's a "fay-gele".
Goldstein: Oh, they're totally gay for each other.
Rosenberg: Hey, you wanna suck on this?
[offers Goldstein a marijuana smoking device]
Goldstein: Uh-huh. Mmm.

Extreme Sports Punk #1: Dude, that was so not extreme!
Cole: I know, Extreme Sports Punk Number One.

Hippie Student: [Kumar trying to buy pot] Here, that's sixt--80 bucks.
Kumar: 80 bucks?
Hippie Student: Yeah, 80 bucks.
Kumar: Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!
Hippie Student: Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. Okay, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.
Kumar: What kind of a hippie are you?
Hippie Student: What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.

Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!
Kumar: We're not low!

Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid: Come on, dude. Just take one hit. Don't you wanna be cool?
I'm So High Kid: [takes drag of joint, makes a womanly cough sound]
Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid: Hey, man, what are you doin'?
I'm So High Kid: I'm so high!
[laughs]
I'm So High Kid: Nothing can hurt me.
[puts pump-action rifle in mouth and pulls trigger]
Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid: No-o-o!
Announcer: Marijuana kills.
Harold and Kumar crack up laughing
Kumar: I love that shit!

Kumar: Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.
Harold: Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Kumar: Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
[two guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons]
Harold, Kumar: Holy shit!
[assailants stop beating up the two guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the two men lay on the ground moaning]
Harold: Let's get the **** outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
Kumar: Yeah, that was your fault.
Harold: **** you.
Kumar: **** you.

Burger Shack Employee: Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one, just makes me want to burn this mother****er down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this mother****er down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this mother****er down! [starts destroying stuff] Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! [calms down] So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
Kumar: You can always get your work done in the car.
Harold: Let's do it.
Kumar: All right. Awesome. Then listen, listen--no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?
Harold: Agreed.
[shakes Kumar's hand then gives him pound]
Burger Shack Employee: Wise choice. You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
[bursts out laughing]
Harold: [Smirks] Semen.
Burger Shack Employee: Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]

Harold: Are those my scissors?! Dude, I trim my noise hair with those.
Kumar: Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.

Harold: [riding a cheetah] Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?
Kumar: Both.

Goldstein: Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching "The Gift". Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold: Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg: Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl, and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein: The things I would eat out of her ass--you have no idea!
Rosenberg: Argh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
Goldstein: So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Rosenberg: Touch?.

Dr. Willoughby: Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar: No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby: But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar: Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.

Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Kumar: Dude, ****in' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Harold: I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes.
Kumar: I want the same except make mine diet cokes, Chuck.

Harold: Back off **** boy, what I said him goes double for you.
J.D.: **** boy? You just call me **** boy?
Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling 'cause you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D.: You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough! **** boy! (raises index finger in sad attempt to flip Harold off)

Kumar: I forgot my cell phone.
Harold: You wanna run back and get it?
[both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]
Kumar: No, we've gone too far.

Freakshow: What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Harold: Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Kumar: Shit! Shit!
Freakshow: I most certainly did not!
Harold: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Did not!
Kumar: Yes you did!
Freakshow: Oh, no, I didn't.
Kumar: You did, you did.
Freakshow: You sure?
Harold: You said it!
Freakshow: [laughing] My mistake! Well, since we're all here, how 'bout a four-some?

Harold: Do you know the show Doogie Howser, M.D.?
Officer Palumbo: Great show. God I love that show. Doogie.
Harold: Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.
Officer Palumbo: Hey! NPH wouldn't do that!

Kumar: How were Katie Holmes' tits?
Goldstein: You know the Holocaust?
Kumar: Yeah?
Goldstein: Picture the opposite of that!
Kumar: Nice!

Kumar: [in surgery] Hang on a second, nurse. What we should probably use is marijuana. That'll sufficiently sedate the patient for surgery.
Male Nurse: Marijuana? But why?
Kumar: We don't have time for questions. We need marijuana now, as much of it as possible! Like a big bag of it.

Officer Palumbo: What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that five o's or two u's?
Kumar: No, it's actually one "u".
Officer Palumbo: Yeah, bullshit.

Kumar: [whispering] Dude, look at that boil on his neck, it's pulsating!
Harold: [whispering] Shut up, dude. He probably heard what you just said.
Kumar: [whispering] No, he can't. Look at it now! Pus is coming out!
Harold: [looks at Freakshow's neck] Ugh!
Kumar: [whispering] Isn't that the sickest thing you've ever seen?
Harold: [whispering] Just shut up! He's right next to me. He can hear me talking to you He probably heard this whole conversation!
Kumar: [whispering] No, he didn't. He can't hear anything with all that crust in his ear.
[Long awkward pause]
Freakshow: [low voice]] I heard everything you said.
[Later, at Freakshow's house]
Freakshow: It's gonna take me awhile to fix your car...so if you want, you can go inside, get something to drink, wash up, **** my wife.

Kumar: So where you going to go now, Neil?
Neil Patrick Harris: [puts on sunglasses] Wherever God takes me!

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