Private Joker: [whispering] Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Who said that? Who the **** said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed **** down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy ****ing godmother said it! Out-****ing-standing! I will P.T. you all until you ****ing die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!.
[Gunnery Sergeant Hartman grabs Private Cowboy by the shirt.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Was it you, you scroungy little ****, huh?!
Private Cowboy: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You little piece of shit! You look like a ****ing worm! I'll bet it was you!
Private Cowboy: Sir, no, sir!
Private Joker: Sir, I said it, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Well... no shit. What have we got here, a ****ing comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and **** my sister.
[Gunnery Sergeant Hartman punches Private Joker in the stomach. He sags to his knees.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best un**** yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
Private Joker: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Joker, why did you join my beloved Corps?
Private Joker: Sir, to kill, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: So you're a killer!
Private Joker: Sir, yes sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Let me see your war face!
Private Joker: Sir?
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a war face. Now let me see your war face!
Private Joker: Aaaaaaaagh!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! You didn't convince me! Let me see your real war face!
Private Joker: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You don't scare me! Work on it!
Private Joker: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: What's your excuse?
Private Cowboy: Sir, excuse for what, sir?
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I'm asking the ****ing questions here, Private. Do you understand?!
Private Cowboy: Sir, yes, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge for a while?
Private Cowboy: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you shook up? Are you nervous?
Private Cowboy: Sir, I am, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Do I make you nervous?
Private Cowboy: Sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Sir, what? Were you about to call me an asshole?!
Private Cowboy: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How tall are you, Private?
Private Cowboy: Sir, five foot nine, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked shit that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?
Private Cowboy: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated! Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?
Private Cowboy: Sir, Texas, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Holy dogshit! Texas! Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down! Do you suck dicks?
Private Cowboy: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you a peter-puffer?
Private Cowboy: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would **** a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around! I'll be watching you!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Did your parents have any children that lived?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What's your name, fatbody?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Lawrence? Lawrence, what, of Arabia?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That name sounds like royalty! Are you royalty?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Do you suck dicks?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I don't like the name Lawrence! Only fagots and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on you're Gomer Pyle!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
[Pyle smiles strangely.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Well, any ****ing time, sweetheart!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I'm trying, sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three ****ing seconds--to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-**** you! One! Two! Three!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I can't help it, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!
[Pvt. Pyle drops to his knees. Sgt. Hartman holds out his hand.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Now choke yourself!
[Pvt. Pyle puts his own hands around his neck.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Goddamn it, with my hand, numb nuts!!
[Pvt. Pyle reaches towards Sgt. Hartman's hand. Hartman jerks it away.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Don't pull my ****ing hand over there! I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself!
[Pvt. Pyle leans forward onto Sgt. Hartman's hand. Hartman chokes Pyle.]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you through grinning?
Private Gomer Pyle: [barely able to speak] Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! I can't hear you!
Private Gomer Pyle: [gasping] Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! I still can't hear you! Sound off like you've got a pair!
Private Gomer Pyle: [gagging] Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That's enough! Get on your feet! Private Pyle, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff links... or I will definitely **** you up!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
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