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Earl McGraw: Well, it's been one long goddamn hot miserable shit-ass ****in' day every inch of the way.

Earl McGraw: Jesus H. Christ, Pete. When you gonna learn that microwave food'll kill you faster than a bullet? I mean, them damn burritos ain't good for nothing but a hippie, when he's high on weed.

Sex Machine: Now let's kill that ****ing band.

Seth: So, what's the deal with you two, you a couple of fags?
Jacob: He's my son.
Seth: Yeah, how'd that happen? You don't look Japanese.
Jacob: Neither does he. He looks Chinese.
Seth: Oh – Well, pardon me all to hell.

Kate: What's, um, goin' on?
Richie: We're having a bikini contest, and you just won.

Pete Bottoms: [about a Texas Ranger] Look, he comes in here everyday. We bullshit, and he's used my bathroom about a thousand times. If I said no this time he'd know somethin' was up.
Seth: Okay, I want him out of here, in his car, and down the road or you can change the name of this place to Benny's World of Blood.

Richie: The Ranger's taking a piss. Why don't I just go there, blow his head off and get outta here.
Pete Bottoms: Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a ****in' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting.

[As Benny's World of Liquor explodes in the background]
Seth: What did I say? I said go in, get the map, and get out again: low profile. Do you know what the words "low profile" mean?
Richie: "How's your hand, Rich?" It hurts like a ****ing son of a bitch, thanks for asking, Seth!
Seth: Let me tell you what low profile is not! Low profile is not taking girls hostage. It is not blowing up a gas station. It is not shooting a cop in the ****ing head!
Richie: Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Kate: Where are you taking us?
Richie: Mexico.
Kate: What's in Mexico?
Richie: Mexicans.

[Richie is day-dreaming]
Kate: Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me... please?
Richie: Uhh... sure.

Seth: [talking to Jacob about his wife's death in a car crash] Died instantly?
Jacob: Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on.
Seth: Yeah, those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they?

Richie: Where are my glasses?
Seth: They broke when you fell.
Richie: Oh, ****, Seth, that's my only pair!
Seth: Don't worry about it, we'll get you some glasses.
Richie: Whatdya mean, don't worry about it. Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't ****in' see.
Seth: When we get to El Rey, I'll take care of it.
Richie: Yeah, like a Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my ****in' prescription.

Seth: Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a ****in' 4-H club.
Richie: I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some ****ed up places in my time, but that place is ****ed up.

Seth: Now, is my shit together, or is my shit together?
Richie: Your shit is forever together!

Seth: [in the Titty Twister] You serve food here, Jose?
Razor Charlie: Best in Mexico.
Seth: I kind of doubt that.

Jacob: Are you so much a ****ing loser, you can't tell when you've won?
Seth: What did you call me?
Jacob: Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again?
Seth: Umm-hmm.
Jacob: Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? The entire state of Texas, along with the F.B.I., is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. You've won, Seth, enjoy it.
Seth: Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist.

Seth: Do you have a cross?
Jacob: In the Winnebago.
Seth: In other words, no.
Scott: What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross.
Sex Machine: He's right. Peter Cushing does that all the time.
Seth: Okay, I'll buy that.

Jacob: Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book.
Sex Machine: You mean like a Time-Life book?

Seth: I don't give a damn about living any more. All I care about is taking as many as those demons back to hell as I can.
Jacob: Amen.

Sex Machine: He's not your brother anymore.
Seth: Well, that is a matter of opinion and I do not give a **** about yours.

Santanico Pandemonium: I'm not gonna drain you completely. You're gonna turn for me. You'll be my slave. You'll live for me. You'll eat bugs because I order it. Why? Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood. You'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spud". Welcome to Slavery.
Seth: No, thanks. I've already had a wife. [shoots her]

Kate: Are you okay?
Seth: Peachy, Kate. The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.

Kate: Seth, should I save the last two bullets for us?
Seth: No, use 'em on the next two of these ****s that try to bite you!

Seth: [about the Titty Twister] Why, out of all the God-forsaken shitholes in Mexico, do we have to meet here?
Carlos: One place's just as good as another.
Seth: You've never been here before?
Carlos: No. I drove by it a couple of times. It's a rowdy place, it's out in the middle of nowhere, there'd be no cops. It's open from dusk till dawn. And didn't you say you wanted to meet in the morning? Here we are.
Seth: Well since you just picked this place out of a hat, my brother Richie is dead, that girl's whole, entire ****ing family is dead!
Carlos: Well Seth, how can I make it up to you?
Seth: No, Carlos! Can't do it! I tell you, you cannot make it up to me. Can't do it! [pause] 15%, instead of 30% for my stay in El Ray, that's a good start. My brother's gone, you understand that? He is gone and he is not coming back, and that is your fault.

Carlos: What were they, psychos?
Seth: Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires! Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a **** how crazy they are!

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