"It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the Wizard of Oz. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splended Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me. Let 'em kill me with panache. reading a review of his disasterous Richard III performance

Elliot Garfield: I happen to have a lease in my pocket. Are you gonna honor it or what?
Paula McFadden: I have a daughter in my bedroom. That tops the lease in your pocket.

Elliot Garfield: That's okay. Now I'm free to take that other job.
Lucy McFadden: What other job?
Elliot Garfield: I'm looking, I'm looking!
after hearing that his play has closed

Lucy McFadden: Congratulations!
Elliot Garfield: For what?
Lucy McFadden: I didn't know what else to say.
after Elliot's play flops

Lucy McFadden: What's that?
Paula McFadden: Sounds like God.
Lucy McFadden: I smell strawberries burning.
Paula McFadden: That's incense.
Lucy McFadden: What's incense?
Paula McFadden: It is what I am feeling right now.
upon awaking at dawn to Elliot's chanting

Paula McFadden: I thought you said you were decent.
Elliot Garfield: I am decent. I also happen to be naked.

I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed.

I will bring home anyone or anything I chose including a one-eyed Episcopalian Kangaroo if that happens to be kinky inclination. after being told not to bring any female guests into the apartment

If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face.

Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass.

My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne. during a rehearsal of Richard III in which his director has made him play the title character as a flamboyant homosexual

What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?

You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!"

You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate.

You're not the only one who can yell rape, you know.